There should I suppose be some sort of conversation between us to make up for all my silence. Sound reasoning in fact should be laid out on the table of examination in explanation of my whereabouts for the past few months. Because I, the woman who once had more than enough time to blog all the things I wanted to talk about, has now become the woman who wishes she had more time to say all the things she'd really like to say. And today, with as much of a lark as it has started out to be, what with waking up to three puppies intent on playing in my bed, have decided that there really must be enough time to steal a few precious moments for the sharing of words.
As some of you may already know, or at least be marginally aware of, I decided well over six months ago to take back what had then been my life going in a downhill direction. For years I had willed myself to become complacent regarding my own personal health and well being. I had in fact given up, tossed in the towel, and made a passable peace with myself that as good as life could get, I just didn't have enough fight in me to make a true and honest effort. I made deals with myself that as long as my daughter could live the life I wanted to live, what happened to me really didn't matter.
And then I realized last January just how wrong I was...
"Love is watching someone die." - Death Cab For Cutie
Without detailing the complexity of my relationship with my stepmother, there is no doubt that the days leading up to her death and the afternoon she died had a profound affect on me. The reality of loss was overwhelming... The reality of life however was not.
Before Becky died, I made her a promise. A promise to care as best as I could for our family. To be there when I was needed and to take a back seat when I was not. Fulfilling this promise has been a gift of grace. I am closer to my Dad now than I have ever really been in my entire life, and my relationship with both of my younger sisters has bloomed into a garden all its own. And I am only now realizing that the promise I made to Becky was in fact a promise she made to me...
My eyes are watering as I sit here curled up in my chair typing away, though a small smile plays on my face. I think of all I've accomplished this year. The dedication and strength of spirit it has taken to get so far in such a short time with the encouragement of my entire family and their actual participation in the changes we have been making.
For Dad, Jodi and I, our commitment has been made to becoming healthy. Trekking to the gym everyday (though I've got to admit, we've been a bit lax this week) we have been pushing ourselves to the very limits of our capabilities, inspiring each other to work out harder, to do more rather than less and to encourage rather than discourage.
And each one of us has made significant progress from where we started... For me personally I am over eighty pounds lighter than where I began, and still challenging myself to lose more. Where once I couldn't walk a mile without thinking I would die from the attempt, I can now run a mile and half without stopping. And though I still think I am quite crazy for even thinking I'll be ready to do this by summer, Jodi and I have begun training to run a 5K road race in July.
The honest to God truth is that there is nothing impossible to achieve when you believe you can do it. You don't need a genie, a wishing star or a magic bullet to make changes in your life. You just need faith to begin, dedication to see it through, and hope to carry you forward into the blessing and opportunity of each new day.
I thank God for the family he has given me, for the people who have touched my life, and for the second chance that I have been given to learn the true lesson of life.
Live! Without fear. Without regrets! With everything you have! With everything you'd like to be! With all the goodness you have inside you to share! With absolute joy even in the darkest of days for even the darkness has its own blessings to bestow.
Live! Because you're here. Because you can...
A Very Merry Christmas
Before I can say anything else - or come up with a valid excuse for not giving anyone anything to read for well over a month and a half, let me be first (or quite possibly last) to wish you, your families and the entire known world a very Merry Christmas.
And though my Christmas is somewhat put on hold until my daughter gets home from her father's this afternoon, the Christmas spirit is all around me, from Santa Claus sitting in his plastic sled on my father's table, presents adorned in brightly colored paper held together by invisible tape beneath our tree to the four dogs at my feet begging for attention.
Grander yet is the addition of the fourth dog to our family this year...
Meet Sophia, or as she will most likely be called Sophie, Lucy's new sister... Who is actually Isabella's half-sister who is Arabella's sister who is indeed Lucianna's true sister from the same litter. In other words, we've got ourselves a bunch of related, non-related dogs.
And though I'm quite sure I didn't need another dog, especially a puppy to train and teethe, I've got to admit, it was love at first sight. But honestly, how could you not love a face like that?
For now however, I am back to Christmas and my bagel which hot from the toaster requires my attention. So in the spirit of the season, enjoy...
