Ooops... It's 2026 and I have been a very BAD blogger...

IT ONLY TOOK ME YEARS TO FINALLY BLOG AGAIN

 I wrote this earlier today... I've been thinking about Ashton a lot.  And I have attempted many times to put my feelings into words... I think I finally managed to do that today.  I also used an AI program to make it into a song...  Maybe there is some good to be found in AI.  Or at least maybe just enough good for today...  If you'd like to hear it, let me know and I can send a link and/or try to figure out how to inbed it.  Don't hold your breath on the last option.  I stopped being "good" with computers years ago.

Marking Time - Ashton's Song

I mark the time.

Hands stopping hands and the clock stops moving.

And your heart stops beating, and I’m lost in the silence of the screaming that can only be heard in my mind.

I mark the time.

Waiting for you to leave turns into knowing that you’re gone.

Out of pain but no longer in my arms.

I mark the time.

Wondering how long it takes to for this heartbreak to stop tearing its way right through me.

I mark the time.  Seconds turn to minutes until I begin to count the years..

You were my joy, sunshine smiles on a cloudy day, your

Laugh so big it chased all of my blues away.

Your hand in mine, so small.

So brave through it all.

We fought for time, time wasn’t on our side.

Love is everything you were.

Some souls are just too pure to exist in this world.

Wherever your spirits flown, I hope you’ll always know,

I loved you like you were my very own.

You were my joy, sunshine smiles on a cloudy day, your

Laugh so big it chased all my blues away.

Your hand in mine, so small.

So brave through it all.

We fought for time, time wasn’t on our side.

Love is everything you were.

Some souls are just too pure to exist in this world.

Wherever your spirits flown, I hope you’ll always know,

I loved you like you were my very own.

I mark the time.

Hands stopping hands and the clock stops moving.

World on Fire

The world is burning.
You cannot ignore us now.

We are a forest fire raging,
our anger and our fear like lava flows...

You say BE PATIENT -  This is not the way!

But we have waited - WAITED FOR YOU - to stand by our sides and say no more.

Because in this world it's YOUR VOICE that carries.
YOUR WATER that holds weight.
You who could extinguish fires instead leave them to smolder.

And OUR BROTHERS die!
Our SISTERS die!
OUR CHILDREN DIE!

And YOU just watch the smoke never thinking fire.

The world is burning.
We are burning,
begging,
pleading to be seen.

Heard.

Treated as you would treat your own.

We are people JUST LIKE YOU
But - YOU -
YOU see us as something else and make us something
WE ARE NOT.

You have no idea about INJUSTICE until you live it every day.

EVERY
DAY

Everyday I ask myself, "Is this the day I never make it home?"

SLA 05/31/2020

Another Not So Happy Ending

Trying to distract myself into not thinking about another man who has (surprise, surprise) let me down...  And truth be told, it's quite an easy thing to feel disappointed even when you know that this particular guy falling through the cracks is completely for the best.  A tall drink of water he might be but it's a matter of fact that he drinks far more than just water and far too often and too much to be someone it would be a good idea of setting yourself up with for the long haul.  Still it made your heart go all pitter patter while it lasted and it's hard to go from something to nothing overnight.

Wrong Choices Don't Make Things Right

You didn't have to prove yourself to me.  It turns out that I needed to prove me to me.  And truth is, I'm failing hard.  I'm doing everything all wrong rather than right, searching for something that I'm not going to find by reaching for the things I should be leaving far behind.

Dating Do's, Don'ts and Rather Not's

So I've been on a dating whirlwind and so far I'm coming up short each time.  From getting ghosted to having to be the one who says thanks but no thanks, I'm quite convinced that I really don't want to do much more of this for too much longer.

Last night I went out to Syracuse with a very nice man.  The conversation was good, we had fun giving an escape room a try and all around he's great...  But there wasn't a single butterfly and absolutely no thought that he and I could work as relationship material.  I haven't broken the news to him yet... I was kind of hoping he would text me today and say thanks but no thanks but it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to be the bearer of bad news and honestly I hate having to be the one to do it.  But everyone deserves honesty and not to be left hanging so that's my assignment for tomorrow.

I keep saying I'm going to take a break from this but so far I haven't.  I have however learned that I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable.  And vulnerability is something I am not good at in the least.  When you live as long as I have relying on no-one other than yourself without the option of breaking down and losing it, you learn to lock down the emotions and push through.  You learn that you're the only one you can count on and you learn not to need anyone.

I'm always joking that I'm five foot intimidating but my girlfriends tell me I don't realize just how true that statement really is.  To know me is to know that I have one of the biggest hearts out there but I protect that heart with an iron wall and it's rare that I ever let anyone close enough to break it or me.  They say I have to learn how to be vulnerable in order to attract the right man... And yet, I honestly don't know if I know how to do that or even if I can do that.  I don't know if I'm ready to have my heart broken again...

When It Hurts

"Ouch," said my heart.

"Dumb," said my head.

"Sleep," said my body. 

And all I could do was wipe away my tears and muster up the courage to think about trying again..

Black Ice

Still feeling a lot shaky after a close encounter with a bridge, two guard rails and a patch of black ice that asked me to dance before I had a chance to say no.  I have no idea how I remained calm when I was convinced I was going to crash and crash badly in a I don't know if I'm going to walk away from this kind of way.  Somehow however as my car pinged from one lane to the other like a bad rendition of pong I held the wheel steady and steered into and finally out of the slides.  Thankfully there were no cars on either side of me and the cars behind me were far enough back that the only true worry I had was just getting the car back under control.  

To say someone upstairs was looking out for me tonight is not an exaggeration.  Tonight could have been something far beyond bad considering how fast I was going (55 mph) and how icy the road evidently was.  I'm convinced that my hands were not alone on the wheel... I'm convinced that the calm I felt was the quiet confidence of someone else.  I'm convinced that I'm here because someone didn't believe it was my time to go...