Early yet in the season but in a month from now this is going to look fantastic!
Garden 2009 Pictures
Early yet in the season but in a month from now this is going to look fantastic!
Life On the Run
I don't miss the days of being idle, but I do miss not having the time to simply take my time...
Today was over almost as soon as my feet hit the floor this morning. I was in the shower, dressed to go, putting the pups in their harnesses and out the door to take them for their walk before most people were even awake. And when I returned from my two mile trek around the block it was have something quick for breakfast, answer my phone to say yes I was ready to trade in my street clothes for gym clothes and off again to spend an hour at the gym.
From the gym to home to get KC to go to Panera's to have our Sunday ritual brunch, a cup of coffee and read the paper. To the store to pick up KC's finally fixed computer, to the mall to buy a few things the paper said was on sale. Home to throw laundry in the wash, laundry in the dryer and fold laundry to be put away. Back out the door to hit the garden center to spend another few hours making my garden look all nicey nice and then upstairs to make dinner, clean up from making yet another mess to now... Ready to call it a night and head off to bed.
It's no wonder I'm tired...
Today was over almost as soon as my feet hit the floor this morning. I was in the shower, dressed to go, putting the pups in their harnesses and out the door to take them for their walk before most people were even awake. And when I returned from my two mile trek around the block it was have something quick for breakfast, answer my phone to say yes I was ready to trade in my street clothes for gym clothes and off again to spend an hour at the gym.
From the gym to home to get KC to go to Panera's to have our Sunday ritual brunch, a cup of coffee and read the paper. To the store to pick up KC's finally fixed computer, to the mall to buy a few things the paper said was on sale. Home to throw laundry in the wash, laundry in the dryer and fold laundry to be put away. Back out the door to hit the garden center to spend another few hours making my garden look all nicey nice and then upstairs to make dinner, clean up from making yet another mess to now... Ready to call it a night and head off to bed.
It's no wonder I'm tired...
Up For Discussion
A night out with friends is just what a girl needs when everything around her seems to be crisscrossed with lines of confusion. And last night was the perfect way to end a long and endless week. Dinner with friends, glasses of wine all the way around, with stories to tell and inadvertently share with the man sitting at the table beside us.
I'm quite convinced that opportunity having presented itself he would have slid his chair over to hang onto every word in detail rather than the few he managed to eavesdrop on. Then again mention the word blow job in polite society and there's hardly a man in the world capable of resisting not wanting to know what it is you're going to say when your conversation is clearly so much better than his own.
I'm quite convinced that opportunity having presented itself he would have slid his chair over to hang onto every word in detail rather than the few he managed to eavesdrop on. Then again mention the word blow job in polite society and there's hardly a man in the world capable of resisting not wanting to know what it is you're going to say when your conversation is clearly so much better than his own.
Once
What did I do wrong?
The answer to that question could provide the answer to every question I've ever had. Every doubt, every insecurity, every give a mile to take an inch moment of my life could be wrapped up in in a matter of seconds with his explanation of why I wasn't good enough and why I haven't been worth the effort.
Families don't stop when you walk out the door regardless of who did the leaving or who was left behind. We were all collateral damage, broken with a need for mending. And I was just a kid, so crazy hurt by the whole affair that it was easier to push away than to hold on tight. I have the stupidity of my own youth to use as an excuse. I wonder though, what his excuse is? Or if he even has one. And does he miss me as much as I sometimes miss him? Or has he simply chosen to forget that once I was his daughter too?
The answer to that question could provide the answer to every question I've ever had. Every doubt, every insecurity, every give a mile to take an inch moment of my life could be wrapped up in in a matter of seconds with his explanation of why I wasn't good enough and why I haven't been worth the effort.
Families don't stop when you walk out the door regardless of who did the leaving or who was left behind. We were all collateral damage, broken with a need for mending. And I was just a kid, so crazy hurt by the whole affair that it was easier to push away than to hold on tight. I have the stupidity of my own youth to use as an excuse. I wonder though, what his excuse is? Or if he even has one. And does he miss me as much as I sometimes miss him? Or has he simply chosen to forget that once I was his daughter too?
The Frustration of House Hunting
I'm beginning to think that I may never find the house of my dreams and that it just may be in my dreams that I will ever be able to purchase a house in the area where I want to live. Just my luck, I move to a place where the price of homes, regardless of their condition is higher than anywhere else around just because the zip code happens to be coveted by those who already live there.
Still I'm looking. Every day I get on my computer and see if anything new has been added to the list for sale. And every day I hope against hope that there just may be something on that list that falls within a price range that I can manage to take a look at. Last week I was so close... I found a house I could truly picture myself and KC living in, it was in the right price range and I wasted no time in putting an official offer in. Unfortunately someone else must have had the same idea because one day on the market in my town equated into two official bids, one of which was mine and of course, mine was the one that was not accepted. Or as I said last week was the official offer of levity before the seller could say yes to the real one.
So another house come and gone has left me starting all over again feeling rather hopeless that I'm ever going to find anything that I can afford. At least not when I'm counting on my one and only income to pay the way. It honestly puts me at a disadvantage against anyone with two incomes looking for property. They can get closer to what a seller is asking for, and I've still got to use my common sense when I throw out the number that is my absolute best.
I can only do what I can do though. And though many a person has told me that I just simply need to look somewhere else, the truth of the matter is this... I need to stay where I need to stay for my daughter's education. There's not another school around like the one she's currently in that can offer her the ability to jump start her future before she's even given it a second thought. It offers the very best in teachers. It offers the very best in programs, through and through. It lacks for nothing and they are a true example of no child being left behind. They demand excellence from their students and they get it, and the kids don't even know just how hard they're being pushed.
No... I can't take KC out of this school system. I won't do it. So I'll figure it out... I always do.
Still I'm looking. Every day I get on my computer and see if anything new has been added to the list for sale. And every day I hope against hope that there just may be something on that list that falls within a price range that I can manage to take a look at. Last week I was so close... I found a house I could truly picture myself and KC living in, it was in the right price range and I wasted no time in putting an official offer in. Unfortunately someone else must have had the same idea because one day on the market in my town equated into two official bids, one of which was mine and of course, mine was the one that was not accepted. Or as I said last week was the official offer of levity before the seller could say yes to the real one.
So another house come and gone has left me starting all over again feeling rather hopeless that I'm ever going to find anything that I can afford. At least not when I'm counting on my one and only income to pay the way. It honestly puts me at a disadvantage against anyone with two incomes looking for property. They can get closer to what a seller is asking for, and I've still got to use my common sense when I throw out the number that is my absolute best.
I can only do what I can do though. And though many a person has told me that I just simply need to look somewhere else, the truth of the matter is this... I need to stay where I need to stay for my daughter's education. There's not another school around like the one she's currently in that can offer her the ability to jump start her future before she's even given it a second thought. It offers the very best in teachers. It offers the very best in programs, through and through. It lacks for nothing and they are a true example of no child being left behind. They demand excellence from their students and they get it, and the kids don't even know just how hard they're being pushed.
No... I can't take KC out of this school system. I won't do it. So I'll figure it out... I always do.
Coming to Terms
I wait for better things to happen. Take small pleasures where I can. Cold spaghetti in the morning for breakfast, gardening in the darkness of the night. I ease my mind in quiet ways, taking in my disappointment measure by measure, holding onto it long enough to let it go.
I let go of dreams in singular silence, a sweet exhale of breath that sends dandelion puffs soaring on the wind, scattering seeds, scattering weeds of what remains to make flowers so unwanted by some, and only cherished by few. It is what we make of it I think. The way we feel about something or someone that can take us to the greatest of highs or sink us to the very bottom of our lows.
We choose how we will spend our days and survive our nights. In a low lit room to lose yourself in the thoughts of someone else, in a low lit room to take comfort in the feel of foreign arms. But what comfort can be given if there really is no comfort to receive? Nameless and faceless, a body to slide beneath them to dull their pain. You pretend to feel warmth rather than what you feel. Cold and clinical, waiting for it to just be over, for him to just go home. To stop showing up at your door with a long list of takes and a non-existent list of gives. You grow weary...
"I am not nothing," you say into the silence. He buckles up his pants and pretends to be sorry. You watch him sit there with nothing to say on your couch, waiting for him to say something other than the same old worn out excuse. But he doesn't hear you and he cannot see you, and you think again how invisible you are when you're not being what he wants.
Shedding your skin like ice melting on a hot summer day, you shake him off showing him the door, closing it behind him, thankful only that he is gone and you are coming back into being yourself once more...
I let go of dreams in singular silence, a sweet exhale of breath that sends dandelion puffs soaring on the wind, scattering seeds, scattering weeds of what remains to make flowers so unwanted by some, and only cherished by few. It is what we make of it I think. The way we feel about something or someone that can take us to the greatest of highs or sink us to the very bottom of our lows.
We choose how we will spend our days and survive our nights. In a low lit room to lose yourself in the thoughts of someone else, in a low lit room to take comfort in the feel of foreign arms. But what comfort can be given if there really is no comfort to receive? Nameless and faceless, a body to slide beneath them to dull their pain. You pretend to feel warmth rather than what you feel. Cold and clinical, waiting for it to just be over, for him to just go home. To stop showing up at your door with a long list of takes and a non-existent list of gives. You grow weary...
"I am not nothing," you say into the silence. He buckles up his pants and pretends to be sorry. You watch him sit there with nothing to say on your couch, waiting for him to say something other than the same old worn out excuse. But he doesn't hear you and he cannot see you, and you think again how invisible you are when you're not being what he wants.
Shedding your skin like ice melting on a hot summer day, you shake him off showing him the door, closing it behind him, thankful only that he is gone and you are coming back into being yourself once more...
My First 5K
When the distance behind you is far greater then the distance in front of you. When your feet feel like lead hitting the pavement. When every second challenges your will to keep moving rather than come to a complete stop. When you're there, in that moment, a number pinned to the front of your shirt, your lungs gasping mightily for air, running with everything that once told you that you can't, that you couldn't, that's the moment when you prove them all wrong. Because you can and you are and you realize that you're not crossing a finish line at all, you're trailblazing new beginnings...
A Matter of Convenience
Cold.
I want to remember this word. Remind myself of it sterility. It's lack of warmth. It's indifference.
I paint myself into a corner.
Knowing better and not taking my own advice.
Drawing my line, crossing my line, not knowing when to maintain the lines I've made.
Enough.
It's time to stop.
I want to remember this word. Remind myself of it sterility. It's lack of warmth. It's indifference.
I paint myself into a corner.
Knowing better and not taking my own advice.
Drawing my line, crossing my line, not knowing when to maintain the lines I've made.
Enough.
It's time to stop.
