I cannot in good conscience spend one more moment in my daughter's pigsty of a room. I am disgusted, appalled, horrified and one step away from having a major meltdown of oh my God I can't believe the things I'm finding on her floor, beneath her bed, in her dresser, and anywhere else it seems I've managed to look. Granted I was a messy kid, and my parents had to - on more than one occasion clean my room out with a garbage bag and a shovel, but that was them and this is me and I'm not having it.
So I am officially taking a break, counting to ten, and letting KC take full responsibility for sorting out the rest of her room by sundown.
In Memory of Bernice
A faithful friend and companion.
May she walk the shallows and the shore forever more...
May she walk the shallows and the shore forever more...
In the Meantime...
Awake again when I should be tucked away in bed, head on the pillow asleep. Resisting as I always am - one thing or another - the momentary urge to rush to the kitchen and make coffee to keep me company. Then again I have cats and I suppose at the moment they are company enough, even though I am quite sure now that the Internet cable outage seems to be due to some cat, her tiny little teeth and her penchant for chewing on cords. The offending feline of course has been put in mandatory time out, unlike a child however it's hard to keep her there and all it takes is one of those sad looks from her round cat eyes and I'm forgiving her just like that...
And now that I've proven yet again that I do need to get out more... I'm going to put you on pause long enough to run to the kitchen and find some sort of beverage (that does not contain even the slightest little bit of caffeine) to partake of.
Mmmmm orange juice and Advil. A thrilling combination to be sure.
But seriously, I do need to finish this off and see myself off to bed rather than keep myself awake any longer in my need to blog and blather on about goodness only knows...
And goodness really does know.
Who knew?
And now that I've proven yet again that I do need to get out more... I'm going to put you on pause long enough to run to the kitchen and find some sort of beverage (that does not contain even the slightest little bit of caffeine) to partake of.
Mmmmm orange juice and Advil. A thrilling combination to be sure.
But seriously, I do need to finish this off and see myself off to bed rather than keep myself awake any longer in my need to blog and blather on about goodness only knows...
And goodness really does know.
Who knew?
The Promise of New Beginnings
A laugh. A smile. A conversation begun. And a growing interest to know more...
And it's funny. When your heart hurts you think, no I'll never do that again knowing all the while you hope you will. And you regret wasting so much thought and time on a man who didn't spend any time at all thinking of you. And you can say this without your heart hurting all that much anymore, and you can see the why of why it wasn't meant to be. And you can feel okay about wishing him the very best while knowing that the best for you is still waiting for the right one to come along.
And it's time to really mean it now. To let the thought of him go. Because that's all he is now anyway. A thought as fleeting as a daydream, as fast as a cloud sailing across the sky. An ending to an old conversation that must take place so that a new one may begin.
And it's funny. When your heart hurts you think, no I'll never do that again knowing all the while you hope you will. And you regret wasting so much thought and time on a man who didn't spend any time at all thinking of you. And you can say this without your heart hurting all that much anymore, and you can see the why of why it wasn't meant to be. And you can feel okay about wishing him the very best while knowing that the best for you is still waiting for the right one to come along.
And it's time to really mean it now. To let the thought of him go. Because that's all he is now anyway. A thought as fleeting as a daydream, as fast as a cloud sailing across the sky. An ending to an old conversation that must take place so that a new one may begin.
Enough of Wednesday Already
So I'm exhausted. Tired enough to fall asleep standing up with both eyes wide open seeing everything and nothing at all. And I guess that staying up late to improve my skill level on guitar hero isn't exactly gelling with rising at dawn to ready myself for work.
I had more to say but my concentration just got busted from an incoming call...
More tomorrow if and when the bad news stops pouring in.
I had more to say but my concentration just got busted from an incoming call...
More tomorrow if and when the bad news stops pouring in.
Venting
I decided to be mad today. Decided on my way home that I was really angry enough to spit nails. And it's a good thing I have something that occasionally resembles self control because I was tempted to pick up my phone and hand out some severe tongue lashings to more than a few of the people on my list of done me wrong.
And so I'm sitting on my hands. Sitting on them to prevent phone calls, emails, smoke signals... You name it. Because I respect myself more than my lonely little heart would like me to and second best or second rate just doesn't cut it with me. At least, not anymore...
Because I'm not desperate enough to want any man who isn't working his ass off to make sure he's got me. Because I'm worth more than a cheap one night you know what. Because anyone who wants to be in my life has got to show up, on time and in person.
But most of all because I deserve someone who loves me. Just the way I am.
And so I'm sitting on my hands. Sitting on them to prevent phone calls, emails, smoke signals... You name it. Because I respect myself more than my lonely little heart would like me to and second best or second rate just doesn't cut it with me. At least, not anymore...
Because I'm not desperate enough to want any man who isn't working his ass off to make sure he's got me. Because I'm worth more than a cheap one night you know what. Because anyone who wants to be in my life has got to show up, on time and in person.
But most of all because I deserve someone who loves me. Just the way I am.
Cause We've Got To Have Faith
I heard something tonight that made me sit up and take notice, enough to take the pen from behind my ear and write it down less I should forget. Our discussion tonight in small group centered on the beginnings of spirituality.
"I've always believed that God answers our prayers in one of three ways," said Marcia, "Yes, no or wait. And sometimes the waiting isn't really for you but for someone else who needs more time." And just like that, I got it in a way I hadn't quite grasped it before. Understanding it as the possibility that whatever the reason for the wait - it's not necessarily on hold because of me.
In other words... I'm okay. And it's alright to retrieve my self-esteem from the trash.
That my friends is a spiritual moment. The moment when your breath catches and your eyes boast a new awareness; a spark of knowledge that warms you from inside out. The moment when you know the past and the path you strayed from can coexist with the bright new future just ahead.
The lesson I walked away with tonight is simple. Ease up...
Don't be your own worst judge. Don't think because you're not where you want to be right now you've no hope of ever getting there at all.
Don't put life on hold to make it perfect. Don't believe you've got to be like everyone else to achieve your goals and dreams.
Believe in other people. Believe in people who believe in you.
Be thankful for what you have. Be grateful for unexpected blessings.
Be honest and true. And seek that same clarity in others.
Find joy and that joy will find you...
"I've always believed that God answers our prayers in one of three ways," said Marcia, "Yes, no or wait. And sometimes the waiting isn't really for you but for someone else who needs more time." And just like that, I got it in a way I hadn't quite grasped it before. Understanding it as the possibility that whatever the reason for the wait - it's not necessarily on hold because of me.
In other words... I'm okay. And it's alright to retrieve my self-esteem from the trash.
That my friends is a spiritual moment. The moment when your breath catches and your eyes boast a new awareness; a spark of knowledge that warms you from inside out. The moment when you know the past and the path you strayed from can coexist with the bright new future just ahead.
The lesson I walked away with tonight is simple. Ease up...
Don't be your own worst judge. Don't think because you're not where you want to be right now you've no hope of ever getting there at all.
Don't put life on hold to make it perfect. Don't believe you've got to be like everyone else to achieve your goals and dreams.
Believe in other people. Believe in people who believe in you.
Be thankful for what you have. Be grateful for unexpected blessings.
Be honest and true. And seek that same clarity in others.
Find joy and that joy will find you...
Mom On the Run
I admit it... I slept with the light on last night. Pretending it was only sheer laziness that kept me from getting out of bed to turn it off rather than cop to the fact that keeping it on made me feel better protected against the fugitive spider in my room. ('Cause everyone knows that spiders will absolutely not crawl into your bed just so long as the light is on.) And it was with this knowledge that I was finally able to fall asleep last night and stop worrying about whether or not the brown walls of my bedroom were camouflaging the little bastard. And as far as I'm concerned tonight, he took advantage of the opportunity to pack his bags and leave while I was at work today, leaving my room miraculously spider free.
Did I mention that I really don't like spiders?
In other news, no word on the Mom front which I'm guessing means she's yet to track down Bono or any of his affiliates. I do wonder however if she's having the time of her life, not that I actually have any doubts that she is. But it's just so weird, my little Mom is a world traveler. Experiencing new places, new people, and new things, and all without me...
And I've got to admit, I'm a little jealous. But in a very good way. I did tell her however that next year we'll be adding me to her carry on luggage. I don't care where we go (actually I do) just as long as it requires a passport and lots of dramamine to get me through the airplane ride.
Unfortunately I'm at my limit for blogging before bed with another early in looming large before me. And since tomorrow is an absolutely can't stay late at work night with a return of the Thursday night getting back to God dinner and discussions at church, I've got to take my lumps and go in at the ass crack of dawn... Or at least twenty minutes after my alarm initially goes off.
Did I mention that I really don't like spiders?
In other news, no word on the Mom front which I'm guessing means she's yet to track down Bono or any of his affiliates. I do wonder however if she's having the time of her life, not that I actually have any doubts that she is. But it's just so weird, my little Mom is a world traveler. Experiencing new places, new people, and new things, and all without me...
And I've got to admit, I'm a little jealous. But in a very good way. I did tell her however that next year we'll be adding me to her carry on luggage. I don't care where we go (actually I do) just as long as it requires a passport and lots of dramamine to get me through the airplane ride.
Unfortunately I'm at my limit for blogging before bed with another early in looming large before me. And since tomorrow is an absolutely can't stay late at work night with a return of the Thursday night getting back to God dinner and discussions at church, I've got to take my lumps and go in at the ass crack of dawn... Or at least twenty minutes after my alarm initially goes off.
Ridiculous Ramblings
If I had a last nerve, I'd be down to it today. Between the minor child mouthing off, work burying me alive, and people being well people, I've had it from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. And I'm tired...
So much for that vacation doing me any good. My stress levels are back to being just as high as they were before I took the time off.
And this is possibly not a very good time for me to decide to try to negate some of my bad habits. I mean cause really... I want to cry myself right into a big bowl of ice cream right now and it's only by a thread I'm holding myself back.
I also want to go to sleep... But somewhere in my room there is a rather large spider lurking in the darkness just waiting to get me. And really, how am I supposed to sleep when there's an awful good chance that it could crawl on up and get all spidery on me...
If it weren't so darn late, I'd be breaking out my vacuum to go all Ghostbuster on its ass. For the sake of my neighbors however, I'm going to resist. Maybe I'll just sleep with a shoe or maybe I'll just sleep on the couch.
Or maybe I'll just stay up all freaking night long writing nonsense, listening to music like I am right now on my headphones. Northern Lad by Tori to be exact... Damn. I really should have gotten those concert tickets. I knew I was going to regret that one. I must have been having one of those crazy moments again...
I need to get out more.
Except Friday night is out as Bren and I are volunteering some time to the church, Saturday I've got to work for who knows how long during the day, and Sunday... Well, aren't I suppose to get at least one day of rest?
Which reminds me... Wasn't I invited to a party? And when am I supposed to go? And how am I getting there? Because no... I don't walk to camp out in a tent in someones yard, but driving home is not going to be an option.
Hmmmm... Decisions, decisions, decisions...
On another note, my Mom is on vacation in Ireland... She called me right before she left to board her plane and asked me what I wanted her to bring me back, and I asked for only one thing...
Bono.
If Mom brings him back, there will be no doubt that she is the bestest Mom in the entire world!
So much for that vacation doing me any good. My stress levels are back to being just as high as they were before I took the time off.
And this is possibly not a very good time for me to decide to try to negate some of my bad habits. I mean cause really... I want to cry myself right into a big bowl of ice cream right now and it's only by a thread I'm holding myself back.
I also want to go to sleep... But somewhere in my room there is a rather large spider lurking in the darkness just waiting to get me. And really, how am I supposed to sleep when there's an awful good chance that it could crawl on up and get all spidery on me... If it weren't so darn late, I'd be breaking out my vacuum to go all Ghostbuster on its ass. For the sake of my neighbors however, I'm going to resist. Maybe I'll just sleep with a shoe or maybe I'll just sleep on the couch.
Or maybe I'll just stay up all freaking night long writing nonsense, listening to music like I am right now on my headphones. Northern Lad by Tori to be exact... Damn. I really should have gotten those concert tickets. I knew I was going to regret that one. I must have been having one of those crazy moments again...
I need to get out more.
Except Friday night is out as Bren and I are volunteering some time to the church, Saturday I've got to work for who knows how long during the day, and Sunday... Well, aren't I suppose to get at least one day of rest?
Which reminds me... Wasn't I invited to a party? And when am I supposed to go? And how am I getting there? Because no... I don't walk to camp out in a tent in someones yard, but driving home is not going to be an option.
Hmmmm... Decisions, decisions, decisions...
On another note, my Mom is on vacation in Ireland... She called me right before she left to board her plane and asked me what I wanted her to bring me back, and I asked for only one thing...
Bono.
If Mom brings him back, there will be no doubt that she is the bestest Mom in the entire world!
Recommendation for Reading
I had only thought to read a few pages. A chapter at most and then I'd put the book down and run out for a few minutes to do some quick errands. An hour and a half later, the book is finished and my errands have been moved to the to do list for tomorrow. One would think that I would know better than to bother picking up a book when I know that the only way I'll be putting it down is by finishing it.
This story however was a hard read. And there were times when I had to rest my eyes and give myself a second to breathe before continuing on. The book, If I Am Missing Or Dead - A Sister's Story of Love, Murder and Liberation by Janine Latus is not a fictional telling of something that might have been but rather a heart wrenching account of the silence of abuse, and the murder of a beloved sister. I won't pretend to think that I can do this book any justice by trying to sum it up in a few short sentences. I could, but I'm choosing not to. Advising instead that you read it for yourself.
I am however a big fan of borrowing an excerpt to share...
I know how important this message is to get out... Because it's not enough just to say it, or read it when it's easy to think that no, that could never be me. And the truth is, that's what I thought too. It took forcing myself out from my own denial before I was ready to face the truth of what I had allowed to happen... And it took twenty two days short of one year before I finally reached out and admitted to my family and my friends that I did need their help.
I only wish I'd called them sooner...
This story however was a hard read. And there were times when I had to rest my eyes and give myself a second to breathe before continuing on. The book, If I Am Missing Or Dead - A Sister's Story of Love, Murder and Liberation by Janine Latus is not a fictional telling of something that might have been but rather a heart wrenching account of the silence of abuse, and the murder of a beloved sister. I won't pretend to think that I can do this book any justice by trying to sum it up in a few short sentences. I could, but I'm choosing not to. Advising instead that you read it for yourself.
I am however a big fan of borrowing an excerpt to share...
"If you see yourself in this book, you are not alone. I thought I was. Amy thought she was. But we weren't. I know now that if we had asked, people would have come, as they will for you.
It takes courage to change your life. Day in and day out, over and over, you have to decide to take the small, brave steps that change your future."
I know how important this message is to get out... Because it's not enough just to say it, or read it when it's easy to think that no, that could never be me. And the truth is, that's what I thought too. It took forcing myself out from my own denial before I was ready to face the truth of what I had allowed to happen... And it took twenty two days short of one year before I finally reached out and admitted to my family and my friends that I did need their help.
I only wish I'd called them sooner...
Giving Myself Over to the Muse
Another night spent with the headphones on my ears. It's like a new strange addiction for me. Entranced with all this new music and lyrics that actually mean something when they're sung. And I'm hooked, caught up in sounds. And those sounds become sights in my head like a motion picture movie. And I could watch forever...
And this is what I know is good for me to do right now. Going soul deep inside myself to try to figure out where it is I've been. And here in the darkness, I'm getting closer.
And this is what I know is good for me to do right now. Going soul deep inside myself to try to figure out where it is I've been. And here in the darkness, I'm getting closer.
Life On the Ceiling
I sit here with my eyes closed.
Try to give myself over to the darkness and to the thoughts that only come when I shut down the thinking part of my brain. And then this damn song comes on out of nowhere and I'm pulled back into the one thought I don't want to have.
Just like that.
Thoughts I've been trying not to have anymore. Pointless ones in fact. One step forward, ten months back. And so much for saying I was through with entertaining them at all.
I want a memory erase.
I don't want to remember snippets of conversations anymore. I don't want to miss the empty minutes in an afternoon, the endless hours of the night, the early call of morning waking up alone without the motivation to get out of bed in a world that doesn't stop for broken hearts and wounded souls. Phones that don't ring, faces that come, faces that go, bodies that merge and break apart. Hopes that rise, and the reality that runs you over.
And still I can't believe that there are simple black and white reasons for every why that exists out there. How am I glass half empty girl when I always thought the glass was exactly at the level it needed to be?
Does this mean I give up the idea that on the inside we all want what's good and right? Does this mean I've been wrong for all these years?
Maybe I'm just that damn naive.
Soft, soft heart steeped in all this silence. Don't say a word. Don't shed a tear. And if you do, hide them all. All of this, every little thing is a circle game. Not saying the things we really need to say, wanting to believe the best of people, not wanting to condemn them before we're sure they've done us wrong. Wanting to forgive them when we know they have. Wishing that this big divide would take itself far, far away. So we could just live and breathe and be free of the masks of the people we pretend to be.
Why are we so scared to admit that we need to lean on those we love?
Why are we so scared that we're not enough if we're just ourselves?
Why do I feel that I can't honestly answer the question of who I am anymore?
Who am I beyond the roles I carry in my life?
And is thirty-two too young to be having a mid-life crisis?
Why am I losing sleep over all of this?
Because I'm not.
Not sleeping you know...
Try to give myself over to the darkness and to the thoughts that only come when I shut down the thinking part of my brain. And then this damn song comes on out of nowhere and I'm pulled back into the one thought I don't want to have.
Just like that.
Thoughts I've been trying not to have anymore. Pointless ones in fact. One step forward, ten months back. And so much for saying I was through with entertaining them at all.
I want a memory erase.
I don't want to remember snippets of conversations anymore. I don't want to miss the empty minutes in an afternoon, the endless hours of the night, the early call of morning waking up alone without the motivation to get out of bed in a world that doesn't stop for broken hearts and wounded souls. Phones that don't ring, faces that come, faces that go, bodies that merge and break apart. Hopes that rise, and the reality that runs you over.
And still I can't believe that there are simple black and white reasons for every why that exists out there. How am I glass half empty girl when I always thought the glass was exactly at the level it needed to be?
Does this mean I give up the idea that on the inside we all want what's good and right? Does this mean I've been wrong for all these years?
Maybe I'm just that damn naive.
Soft, soft heart steeped in all this silence. Don't say a word. Don't shed a tear. And if you do, hide them all. All of this, every little thing is a circle game. Not saying the things we really need to say, wanting to believe the best of people, not wanting to condemn them before we're sure they've done us wrong. Wanting to forgive them when we know they have. Wishing that this big divide would take itself far, far away. So we could just live and breathe and be free of the masks of the people we pretend to be.
Why are we so scared to admit that we need to lean on those we love?
Why are we so scared that we're not enough if we're just ourselves?
Why do I feel that I can't honestly answer the question of who I am anymore?
Who am I beyond the roles I carry in my life?
And is thirty-two too young to be having a mid-life crisis?
Why am I losing sleep over all of this?
Because I'm not.
Not sleeping you know...
- What I wouldn't give just to forget. What I wouldn't give to get some rest. So I can remember how to live again. I want to live again... -
"What I Wouldn't Give" - Holly Brook - Like Blood Like Honey
Pulling a Mike Rowe.
I have to get up at a very unreasonable hour to go to work extra early in the morning to catch up on all the work I wasn't able to get finished today... And while I'm attempting to think of what I can blather on about tonight, I've got to tell you that I've got nothing. 100% nada.
And though I assure you that I could - if I really, really wanted to - continue on in this vein for a good ten minutes more, I'm going to save us all the trouble and go to bed. Because (a) I'm sleepy, (b) I'm not a morning person until about 11:00 am and (c) did I mention I have to go to work at a very unreasonable hour in the morning?
But here's an idea since I've been having some blank moments lately as to writing topics... I've decided to pull a Mike Rowe. And if you don't know who and I do say who Mike Rowe is, I direct you to the Discovery Channel where eventually you will find a man who does all sorts of nasty jobs with a smile on his face and for all intents and purposes a good attitude on screen. He's also (in my book) on the yummy side. In fact, if there was even the smallest chance that he could be convinced that cleaning KC's room fell under the heading of DIRTY JOBS, I'd be sending in my video application right here and now. (Besides I've already given up on the idea that my job would actually constitute one, that is unless you count some of the conversations I've been in on which are SO not my fault. I mean really, people tell me things and I'm just there to listen. A completely innocent bystander. A-yup.)
Anyhoo I was attempting to make a point as difficult as that can be for me... So here it is, if you have any ideas for something you'd like to read, feel free to send them my way... Who knows... I may even write something that's actually more interesting than how I spent my labor day cleaning my entire house!
Woo Hoo! The places we could go!
Toodles until tomorrow. This is me saying, brush your teeth, wash your face and get a good nights sleep.
And though I assure you that I could - if I really, really wanted to - continue on in this vein for a good ten minutes more, I'm going to save us all the trouble and go to bed. Because (a) I'm sleepy, (b) I'm not a morning person until about 11:00 am and (c) did I mention I have to go to work at a very unreasonable hour in the morning?
But here's an idea since I've been having some blank moments lately as to writing topics... I've decided to pull a Mike Rowe. And if you don't know who and I do say who Mike Rowe is, I direct you to the Discovery Channel where eventually you will find a man who does all sorts of nasty jobs with a smile on his face and for all intents and purposes a good attitude on screen. He's also (in my book) on the yummy side. In fact, if there was even the smallest chance that he could be convinced that cleaning KC's room fell under the heading of DIRTY JOBS, I'd be sending in my video application right here and now. (Besides I've already given up on the idea that my job would actually constitute one, that is unless you count some of the conversations I've been in on which are SO not my fault. I mean really, people tell me things and I'm just there to listen. A completely innocent bystander. A-yup.)
Anyhoo I was attempting to make a point as difficult as that can be for me... So here it is, if you have any ideas for something you'd like to read, feel free to send them my way... Who knows... I may even write something that's actually more interesting than how I spent my labor day cleaning my entire house!
Woo Hoo! The places we could go!
Toodles until tomorrow. This is me saying, brush your teeth, wash your face and get a good nights sleep.
A Day Full of Manual Labor
I got a slow start today but I'm only now just sitting down after having spent most of my evening cleaning like I haven't cleaned in quite a while. And all I can say is damn... I need a drink.
But the only drink I want right now is a tropical fruit smoothie from Dunkin Doughnuts and I'm not leaving the house to go get one. Besides we're having yet another sleepover as I have not yet learned the art of saying no and evidently meaning it.
I am not however making ice cream sundaes again tonight but mostly because I don't want to wait the twenty minutes it would take to thaw the ice cream out... I've been complaining since last October and more recently for the last three weeks to my landlord that something has gone wonky with the fridge. And wonky is putting it mildly as the freezer is snowing and turning everything in it to blocks of unbreakable ice and the fridge is barely staying cold enough to keep the milk from curdling.
The good news however is that supposedly he'll be delivering and installing a new fridge tomorrow... But like most of his I'll get to it eventually promises, I'm not going to believe it until I see it and he's not going to see the rent check until it's done.
Along with that, it's back to work for me in the morning and I'm not dreading it like I thought I would... In fact, I would almost go so far as to say I've missed a few people... Proving my point that I really do need to get out more.
Doing What I Love
I'm trying something new tonight. Listening to MSN radio to bring about some new thoughts by altering the sounds around me. The only problem is when I start to get a little too involved in the music, swaying along to the beat, I forget that what I'm supposed to be doing is writing, not getting lost in the song.
But getting lost is easy when the lyrics pull you in and the melody draws you near. You can't help but surrender yourself to a dozen different thoughts. Certain songs, certain artists, they can do that to you.
Tonight I feel a million miles away, I might as well be on the other side of the world. Nights like these when I'm okay with the darkness and the single candle lit within. Nights like these when I like being the only one here sitting alone in front of my computer waiting for the words to come. And when they do it feels like magic...
If you're like me, you know this feeling. You've felt it like the strength of arms wrapped around you. Holding you in, helping you up, giving you strength, letting you go... And when you're without it, your body always longs for that embrace.
