Self-Banning: Not a Significant Source of Your Recommended Daily Amount of Fiber

I'm putting myself on a book ban, right along with everything else that has just got to go. Because I can't be trusted. Not with ice cream in my freezer. Not with a tall man sitting on my couch. Not with the kind of book that only encourages bad hanging on behavior when the key to moving on is really having to let go.

And far be it from me to feel the need to point out each and every one of my flaws to you. But honestly there are just some things you're absolutely going to need to know if we're to continue going on the way we've been.

Things I won't admit like sometimes being scared of the dark. Or covering my mouth with my hand while I'm driving in my car so people won't catch on to the fact that I'm singing. Or that I talk far too much when I'm nervous but even less than that when I'm upset.

Or that I'm over someone I'm absolutely not, that I'm interested in someone I shouldn't be, and that if I had to choose I'd go with the guy who took my heart two years ago and never came back to claim the rest of me.

And should anyone come across this smarmy bastard, smack him for me with the knowledge that he is owed...

This is where I should say that it's his loss. Not that he ever admitted it beyond his one attempt to say something I didn't quite understand that went a little something just like this, "I'm not the scared little bitch you think I am right now, but I am scared." (And a bitch! And yes, I added that last part on.)

God forbid I ever figure out what that means. It's like a riddle that no one, not even the one who spoke it, can solve...

Bunny Boy notwithstanding, I'm not getting any better at figuring out the puzzle. I know men think they've got it bad trying to figure out women speak, but damn if we women don't have it worst trying to figure out intentions.

Do they have them? What do they mean? And for the love of God what am I supposed to do?

(Side note: If anyone has any answers to any of the aforementioned questions, please contact me directly via the comment section. It would be awfully nice to be in the know on some of these things.)

Back to what I was saying...

It's all about avoidance.



Avoiding temptation, avoiding heartache, avoiding boy brought on depression, avoiding the freezer with the ice cream still calling out my name, avoiding everything and anything that I absolutely want, but can't and shouldn't have...

Avoiding Temptations

My kitchen is completely off limits. A danger zone without bright blinking yellow lights to warn me off from going in. Which is why I'm hiding out in my living room. Hoping against hope that the more I try to distract myself from thinking about the ice cream that is practically screaming my name right through the freezer door, I'll be able to resist the temptation of that one little spoonful which will surely lead to two if I allow myself just one...

And I've been doing so good. Well enough to say that ice cream hasn't crossed the threshold of my home for over five months until my daughter decided to make a fuss over her right to eat ice cream regardless of the ban I've put on it myself.

I've got to admit, I'm not a big fan of my kid being right. But mostly I'm not a big fan of keeping temptation close at hand when it's far easier to live without having to worry about it at all.

Ice cream, much like men you know are absolutely no good for you, are both best kept at a discreet distance. In other words, out of your freezer, off of your couch and certainly not when accompanied by a bottle of wine.

Then again I do have a knack for ignoring my own good advice as long as my friends don't remind me to remember what I'd say to myself if I weren't myself at all. And I do hate it when they're absolutely right...

Damn common sense and self control!

Two Days Off, Too Many Days On

Is it really almost Monday?

Or is this some kind of sad, sick joke?

I wish it were Friday night all over again, Saturday afternoon once more... Except maybe this time a little more dry and a little less wet, and a whole lot closer to shore.

But that's a story that requires more time than I have right now to tell.

Tomorrow?

Well, maybe...

At Your Disposal

I draw the line at picking up after my neighbor. Specifically, her garbage which she left sitting out on her side of the house simply because she was too lazy to walk to the front yard and retrieve the garbage receptacle that was still out by the road from this morning's pick-up.

Garbage I might add that would not have been picked up at all had I not woken up at five something this morning to bring it out to the curb... And wasn't I so glad to come home from work - dreadful place really - pull in my driveway and see that it was still there, right where I had left it, waiting for me to return it to its proper place.

Though this doesn't explain the piles of magazines left at my front door. Magazines which weren't for me, weren't anything new, and were obviously part of someones recyclables that somehow, someway, and annoyingly made their way to where they became my problem...

But I have no problem tossing that right back into the recyclable bin and waving them a brief and permanent good-bye. After all, there's no article in Cosmo or Glamour worth reading anyway. Sometimes I wonder how they can sell the same information month after month after month...

Honestly, I guess I just don't get how many different sexual positions for achieving your maximum orgasm while making your guy feel like he's the king of the world, while knowing how to handle your annoying co-workers, mother-in-laws, or ex-best friends articles you have to read before you can consider yourself a bonafide pro...

Metamorphosis

I want to bottle up everything I've heard, all that I've seen. And I want to carry this feeling inside me so that every time I forget what it feels like to feel, I'll always have this to remind me.

It seems like nonsense. But you can go on so little for so long, that you stop expecting more from anything or anyone. And maybe this is why I've been putting myself through the ringer these past few months. Pushing myself as hard as I can push to break through this invisible barrier that separates me from the world.

I get pissed at myself when I think of all the time I've wasted, living in a self-made cocoon all because the unexpected took me by surprise. Things I never thought would happen to me, places I never thought to find myself, things that I was too young to know how to handle and then too used to living with in silence.

I've tried to put my brave face on, and I've tapped into my strength, even when my reserves were low. But I've never managed to get pass that line that separates failure from success, joy from profound sorrow. I guess I never even thought to consider that I was the only key that needed turning. That I have always been the one true lock that has kept me where I am, on the inside looking out and on the outside looking in.

Life isn't perfect. Far from it. But I know what the things are that I need, and I know that there are some things that can be had but aren't worth taking. You grow up when you know when to say to when, when to say yes, and when to let the whole thing just pass you by.

I'm a slow learner... But sometimes I do actually heed the lesson.

"All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing -- glue your self infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond".
- Nisargadatta Maharaj

Something Rather Than Nothing

A quick something to say so I can get it said and get myself to bed...

Things accomplished today:

1. Forced myself to go to work and not have a pretend sick day.
2. Three miles on the treadmill. All uphill.
3. Made dinner for tomorrow tonight.
4. Two loads of laundry, one load of dishes and grocery shopping.
5. Did not maim anyone today.
6. Played with the pint sized pup.
7. Made KC clean the cat litter.

Things not accomplished today:

1. Did not call and make KC an appointment with the dentist.
2. Did not color my hair as I have been meaning to do for the past two weeks.
3. Did not clean out my car and it's plethora of water bottles in need of recycling.
4. Did not make bed.
5. Did not maim anyone today.
6. Did not talk to the new lady downstairs about the ridiculous volume level of her television which she leaves on every night, all night.
7. Did not take Lucy for her walk.

I know as far as lists go, this one is so close to lame that I can't even say it's bordering on it. But this whole getting back into the swing of things is a bit hard after too much time off for bad cable behavior.

Still something is always better than nothing and just as soon as I succeed in making a complete and total ass of myself, I guaranty that you'll be first to know.

Missing Her Mom

She falls apart and I feel helpless to help her. Watching as she tries to hide her tears and suffer through a movie too good not to like, but too hard to watch when the subject matter has literally hit too close to home.

I understand her distance. The safety of pretending not to need anyone or anything when everything is just too much, too hard to comprehend. There is no getting around the finality of death. And you can't help but remember every moment of the last moment. A family holding hands, ushering life to death with love, trying so hard to let her go in the sudden recognition of everything they were losing, unable to know just how hard the coming months would be.

Everything is a reminder of what is not where it should be, of who is missing. An equation that refuses to measure up. A conversation you begin and end when you realize you are standing there in an empty room speaking to yourself and waiting for a reply.

It is emptiness longing to be filled.

She turns to me and I feel I must apologize for allowing sadness to find her on a Friday night. She shakes her head, mumbles it's okay and readies herself for the drive she has to go back to home.

I worry about her. My youngest sister. Holding so much in, keeping so much to herself. Inside an emotional tsunami getting ready to let go.

Odd Girl Out

There’s something to be said about having to be right at any cost. And I’m convinced that anyone who utters the phrase "Not to be rude, but…" in preface to most everything they have to say is someone who uses mock politeness as an excuse to be absolutely intolerable.

Perhaps I seem to be coming across a little harsh. Intolerable after all is a word that doesn’t leave room for much improvement. Then again intolerable has the habit of wearing rose colored glasses and believing that there is no other way than their way and their way is always perfectly right.

In other words which can be interpreted in their words, "I’m wrong."

Not that I’m saying in the least that I think I’m right one hundred percent of the time, I just know in this instance that a lot can be gained from a little perspective when living in the real world.

I like to call it reality.

The absolute truth of everything.

The truth is that I can’t change who I am without becoming someone I don’t want to be. And if that means I can’t be perfect, then so be it. I don’t have to reach unfathomable expectations to be happy with myself. And I certainly don’t need to kick myself in the ass anytime I make a mistake just to prove I’m really sorry for having made a judgment call that turned out to be not exactly how I hoped it would be.

Alanis said it best, "You live. You learn."

And isn’t that just the way this world goes ‘round?

So for all of you out there who think it’s you’re God given right to critique and criticize as often as you draw breath, a little small word of advice…

Ease up.

Running From the Rain

White t-shirts, bright blue bras and rain storms don't mix. At least not when you're out and about in public. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that it pretty much ends the shopping trip. Or at least it does for those of us who occasionally remember what the word modesty means... Not that I'm modest much at all. But even I was staring at my wet plastered on t-shirt thinking, "Holy crap! Will you look at that there!"

Needless to say, I only completed two of the four errands I had on my agenda for tonight. Which is quite honestly nothing close to being a big deal since I am a true believer in the theory that what cannot get done today can always be done tomorrow. A theory better known as procrastination. And yes, I am a master of it. A black belt even.

I do have to say that I'm not sure just where to start tonight, well beyond the blue bra mishap that is. It's been so long since I've had the ability (also known as a working Internet connection) and the time (when I'm not spending each and every night trying to obliterate myself at the gym) to sit down (on my newly acquired and might I add cute and getting cuter by the day ass) to write anything (beyond my last will and testament of which there is really nothing to give to anyone at all other than my daughter and my dog, and I think my dog is fairing better than my daughter) that fills you in (on everything I've been meaning to tell you or have been conveniently trying not to mention) going on in my life right now and these past few months when silence has been a sore substitute for the written word.

This might also explain my penchant for run-on sentences... But I digress.

And then I yawn, look over at the clock on my desk and think that I don't have a lot more in me tonight to say much more... I could blame it on having to get up early. Or attribute it to going to the gym. But I think tonight I'll just fess up and tell you I'm just plain worn out down to my toes.

So maybe more tomorrow. If my connection is still connecting that is...

Waiting On Sooner Rather Than Later

Still lacking the necessities to get my Internet up and running... There is however a good chance that at some point this week, I may be able to change all that...

As for me right this second, right now, I'm off at a galloping pace... Always so much to do and it seems never enough time to do any of it at all!

More soon... I hope!

Fingers crossed.