Metamorphosis

I want to bottle up everything I've heard, all that I've seen. And I want to carry this feeling inside me so that every time I forget what it feels like to feel, I'll always have this to remind me.

It seems like nonsense. But you can go on so little for so long, that you stop expecting more from anything or anyone. And maybe this is why I've been putting myself through the ringer these past few months. Pushing myself as hard as I can push to break through this invisible barrier that separates me from the world.

I get pissed at myself when I think of all the time I've wasted, living in a self-made cocoon all because the unexpected took me by surprise. Things I never thought would happen to me, places I never thought to find myself, things that I was too young to know how to handle and then too used to living with in silence.

I've tried to put my brave face on, and I've tapped into my strength, even when my reserves were low. But I've never managed to get pass that line that separates failure from success, joy from profound sorrow. I guess I never even thought to consider that I was the only key that needed turning. That I have always been the one true lock that has kept me where I am, on the inside looking out and on the outside looking in.

Life isn't perfect. Far from it. But I know what the things are that I need, and I know that there are some things that can be had but aren't worth taking. You grow up when you know when to say to when, when to say yes, and when to let the whole thing just pass you by.

I'm a slow learner... But sometimes I do actually heed the lesson.

"All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing -- glue your self infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond".
- Nisargadatta Maharaj