Try to give myself over to the darkness and to the thoughts that only come when I shut down the thinking part of my brain. And then this damn song comes on out of nowhere and I'm pulled back into the one thought I don't want to have.
Just like that.
Thoughts I've been trying not to have anymore. Pointless ones in fact. One step forward, ten months back. And so much for saying I was through with entertaining them at all.
I want a memory erase.
I don't want to remember snippets of conversations anymore. I don't want to miss the empty minutes in an afternoon, the endless hours of the night, the early call of morning waking up alone without the motivation to get out of bed in a world that doesn't stop for broken hearts and wounded souls. Phones that don't ring, faces that come, faces that go, bodies that merge and break apart. Hopes that rise, and the reality that runs you over.
And still I can't believe that there are simple black and white reasons for every why that exists out there. How am I glass half empty girl when I always thought the glass was exactly at the level it needed to be?
Does this mean I give up the idea that on the inside we all want what's good and right? Does this mean I've been wrong for all these years?
Maybe I'm just that damn naive.
Soft, soft heart steeped in all this silence. Don't say a word. Don't shed a tear. And if you do, hide them all. All of this, every little thing is a circle game. Not saying the things we really need to say, wanting to believe the best of people, not wanting to condemn them before we're sure they've done us wrong. Wanting to forgive them when we know they have. Wishing that this big divide would take itself far, far away. So we could just live and breathe and be free of the masks of the people we pretend to be.
Why are we so scared to admit that we need to lean on those we love?
Why are we so scared that we're not enough if we're just ourselves?
Why do I feel that I can't honestly answer the question of who I am anymore?
Who am I beyond the roles I carry in my life?
And is thirty-two too young to be having a mid-life crisis?
Why am I losing sleep over all of this?
Because I'm not.
Not sleeping you know...
- What I wouldn't give just to forget. What I wouldn't give to get some rest. So I can remember how to live again. I want to live again... -
"What I Wouldn't Give" - Holly Brook - Like Blood Like Honey
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