My head touches the pillow and I close my eyes and pretend that I might sleep. And I try to think warm, comforting thoughts to encourage the soft pull of dreams to give rest to my racing mind. But as tired as I am, I am wide eyed awake sitting at the kitchen table with my bare feet pressed against the cold laminate floor and an icy shawl wrapped around my shoulders.
Some days I just don't know what to do with myself. Either I'm going too far in one direction or I'm giving up on the other entirely, spinning myself around in circles to get nowhere very fast.
I wish to God that things could be different. I wish that if anything could be in overabundance it would be laughter and not the anger and tears that seem to fill my days. I guess I just painted myself a rose colored picture of the reality I wanted, and didn't realize how hard all of this would really be.
And it's not that I'm afraid of things not being easy. God knows I am no stranger to hardship. But I feel so out of control that there are mornings I get up and look in the mirror and wonder if it's me, if it's him or if it's just us combined that makes this so much harder than it has to be.
I don't mean to sound as if I'm trying to place blame. It doesn't make much sense to even bother with those kind of thoughts. Instead I wish that I could think of a thousand and one solutions. Anything to make things better for everyone involved. Anything to allow joy back into this world we've created.
And maybe my sorry's don't count. But they are heartfelt and sincere.
Reconstruction
The beauty of being human is to know the power of our own hearts and to own all that we feel inside. We are the key to open any and every door.
The Whispering of Wishes
The wind is howling something fierce tonight. Pushing against the house causing it to creak and moan while I sit here warm to my toes inside. Earlier thoughts of a summer breeze and the memory of a lush green field that once grew outside my bedroom window, had me wondering whether or not the crickets would sound the same here as they did at home.
I always found them a comfort. The gentle serenade that often lulled me to sleep, interrupted at times by the throaty call of a bullfrog adding his voice to the tune. And sometimes when I couldn't sleep, I'd slip quietly outside and watch the stars with my back pressed up against the porch, listening as if there were something more I was meant to hear.
Thoughts like these remind me of Ms. Manchester, my creative writing teacher. Perhaps it is true of all those who dabble in the world of written art that we live between two worlds. The world that is, and the one we dream. During our last class, I can remember how she took out a piece of paper and as she stood in front of her desk with the olive green chalkboard empty at last behind her, she read what she believed her hopes and dreams for the future of each one of us would be. I have never forgotten what she said.
"Stacey will change our lives with words."
And from the moment it was said, I felt an odd prickling at the back of my neck. An odd fluttering in my heart. And I knew without a doubt that she believed the truth of her words, just as I believed from that very moment, my life found the course of its true direction.
My goal in life is simple ... To say something in a way that everyone can understand. To show us all that we are not alone in what we feel. And if I touch even one life with words that seem to come so easy to me, it will be enough. More than enough.
I always found them a comfort. The gentle serenade that often lulled me to sleep, interrupted at times by the throaty call of a bullfrog adding his voice to the tune. And sometimes when I couldn't sleep, I'd slip quietly outside and watch the stars with my back pressed up against the porch, listening as if there were something more I was meant to hear.
Thoughts like these remind me of Ms. Manchester, my creative writing teacher. Perhaps it is true of all those who dabble in the world of written art that we live between two worlds. The world that is, and the one we dream. During our last class, I can remember how she took out a piece of paper and as she stood in front of her desk with the olive green chalkboard empty at last behind her, she read what she believed her hopes and dreams for the future of each one of us would be. I have never forgotten what she said.
"Stacey will change our lives with words."
And from the moment it was said, I felt an odd prickling at the back of my neck. An odd fluttering in my heart. And I knew without a doubt that she believed the truth of her words, just as I believed from that very moment, my life found the course of its true direction.
My goal in life is simple ... To say something in a way that everyone can understand. To show us all that we are not alone in what we feel. And if I touch even one life with words that seem to come so easy to me, it will be enough. More than enough.
Leading With My Best Foot
Sometimes I take too much on myself. Other times I don't take nearly enough. Lately I've been thinking that there are some things I need to change about my life and the way I'm living it.
I've made a ton of errors. Quick fixes I thought would hold. I thought if I could just control everything around me, it would be enough. I could live by just getting by, and make peace with being stuck in middle ground. I thought I could make do.
But I can't. And I'm beginning to understand that there will always be a part of me that won't be happy with second best or second place. My dreams have to come first.
And if I give up on me, then who will be left to have faith in me?
And I know me too well to know that I have never been a quitter. And I'm not the sort of person who runs from anything without a fight. There are some things I can't change, there are some things I can't undo, but there is a future that is decided with every second of the day and every minute that passes and what I do right now - in this moment - counts.
We only fail when we don't try. And I'm not ready to give up that easy.
I've made a ton of errors. Quick fixes I thought would hold. I thought if I could just control everything around me, it would be enough. I could live by just getting by, and make peace with being stuck in middle ground. I thought I could make do.
But I can't. And I'm beginning to understand that there will always be a part of me that won't be happy with second best or second place. My dreams have to come first.
And if I give up on me, then who will be left to have faith in me?
And I know me too well to know that I have never been a quitter. And I'm not the sort of person who runs from anything without a fight. There are some things I can't change, there are some things I can't undo, but there is a future that is decided with every second of the day and every minute that passes and what I do right now - in this moment - counts.
We only fail when we don't try. And I'm not ready to give up that easy.
A Well Earned Night Out
Maybe it's been quite a while since I've had enough fun to remember what fun is, but going out to dinner tonight - even if a little work was on the table - was a good time. I laughed, made silly faces, and enjoyed being in the company of my friends. Many thanks to Jake, Sean'O and Jim for a pleasant evening out on the town and for picking up the tab ... You guys rock!
