I cannot waste any more time crying. What's done is done. It's time to leave this bitter nest and move on to one that is all my own. Sure he didn't leave me much choice tonight when he walked in the door, and shoved the news down my throat.
One month he said, slamming doors and retreating down the hallway to lock himself inside his room. One month to move out, move on...
His name is on the mythical lease, not mine. And I'm no longer welcome here. What kind of man can kick a woman and her child out without batting an eye? Who can even call him a man?
When KC came out of her room, her eyes red with tears, I knew she must have heard the whole thing. She's as scared as I am. But she's ten and allowed to be scared. Me on the other hand, I'm almost thirty-two and my time to be scared has long since passed.
Am I broken? Hell no. I'm the strongest I've ever been.
My Life As a Natural Disaster
All I wanted was love and a chance at happily ever after. I should have known I was asking for far too much. From the very beginning, the exact moment when the question hung in the air waiting to be answered, I knew the biggest mistake I would ever make in my life was about to be put into motion.
I wish I could go back in time and answer that question again. How I would love to shout a resounding no into the air. No. I don't want to live with you without any solid form of commitment. No. You did me wrong the first time around, I have no desire to sign up for a repeat performance. No. I don't need you or anyone else for that matter to supply me with happiness. I have all I need right here.
How I wish I didn't give in to my weakness and my wants. How I wish I wasn't stuck here in this house living under a god damn microscope where my decisions are constantly overruled by outside influences who have absolutely no bearing on my life, and yet still manage to grip me in their iron fists. I've had enough...
Inside I am on fire, a liquid volcano to my core, fierce with anger ready to spill out and over.
I wish I could go back in time and answer that question again. How I would love to shout a resounding no into the air. No. I don't want to live with you without any solid form of commitment. No. You did me wrong the first time around, I have no desire to sign up for a repeat performance. No. I don't need you or anyone else for that matter to supply me with happiness. I have all I need right here.
How I wish I didn't give in to my weakness and my wants. How I wish I wasn't stuck here in this house living under a god damn microscope where my decisions are constantly overruled by outside influences who have absolutely no bearing on my life, and yet still manage to grip me in their iron fists. I've had enough...
Inside I am on fire, a liquid volcano to my core, fierce with anger ready to spill out and over.
Just a Stranger Passing Through
I'm not here all that often anymore. Somewhere along the way it stopped being a safe place for me to leave my thoughts and words. I disconnected. Disconnected heart from emotion, separating myself from disappointment and rejection, and what I could only see as my failure.
You give up more than just a little bit of yourself when you have to manipulate your own heart to stop feeling. Pulling in so completely shuts down more than just the negative emotions, it freezes the good ones as well. But you do what you have to do. You can't cry forever...
And so that is exactly what I've been doing. Learning as I go, moving forward one small step at a time, inch by inch, by inch. I've put on my brave face, shook my head in frustration more than a few hundred times, cried when I couldn't think of anything better to do, and reminded myself as my Mother is wont to do, that this too shall pass. Temporary setbacks are just that. Temporary.
People can lie to you. People can make promises they never intended to keep. And people can do more harm than good when their hearts and heads aren't in the right place. But they can't break you unless you let them. And they can't bring you down, unless you choose to stay there.
You give up more than just a little bit of yourself when you have to manipulate your own heart to stop feeling. Pulling in so completely shuts down more than just the negative emotions, it freezes the good ones as well. But you do what you have to do. You can't cry forever...
And so that is exactly what I've been doing. Learning as I go, moving forward one small step at a time, inch by inch, by inch. I've put on my brave face, shook my head in frustration more than a few hundred times, cried when I couldn't think of anything better to do, and reminded myself as my Mother is wont to do, that this too shall pass. Temporary setbacks are just that. Temporary.
People can lie to you. People can make promises they never intended to keep. And people can do more harm than good when their hearts and heads aren't in the right place. But they can't break you unless you let them. And they can't bring you down, unless you choose to stay there.
