I've been thinking a lot about us lately.
And I think I finally admitted to myself that there never really was an us. There was you and there was me and there were moments when I thought maybe.
I wanted so desperately to be wanted. Needed. Loved.
I wanted with all my heart to believe you when you said you loved me. I wanted even more to believe myself when I said I loved you too.
But if I loved you, you would know everything there is to know about me. But you never looked to see below the surface, content instead to skim the top. And all the secrets I have stayed silent. And all the words I could have said chose to say nothing at all.
But oh my foolish heart. She wanted to be yours. She would have slayed dragons for you, fouht against any injustice, stayed by your side through think and thin. She would have been your warrior. Your best friend. Yours for all time... If you had really wanted her.
My heart cried for days until my head told her to just hang on. We've been here before we said to ourself. We may bend but we never break. He will not be the last man you love. And what you felt only felt a little bit like love. A little bit with a whole lot missing. He never even knew your favorite color was brown. Or that sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night screaming for your Mother. Or that there are some hurts so deep he'd never be able to unbury them all.
The truth is he was in his own orbit. And you were a star circling his sun.
You loved who you thought he was. You loved who you thought he might be. You loved the idea of what you could be together. You loved a dream that fell asleep too fast and woke up too soon.
So now you're left with only silence. You don't know how to go back to just being a friend and you know you can't move forward with someone who didn't tell you the entire truth. And so you mourn both a failed relationship and a friendship that was worth even more than the short few months you thought you might be something more.
And so you do the only thing you can... You move on.
And you forget all the little things he said. And you forget how you used to smile just to hear his voice or the sound of his stupid ice machine. And you avoid even thinking about any memory that holds a piece of him. You can't survive an avalanche if you insist on standing beneath it. And this time you're saving yourself from a heartache you just can't let take control.
So you push back and you reach out and you grab an opportunity to grow. And when the new voice says hi you say an even steadier hello. And the conversation begins just with a new name, a new face and a new we'll have to wait and see. It doesn't have to be love but that's not to say it won't bloom and grow...
I admit it.
I can get absolutely bottom of the pit down in the dumps melacholy blue from time to time. It's a feeling I know well in a been there, done that one too many times kind of way. And so I do the only thing I know how to do. Pull in, pull back, buckle down, take a deep breath and fight my way through until I can see some sign of daylight through the darkness.
But I've got a gift for climbing mountains and a heart that never gives up even when it breaks.
I am enough if not for anyone else than at least always for me.
I can get absolutely bottom of the pit down in the dumps melacholy blue from time to time. It's a feeling I know well in a been there, done that one too many times kind of way. And so I do the only thing I know how to do. Pull in, pull back, buckle down, take a deep breath and fight my way through until I can see some sign of daylight through the darkness.
But I've got a gift for climbing mountains and a heart that never gives up even when it breaks.
I am enough if not for anyone else than at least always for me.
Excessive Thinking Damages the Soul
It's only when I'm thinking that things begin to go wrong.
So I've tried to stop. Stop thinking. Because I can't figure out any other way to go about my day without just wanting to break down and cry. And I don't have time to break. And I honestly know that given enough time my heart will heal on its own regardless of how much it doesn't feel that way right now.
Truth is I miss talking to him. I miss his good morning darling calls and his fall asleep on the phone goodbyes. I miss the man I called a freind for years and the lover I knew for a short five months.
The common sense side of me tries to understand. Seeing things from his line of vision. The stress of ending an almost 20 year marriage. The stress of raising two boys on his own. The stress of dealing with bat shit crazy behavior and a divorce that couldn't and as far as I know still hasn't happened soon enough. All of that and so much more weighs heavy on a heart and mind.
So maybe we just had poor timing.
And yet... I have this awful sense of loss.
Because I loved him.
And it seems even though he claimed he loved me too, he never really did at all.
So I've tried to stop. Stop thinking. Because I can't figure out any other way to go about my day without just wanting to break down and cry. And I don't have time to break. And I honestly know that given enough time my heart will heal on its own regardless of how much it doesn't feel that way right now.
Truth is I miss talking to him. I miss his good morning darling calls and his fall asleep on the phone goodbyes. I miss the man I called a freind for years and the lover I knew for a short five months.
The common sense side of me tries to understand. Seeing things from his line of vision. The stress of ending an almost 20 year marriage. The stress of raising two boys on his own. The stress of dealing with bat shit crazy behavior and a divorce that couldn't and as far as I know still hasn't happened soon enough. All of that and so much more weighs heavy on a heart and mind.
So maybe we just had poor timing.
And yet... I have this awful sense of loss.
Because I loved him.
And it seems even though he claimed he loved me too, he never really did at all.
