The world is burning.
You cannot ignore us now.
We are a forest fire raging,
our anger and our fear like lava flows...
You say BE PATIENT - This is not the way!
But we have waited - WAITED FOR YOU - to stand by our sides and say no more.
Because in this world it's YOUR VOICE that carries.
YOUR WATER that holds weight.
You who could extinguish fires instead leave them to smolder.
And OUR BROTHERS die!
Our SISTERS die!
OUR CHILDREN DIE!
And YOU just watch the smoke never thinking fire.
The world is burning.
We are burning,
begging,
pleading to be seen.
Heard.
Treated as you would treat your own.
We are people JUST LIKE YOU
But - YOU -
YOU see us as something else and make us something
WE ARE NOT.
You have no idea about INJUSTICE until you live it every day.
EVERY
DAY
Everyday I ask myself, "Is this the day I never make it home?"
SLA 05/31/2020
Another Not So Happy Ending
Trying to distract myself into not thinking about another man who has (surprise, surprise) let me down... And truth be told, it's quite an easy thing to feel disappointed even when you know that this particular guy falling through the cracks is completely for the best. A tall drink of water he might be but it's a matter of fact that he drinks far more than just water and far too often and too much to be someone it would be a good idea of setting yourself up with for the long haul. Still it made your heart go all pitter patter while it lasted and it's hard to go from something to nothing overnight.
Wrong Choices Don't Make Things Right
You didn't have to prove yourself to me. It turns out that I needed to prove me to me. And truth is, I'm failing hard. I'm doing everything all wrong rather than right, searching for something that I'm not going to find by reaching for the things I should be leaving far behind.
Dating Do's, Don'ts and Rather Not's
So I've been on a dating whirlwind and so far I'm coming up short each time. From getting ghosted to having to be the one who says thanks but no thanks, I'm quite convinced that I really don't want to do much more of this for too much longer.
Last night I went out to Syracuse with a very nice man. The conversation was good, we had fun giving an escape room a try and all around he's great... But there wasn't a single butterfly and absolutely no thought that he and I could work as relationship material. I haven't broken the news to him yet... I was kind of hoping he would text me today and say thanks but no thanks but it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to be the bearer of bad news and honestly I hate having to be the one to do it. But everyone deserves honesty and not to be left hanging so that's my assignment for tomorrow.
I keep saying I'm going to take a break from this but so far I haven't. I have however learned that I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable. And vulnerability is something I am not good at in the least. When you live as long as I have relying on no-one other than yourself without the option of breaking down and losing it, you learn to lock down the emotions and push through. You learn that you're the only one you can count on and you learn not to need anyone.
I'm always joking that I'm five foot intimidating but my girlfriends tell me I don't realize just how true that statement really is. To know me is to know that I have one of the biggest hearts out there but I protect that heart with an iron wall and it's rare that I ever let anyone close enough to break it or me. They say I have to learn how to be vulnerable in order to attract the right man... And yet, I honestly don't know if I know how to do that or even if I can do that. I don't know if I'm ready to have my heart broken again...
Last night I went out to Syracuse with a very nice man. The conversation was good, we had fun giving an escape room a try and all around he's great... But there wasn't a single butterfly and absolutely no thought that he and I could work as relationship material. I haven't broken the news to him yet... I was kind of hoping he would text me today and say thanks but no thanks but it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to be the bearer of bad news and honestly I hate having to be the one to do it. But everyone deserves honesty and not to be left hanging so that's my assignment for tomorrow.
I keep saying I'm going to take a break from this but so far I haven't. I have however learned that I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable. And vulnerability is something I am not good at in the least. When you live as long as I have relying on no-one other than yourself without the option of breaking down and losing it, you learn to lock down the emotions and push through. You learn that you're the only one you can count on and you learn not to need anyone.
I'm always joking that I'm five foot intimidating but my girlfriends tell me I don't realize just how true that statement really is. To know me is to know that I have one of the biggest hearts out there but I protect that heart with an iron wall and it's rare that I ever let anyone close enough to break it or me. They say I have to learn how to be vulnerable in order to attract the right man... And yet, I honestly don't know if I know how to do that or even if I can do that. I don't know if I'm ready to have my heart broken again...
When It Hurts
"Ouch," said my heart.
"Dumb," said my head.
"Sleep," said my body.
And all I could do was wipe away my tears and muster up the courage to think about trying again..
Black Ice
Still feeling a lot shaky after a close encounter with a bridge, two guard rails and a patch of black ice that asked me to dance before I had a chance to say no. I have no idea how I remained calm when I was convinced I was going to crash and crash badly in a I don't know if I'm going to walk away from this kind of way. Somehow however as my car pinged from one lane to the other like a bad rendition of pong I held the wheel steady and steered into and finally out of the slides. Thankfully there were no cars on either side of me and the cars behind me were far enough back that the only true worry I had was just getting the car back under control.
To say someone upstairs was looking out for me tonight is not an exaggeration. Tonight could have been something far beyond bad considering how fast I was going (55 mph) and how icy the road evidently was. I'm convinced that my hands were not alone on the wheel... I'm convinced that the calm I felt was the quiet confidence of someone else. I'm convinced that I'm here because someone didn't believe it was my time to go...
The Line
So opportunity is knocking and I've been asked out on a date for this coming Saturday night. I (in true fashion) panicked like a deer in the headlights and didn't commit to either a yes or a no.
I like K... But K is definitely not giving me any signs of life other than checking in via text. And I still say lack of effort = amount of interest or lack thereof. Unless he considers texting effort... But no, he's got to know that a woman would expect to see him and be asked out on a date even if that date was something simple like going for a walk or taking a ride or whatever you could find to do where you could simply be in each other's company. At least I think he should know...
So the question is do I take M up on the date or do I hold off until I'm sure I know what I really want to do?
Decisions.
I like K... But K is definitely not giving me any signs of life other than checking in via text. And I still say lack of effort = amount of interest or lack thereof. Unless he considers texting effort... But no, he's got to know that a woman would expect to see him and be asked out on a date even if that date was something simple like going for a walk or taking a ride or whatever you could find to do where you could simply be in each other's company. At least I think he should know...
So the question is do I take M up on the date or do I hold off until I'm sure I know what I really want to do?
Decisions.
