How old is too old to run away from home? I asked myself this today just as I was getting ready to leave work. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just pick up and move; start over in a new place just KC and I away from anyone and everyone who knows anything about us. I'm just so tired. Tired of trying so damn hard, tired of wanting too darn much and tired of watching people walk in and out of my life according to their whims and then pretending that I'm perfectly okay to watch them go when all I want to do is drag them back and convince them to stay because I'm a good person... I really am... And someone, somewhere has got to see that... If I could just be more convincing...
Sure I know that running away would solve absolutely nothing, just like crying is only good for giving me a headache. But I'm full to the brim with tears tonight and no one around to help make them go away. So what is going to change in the next few moments other than sending off this post, collecting my books and going home?
What needs to change? What change has already occurred? When will I get myself together?
Homesick
Home isn't the arched doorway leading into my living room or the gray blue walls that warm the kitchen despite the cold stone tiles. Home isn't the fireplace that seems more cold than warm, or an upstairs view on a downtown world. Home is a place that is missed like the sound of silence on a cold winter's night when everything is so still you can hear the sound of the snow itself falling flake by flake.
And how I wish I could go back to where I was, tucked away in my quiet world where nothing manmade broke the stillness of the night. Home with the grass filled field across the way and a backyard so big it went on for miles in a sea of green. To the place where I could sit alone under the cover of darkness and turn my face to the stars above, feeling safe and far removed from the glare of streetlights and the harsh sounds of a city always on its way to somewhere.
But I can't take back the mistake I made, and the home I left for little more than false hope, empty words and broken promises. I can't right the wrong that rocked my world and stole my daughter away from the innocence of climbing trees, the sunshine days of our summers. I can only learn my lesson and learn it well.
Only leave home when you have everything to gain and nothing at all to lose.
A Matter of Choice
I’m not waiting for life to just happen anymore. I want to be part of it. Every small decision, every giant leap of faith, every moment that the sun shines and the moon ebbs the tide away back to sea.
I choose to see life for what it is, a vast array of options and opportunities. To choose one thing or let go of another. To say yes with everything in my heart, or to say no when what’s been offered is not enough.
No one should ever wait for perfection, if the right time and place occur; it’s a joyful accident of fate. One that should have us raising our voices in praise of God above for the miracle that has been bestowed. And if we are lucky enough to realize what we have, we learn to hold onto it and give it value. For nothing is as random as we would like to believe it is and a gift offered and turned away is a gift that may never be given again.
A man who is in earnest for my affections will never leave me in doubt of his. He will no more play cat and mouse with my heart than I would his. A man who did not want to lose me would never take the risk to put me on hold and have me walk away, or tide himself over with pieces of me until he’s absolutely certain that I am the one he wants.
The man who gets me must be decisive. He must know his heart and mind at once to know one very simple thing, the heart that says yes will always trump the mind that says no. And the man who doesn’t love me enough, should be man enough to let me go…
(For GB... My heart says yes...)
