Straight Out of the Fog

Sometimes it's easier to hide behind a wall of words. Walking your way gently around the edges, coming just within reach of the moment you might, before hitting the wall of can't take the chance just yet.

Sometimes something needs to be said so loudly that the only way to contain it is to silence it completely from the outside world. You shelter it as if it needs protection. You give it plenty of space to call its own, but somewhere along the way you sacrifice yourself to keep your secret.

Sometimes it's easier to tell a complete stranger. Someone who has absolutely no expectations of their relationship with you. Someone who doesn't feel the need to say anything at all when you open up your mouth and speak. Someone whose reaction doesn't cause you worry. Someones whose feelings you feel no need to spare.

You give them bare facts without embellishments, the essence of every hurt, the freedom of every tear, the anger that you don't quite know how to express. You allow yourself to become vulnerable, opening up every door you've ever locked to let them see a glimpse of what's truly inside.

And then as quickly as you found yourself sitting in a room with a complete stranger telling her most of everything you've ever wanted to say, you suddenly go back to being silent. Like you cleared your plate after the meal was over, pushed yourself away from the table and went about business as usual as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

You didn't solve the worlds problems. You didn't even really solve your own. You simply let them breathe for a short while, and then returned them to the same exact place you'd been sheltering them for years. Holding on to them like precious jewels, valuables you didn't want to give away, refusing to let them go in a direction that did not take you along for the ride.

You did more damage to yourself willingly than the damage you could not control. Sanctioning it as safety and not the true case of neglect it turned out to be. You cannot forget yourself no matter how hard you try... And forgiving yourself some days seems all but impossible.

Bright lights however have a habit of shining. Beacons that call you forth from the ever present gloom. Moments when the world around you is so much bigger than the environment you've created. Times that call upon every ounce of strength you have to think of something more than just yourself while presenting the opportunity to find yourself all the same.

And you decide that inspiration doesn't always come in a pretty package with a red satin bow. Inspiration can grow like a flower watered by loss, in a body that still breathes for a second chance. And you stop waiting for someone else to hold your hand and lead the way, taking that first difficult step all on your own.

You say to yourself no more excuses. No more reasons why you won't. And you begin to list all the reasons why you can, why you will, and why you won't fail yourself this time around.

Because the truth is, you don't need to hide.