Far too early to be awake on a Sunday morning and yet I'm almost reveling in the quiet solitude save for the sound of the washer currently spinning out a load in its attempts to rattle the rest of the house awake.
Golden sunlight skims across the tops of the trees and pours itself like liquid gold across the darkness of my hardwood floors filling the house with its soft translucent light. The only thing that could make this moment better would be a steaming cup of coffee by my side. Alas having been spoiled so recently by the Keurig coffee machine at work, more specifically Timothy's Italian Blend, the folgers sitting solitary in my fridge lacks the same temptation.
The Unsuspecting Unexpected
Sometimes I like to send unexpected emails to unsuspecting people. Emails that make odd statements. Statements that are often meaningless and untrue. For example, "I want to be a ninja," was a message I sent last week. But I don't really want to be a ninja. I'm just not hardwired for violence that way.
But what I like best is when those unsuspecting people who read my unexpected emails write back... Today's response, "So do you still want to be a ninja?" received yet another unexpected reply.
"No. Today I feel my true calling would be handing out turkey legs at a Renaissance Fair."
And this my friends is why even when I'm in the most foul of moods, I can still make time to laugh.
But what I like best is when those unsuspecting people who read my unexpected emails write back... Today's response, "So do you still want to be a ninja?" received yet another unexpected reply.
"No. Today I feel my true calling would be handing out turkey legs at a Renaissance Fair."
And this my friends is why even when I'm in the most foul of moods, I can still make time to laugh.
Insomnia
The inability to sleep when your eyes really want to close. Or the consequence of going to bed at 8:30 at night.
I'd say more but there is a bedroom ceiling I've got to get back to staring at.
I'd say more but there is a bedroom ceiling I've got to get back to staring at.
An Imaginary Life
The exactness of what he said I can't remember.
Something along the lines of a suggestion. (As if he were anyone to be making any that might make sense.)
"Get your head out of the books," he said. "Go out and live a life."
I should have said the first thing that came to mind... But I held the truth from tripping across my tongue.
Instead I replied, "Make believe people are nicer."
I saved him the reason behind my words. Things he might understand. Like make believe people don't insist you drink vodka. Or try to douse your reason with wine. Or leave you without a word after you've become used to having them around. Or pretend to be your friend when they've already proven that they're not.
Maybe my books are indeed the better place to be... It seems there isn't a man alive - at least not in my life - who knows how to be a man.
Something along the lines of a suggestion. (As if he were anyone to be making any that might make sense.)
"Get your head out of the books," he said. "Go out and live a life."
I should have said the first thing that came to mind... But I held the truth from tripping across my tongue.
Instead I replied, "Make believe people are nicer."
I saved him the reason behind my words. Things he might understand. Like make believe people don't insist you drink vodka. Or try to douse your reason with wine. Or leave you without a word after you've become used to having them around. Or pretend to be your friend when they've already proven that they're not.
Maybe my books are indeed the better place to be... It seems there isn't a man alive - at least not in my life - who knows how to be a man.
Not Yet the New Year
It's getting close to the time to start thinking of my new New Year's resolutions list. And though I do wait until the absolute last minute to write them, I do like to be pragmatic in how I list them. Categories in my case are quite useful. Things I'm bound to do, things I'd like to do but won't and things on my list simply because without them my list just wouldn't be politically correct.
I am not however ready to write my list right now. It's just not too last minute to do it just yet. So practice your patience because your waiting has just begun.
I am not however ready to write my list right now. It's just not too last minute to do it just yet. So practice your patience because your waiting has just begun.
KC's Gift Exchange
Seeming as I've already proven time and time again that sitting across the room in opposite chairs trying to do the right thing doesn't work when it comes to my experiences with men and my inability to stay on the other side of the room, it can be no surprise that when my daughter invited her little teenage boyfriend over last night to exchange gifts for Christmas, I was quite beside myself.
Shuttled off upstairs politely within minutes of his arrival, it was all I could do to not keep going back downstairs for little odds and ends reasons to keep an eye on things. So I settled for making noise upstairs, sitting on the stairs, running down the stairs in false pretense to use the bathroom, a desperate need to make hot chocolate and of course just a quick peek to check on the dogs. In other words, privacy be damned. I trust no man nor boy in this house.
Perhaps however my daughter is smarter than her Mother who thinks with emotions first only to follow it up quite after the fact with logic rather than when that logic would be put to better use. That being said, the time has come to have the talk of all talks. I may not be able to stop time and my little gutsy girl is going to keep growing up regardless of my desire to have her stay my wee babe forever but I can lay out a working plan for her to be able to date and for me not to lose my mind. Maybe.
Shuttled off upstairs politely within minutes of his arrival, it was all I could do to not keep going back downstairs for little odds and ends reasons to keep an eye on things. So I settled for making noise upstairs, sitting on the stairs, running down the stairs in false pretense to use the bathroom, a desperate need to make hot chocolate and of course just a quick peek to check on the dogs. In other words, privacy be damned. I trust no man nor boy in this house.
Perhaps however my daughter is smarter than her Mother who thinks with emotions first only to follow it up quite after the fact with logic rather than when that logic would be put to better use. That being said, the time has come to have the talk of all talks. I may not be able to stop time and my little gutsy girl is going to keep growing up regardless of my desire to have her stay my wee babe forever but I can lay out a working plan for her to be able to date and for me not to lose my mind. Maybe.
Keeping Unwanted Company At Bay While Keeping Your Heating Bills Down
The fact that it's cold in my house is neither new or noteworthy. It is however a good reason to make a cup of coffee and snuggle up inside a sweater and wish with all my heart that spring or better yet summer were closer to being back than the winter which always seems to last too long.
I am however a miser living with rules that consist of not turning the heat on until November first and shutting the heat down no later than the start of April regardless of whether or not there still might be a hint of snow on the ground. My answer to the chill? Find a sweater and your socks and carry a blanket with you at all times. Warmth need not be elusive if certain measures can be made to keep you warm.
I am however a miser living with rules that consist of not turning the heat on until November first and shutting the heat down no later than the start of April regardless of whether or not there still might be a hint of snow on the ground. My answer to the chill? Find a sweater and your socks and carry a blanket with you at all times. Warmth need not be elusive if certain measures can be made to keep you warm.
Laughing In Her Sleep
She sees right through me... Gives me a hint of a smile, raising her eyebrows as if she had a question to ask rather than just to mimic the moves I make. She sees right through me and I search her eyes hopeful to see if any part of her remembers me and knows I'm there. I hold her hand and brush a kiss against her cheek, trying not to cry even as the tears steam down my face.
It breaks my heart to see her so helpless. Unable to do more than sit in her chair and wait. Wait to be moved from one spot to another, wait to be wheeled down to the dining room for dinner, wait to be wheeled back to be put to bed for the night. She's so tiny and frail... Too small to be the formidable woman I've always known her to be. My Grams... Dangerous with a cane, quick with words and independent to her core. Too much of everything to be reduced so dramatically before my eyes.
Grieving is a process that starts long before the body stops. My Mother has been grieving for months... And I know that a week just isn't long enough to help lift the sorrow from her shoulders, for me to remember every last line on my Grandma's face...
And so she sleeps... Sometimes muttering in a language that is all her own until she smiles and laughs deep in sleep, far away in dreams.
It breaks my heart to see her so helpless. Unable to do more than sit in her chair and wait. Wait to be moved from one spot to another, wait to be wheeled down to the dining room for dinner, wait to be wheeled back to be put to bed for the night. She's so tiny and frail... Too small to be the formidable woman I've always known her to be. My Grams... Dangerous with a cane, quick with words and independent to her core. Too much of everything to be reduced so dramatically before my eyes.
Grieving is a process that starts long before the body stops. My Mother has been grieving for months... And I know that a week just isn't long enough to help lift the sorrow from her shoulders, for me to remember every last line on my Grandma's face...
And so she sleeps... Sometimes muttering in a language that is all her own until she smiles and laughs deep in sleep, far away in dreams.
The Urge to Purge
I really need to schedule an appointment with one of those white coated people... As much as I dread the very thought of it, the simple fact that I haven't had one day in the past few weeks that hasn't consisted of feeling like I need to vomit every other second pretty much makes the decision almost easy. And let's be honest, WebMD only gives you about a million and one life threatening options to worry yourself silly over. So maybe this week I'll actually pick up the phone and make a call. Maybe.
In Want of Motivation
I really need to start thinking about getting ready to get ready to go out the door to the store and back in again to make something to bring to Karen's party tonight. I also really need to decide which costume I'll be wearing. The one that makes me look like bad drag in a blonde wig or the safe may I bring you a beer tavern wench. Decision, decisions, decisions...
Random Thoughts That Go Through My Head When I Hear the Neighbor Guy Start His Truck
Asking where a man goes at six something in the morning when he has no job to get to is kind of like asking yourself why keep sleeping if there's nowhere you need to be...
If it doesn't make sense, guaranteed I understand.
If it doesn't make sense, guaranteed I understand.
Here Again...
There are so many things running around my mind tonight that I've decided it would be pointless to give chase. Not to say that my mind hasn't come to rest on one thing in particular but as I'm as tired of stepping around it as I am of stepping right on it, it's enough to say I remember and leave it at that.
At the same time it's a true statement to say I really should be sleeping. It's a known fact that at this time of year my job more than makes up for any spare moment that I might think I have. Not that I have any. I live, sleep, eat and breathe work until the snow starts flying in earnest and it can't snow soon enough for me.
Here I am however taking up precious eye closing time to put a mouthful of miscellaneous on this page. I'm not really sure why other than the mood has taken me to write even as my brain has already taken leave.
That being said I've really nothing more to say... So it's me and the dogs and a date with my bed.
At the same time it's a true statement to say I really should be sleeping. It's a known fact that at this time of year my job more than makes up for any spare moment that I might think I have. Not that I have any. I live, sleep, eat and breathe work until the snow starts flying in earnest and it can't snow soon enough for me.
Here I am however taking up precious eye closing time to put a mouthful of miscellaneous on this page. I'm not really sure why other than the mood has taken me to write even as my brain has already taken leave.
That being said I've really nothing more to say... So it's me and the dogs and a date with my bed.
If You Lived Here...
Sometimes the only real thing you need is a hug.
On days when it's a challenge to keep your head above water, your mind on the task at hand and your mouth from saying more than a few things you both mean and don't mean, a hug can go along way...
Hugs are natural stress relievers.
On days when it's a challenge to keep your head above water, your mind on the task at hand and your mouth from saying more than a few things you both mean and don't mean, a hug can go along way...
Hugs are natural stress relievers.
Just a Long Day
It's been the kind of day where I wish I had it in me to just run far and run fast... To go until I run out of road and lose my way.
"Cover me up in a blanket of leaves, let the grass be my bed and my shelter this tree... I'll hibernate, let the months slip away... Let me sleep."
- Michelle Featherstone - Hibernate - Blue Bike album
I absolutely hate the feeling of being lost. And yet the truth is I am. Lost. And losing whatever strength I had left to fight. Some days it seems far easier to drop the sword and wave the white flag, to just admit defeat and say I'm done.
And as much as I've carried this all on my own for so many years... Holding up my world is only serving to push me down. And tonight it feels like the weight of my world is too much a burden to bear.
Fright Night Pre-Fright
So I Know without a shadow of a single doubt that God never intended for me to be a blonde... Ever.
In fact, I look like bad drag in a blonde wig.
In other words, me with blonde hair is something quite beyond scarey and should only be done as a last ditch effort to pull off a Halloween costume. That is if I have to nerve to go through an entire night wearing this hideous thing on my head. In public.
In fact, I look like bad drag in a blonde wig.
In other words, me with blonde hair is something quite beyond scarey and should only be done as a last ditch effort to pull off a Halloween costume. That is if I have to nerve to go through an entire night wearing this hideous thing on my head. In public.
A No Mouse House
There is a mouse in the house. I heard him screaming. In fact, it was his screaming that woke me up. I didn't know mice could scream but evidently when there is a cat trying to have them for a midnight snack, they've no problem becoming vocal.
Octavia had it cowering beneath the bathroom sink while I stood cringing near the door trying to figure out how to solve my latest home owning dilemma at an hour when cognitive thought is not my strong point. I grabbed a dustpan and a box in lieu of a broom that could not be found.
The plan?
Scoop the little rat bastard up and get him outside of the house. And it would have worked! Would have worked if the damn thing hadn't scurried below the bathroom shelves where I'm guessing must have been his original point of entry and that of his apparent escape.
With the cat standing guard in the bathroom, I'm hoping he won't be back for a second showing. At least not until I've had a chance to have some coffee...
Octavia had it cowering beneath the bathroom sink while I stood cringing near the door trying to figure out how to solve my latest home owning dilemma at an hour when cognitive thought is not my strong point. I grabbed a dustpan and a box in lieu of a broom that could not be found.
The plan?
Scoop the little rat bastard up and get him outside of the house. And it would have worked! Would have worked if the damn thing hadn't scurried below the bathroom shelves where I'm guessing must have been his original point of entry and that of his apparent escape.
With the cat standing guard in the bathroom, I'm hoping he won't be back for a second showing. At least not until I've had a chance to have some coffee...
On the Off Chance
There are things you know...
Things like no matter how early you go to bed, five minutes later your alarm is ringing to get you back up again. Or how when you're hungry for something that you can't quite name the thing you finally choose to have for dinner is never the thing you were hungry for. Or no matter how much it may seem like a reasonable request, your boss just won't go for bringing your dog(s) to work day.
Life is just unfair.
Things like no matter how early you go to bed, five minutes later your alarm is ringing to get you back up again. Or how when you're hungry for something that you can't quite name the thing you finally choose to have for dinner is never the thing you were hungry for. Or no matter how much it may seem like a reasonable request, your boss just won't go for bringing your dog(s) to work day.
Life is just unfair.
If You Lived Here...
If you lived here...
You would know. What it's like to grow up,
In a house that taught you.
Silence.
Taught you to be. What you needed to be. So as not to upset.
The apple cart.
If you lived here...
You would know. How many hours you would sit.
A wood stove. Burning hot at your back. Until you fell asleep.
Because you wouldn't.
Couldn't.
Eat your vegetables.
If you lived here...
You would be the cause. Of every voice raised.
In Anger.
Of every cross word said.
Across the table.
If you lived here...
You would remember plates.
Breaking.
And the picture that hangs. To cover the hole.
In the wall.
You would know. What it's like to grow up,
In a house that taught you.
Silence.
Taught you to be. What you needed to be. So as not to upset.
The apple cart.
If you lived here...
You would know. How many hours you would sit.
A wood stove. Burning hot at your back. Until you fell asleep.
Because you wouldn't.
Couldn't.
Eat your vegetables.
If you lived here...
You would be the cause. Of every voice raised.
In Anger.
Of every cross word said.
Across the table.
If you lived here...
You would remember plates.
Breaking.
And the picture that hangs. To cover the hole.
In the wall.
A Matter of Speaking
Sometimes it's perfectly okay to avoid people. It also happens to be a well known fact that people who annoy you should be avoided at all cost. And in my case, it's sometimes safer to be far away from those who annoy me than very nearby. Or at least able to hang up a phone quickly in order to hold my tongue. Let me explain...
You are an obnoxious asshole. The world would be a better place if you were castrated. The beauty of silence is only amplified when you're not speaking. Men like you make women like me want to become lesbians. Or join a nunnery. Or give up sex in general for the rest of our natural born lives.
I'm just saying...
You are an obnoxious asshole. The world would be a better place if you were castrated. The beauty of silence is only amplified when you're not speaking. Men like you make women like me want to become lesbians. Or join a nunnery. Or give up sex in general for the rest of our natural born lives.
I'm just saying...
