Opposing Forces

I am not the enemy. But I am ill equipped with the necessary armor to engage in battle. Rest assured your arrows have found their marks, and what feelings I thought I might have had, have fled in the light of your cold indifference.

Sedimentary anger knots me up inside, stealing my breath until I am doubled over with pain radiating out from my soul on fire. And in this silence, everything goes unsaid, even as I try to tiptoe around the truth of what I already know. That I cannot sustain this high level of hyper vigilance; a pent up prisoner in this shifting house. I cannot rock this boat should it tip over. I cannot rock this boat I no longer want to be on.

It is enough to measure the return of sadness without having to counter measure the weight of my fear. In the early hours of this morning, a man's shadow crossed the lawn, walking steadily towards my window, a purpose in his gait. I measured his steps with the breathlessness of my fear and stood immobile within my own darkness, helpless to move, rooted as I was to the floor. My mind - stumbled - prepared - swarmed with the adrenaline of flight or fight. But all I heard was the weakness of my, "How?" Forgotten was the baseball bat in the corner of my room, the phone beside my bed. Remembered was my inability to move.

I gave into my fears, even as his ride pulled up and drove him away and found myself cowering in my room, though he had never even crossed the road. This is what toxic energy has fueled. And as the discord grows, my insecurities reach full bloom, leaving me a walking touchstone to soak up your anger and irritation. The small hurts you direct my way as if to remind me that I am nothing. I have no place. That I have not come in from the cold. And I mustn’t forget that.

And in this I forget myself.