The Story of Stacey

Decisions are made everyday in the realm of realistic possibilities. But some decisions are made, not with practicality in mind, but rather with the intense longing of our hearts. Sometimes the things we choose are chosen just for their "What if" factor ...

"What if I did this and it could all work out?"

But what if's can also morph into shouldn't have dones. The things we realize later on that had we given it just a bit more thought, we would have known that the decision we made, wasn't the right decision at the time. And that's when the trouble begins. That persistent nagging voice that bleats like a lost lamb in the background, begging to know how it is we plan to fix whatever it is that we have done.

And the horrible truth is that once done, easy to fix isn't even easy to say. The real world doesn't stop to give you time to deal with a new dilemma. No matter the status of your heart, there will always be bills to pay, jobs to go to, and people who seem to trip you up more often than offer to lend a hand. Can it be any wonder that so many of us succumb when introduced to such sadness?

At first you don't even notice that you're laughing less or that something that you used to enjoy doing on a daily basis (blogging, for example) is something you haven't done in weeks. Or in months.

You can't sleep. You sleep too much. You cry. And you don't just cry some of the time. You cry all of the time. And you wonder while you're crying why it is you can't seem to figure out where the shut off valve is.

And everything seems hopeless, because it is hopeless. And you care so much that somewhere deep inside you, you just don't care at all.

Depression is the constant pulling down, the pulling in, the giving up, the letting go of everything. It is easing into pain, and foregoing all pleasure. It is living a life you were never meant to lead, and abandoning the future. And it is a choice.

A choice to go willingly into the blackness of despair. To sink to the bottom and make no attempts to swim for the top. To drown with the sorrow of knowing that things did not go as you planned, that life tossed you a few curve balls, that you were struck out before you even had a chance at bat.

It is allowing other people to make you feel that you are insignificant and small. That despite how hard you try to be your very best, you will never be good enough in their eyes. That you are unworthy of being loved. That you are nothing more than nothing. That you are the problem that makes everything too difficult to solve.

And when you feel that kind of pain, it's hard to pull yourself out and not keep taking it all back in. You forgot that true strength is not being able to withstand the break, but being able to live through the bending.

And this is what I know. I know that things aren't going to get any easier over night. I know that right now, I have to be open for change and new possibilities and willing to let go of the odds and ends that don't fit into my story line. Because this is my life, and only I can be its author ...