When Is Enough, Enough?

There are some things you need to figure out for yourself. Like how you feel about someone, or how you feel you're treating them and whether or not fairness even comes into play. But you and I both know that not everyone does that. Not everyone takes responsibility for themselves and their actions because they simply don't care or don't know what to do with that information when they have it. And so they become immobile; unable to do anything.

If I were made of much stronger stuff than which I am, I'd be able to tell him not to call me anymore, I'd cut off this last line of connection that we have. I'd be able to tell him plain and straight that it hurts too much to simply have these two minutes conversations that have nothing to do with us other than where we work. He could ask for someone else but he doesn't. And in truth, I don't want him to when the crumbs of these conversations fill my heart just as fast as they break it.

But I'm tired of trying to figure out what it is he's thinking or what kind of man he is. Because the way I see it, he's either the kind who sets out to get what he wants just to get it to leave it behind, or he's – for lack of any word that might be a better fit – scared of what he feels. That is, if he feels anything for me at all.

And I wish I could say that he did feel something. He said to me once that I had a little piece of his heart – I had it! - and that eventually I might have it all. That's not verbatim to what he said, but it's close and I remember most – if not all - of our conversations this way. Little snippets…

"Are you going to talk me to sleep again? If so how about some cookies and warm milk? That's not too much to ask for is it? See, I'm keeping my wishes reasonable as asked.(for now)"

"I'm not the scared little bitch you think I am but I am scared. But I'm not what you think I am right now."

Him: "Is this how you thought this conversation was going to end?"

Me: "No… I thought I was going to have to say good-bye."

"You hate me… Understood. You said we could still talk. Give me a call sometime."

"You don't like me anymore do you?"

And I have answers even when I don't answer him. His last question – just a few hours ago – "You don't like me anymore do you?" I evaded an actual answer. I didn't say no, I didn't say yes… It was just one big pause before I said I didn't have an opinion. But you know me well enough to know that I always have an opinion, I was born with opinions… I should have just told the truth. Like doesn't even cover how I feel. Love on the other hand, that just might be skimming the surface. And now, I'm back to wanting to cry, for missing him so much than now even my dreams betray me in my sleep…

But I'm stubborn. Stubborn enough to believe that it's not my job to chase him. It's not my responsibility to make him own up to what he feels. It's not my job to ask him why or why not or ask him to consider the possibilities. I've written that letter. I've had conversations with him after that letter. He can't doubt my heart in the slightest. He can't say he doesn't understand how I feel about him or where I would like us to be ten years from now. He knows all of this. He knows I want a life with him in it. The only thing he doesn't know is how long I'll wait for him to figure all this out… And that may be the only answer that I don't truly know… Though I know I won't be able to wait on him forever...