Calls & Conversations (Heard & Unheard)

Proving to herself that she's ceased to care backfires the moment she hears his voice coming crystal clear across the phone. She keeps it professional, keeps the conversation to the job, keeps the bad thoughts she's thinking about their history to herself, stops herself from becoming that girl all over again.

You know that girl; that girl who just didn't want to get it; the one who wanted to believe in love conquering all, against any and every odd. Glass half full and not empty girl, the one who played the cards in a deck stacked against her because she believed she had a chance. The stupid girl who thought she knew him much better than she did, and thought that he – HE! - Of all people! - wouldn't play her like that. She believed the best of him. She never considered he might treat her like some fly by night fuck and run, and in the morning there'd be no question of respect or having lost it. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that to her.

She was that girl; that girl who cared about him in every possible way. The one who thought he hung the moon. That same girl who heard his voice and felt like she'd finally found out who the right person was all along, and judged him not by a past he couldn't alter but by the man she knew him to be. She saw him, saw past what others said was good reason to walk away, saw beyond the smoke and mirrors of his own defense and fell in love with him imperfections and all. She believed him to be a man worthy of coming home to.

And she was the girl who would have met him halfway in everything he did or would want to do. She would have hung the stars in his sky. That's how she felt, though she doesn't know now how she feels, she should hate him – he's even said so himself - because he way that boy. That boy who made that girl feel like an absolute slut, like she had something to be ashamed of, because they shared one night together. One blissfully glorious night when everything that could be was, and the heavens reached down to touch the earth and the world consisted of just two people. Him and her.

Now that girl can't think about that night without wishing that it did and didn't happen. Recalling it now as an act of shame. Shame because she had believed and shame for allowing herself to be disillusioned. She wonders how he feels. She wonders if he feels the same…

She didn't want to be that girl. Didn't want to be the fool. Didn't want to be counted among the ones who didn't matter. Because she wanted to matter – just to one person – and she wanted most to matter to him.

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