Wah Wah Wah

Accidental words after months spent avoiding you and here I am crying myself to sleep tonight.  Every time I think I've got my heart under control she goes and proves me wrong. Stupid heart.  Stupid love.

Almost Completely Random

Random things I'm thinking so I have something to post about...

I love fall.  It's by far my most favorite season.

The Stacey's Mom song is playing right now on a TV commercial.  I was over this song the very first time I heard it.

I am drinking a hot cup of Green Tea.  I am out of milk.

Today I punched in to work at 7:45 this morning.  I did not punch out from work until 9:26 this evening.  I am really getting to the point of hating my job and upper management who doesn't seem to think that I should have a personal life from August to November.

I do not get paid overtime.  Instead I fall into a category called salary flux.  This means that the more hours I work over my forty, the less I actually make per hour for anything above and beyond.  I like to call it getting screwed without so much as a thank you...

I am not a fan of tennis.  (This thought brought by the local sports section of the nightly news.)

Considering what time I have to be up and out the door tomorrow morning I should be in bed.  Problem is my sleep schedule is so out of whack, I'm not the least bit tired.

I will be absolutely exhausted when my alarm goes off at 5:30 tomorrow morning.

I'm just realizing that it may not have been the best idea to have a cup of tea now.

I have another bag of garbage that I could take out to the curb tonight but I'm too lazy to do it now and willing to use the fact that I'm afraid of the dark as an excuse to leave it until Thursday.

Supposedly gas prices are going to start dropping...  I'll wait until I actually see this before I'll believe this.

I've been awfully whiny, weepy, and really not a person even I would want to be around lately.  I need to figure out how to fix this soon.

I bought two new coffee mugs.  They are a very pretty light blue color.  I need to go buy two more before there aren't any more to be found at Target.

I missed the season premier of Big Bang Theory...  I am sort of pissed about that but thankful I have prime time on demand...

I am nursing this cup of tea.

I think I might be starting to get maybe a little bit tired.

The fact that I just yawned probably supports that theory.

I saw a funny thing on Pinterest... I am going to add this to my photo collection that I have on my scrolling picture frame at work.

I may have to just make one for each day of the week.

On that note I've now met my requirement for writing today so I can go to bed now that my homework is done.

Tell you what... If you happen to find yourself reading this why don't you use the comment section to just say hi...

I am not beyond begging...

No really.

I'm not.

Not so much a writer...

I"m having guilty feelings over not having been here to write.  Truth is sometimes I just don't feel as if I have anything worthwhile to say.  I can't imagine that anyone really wants to read what I have to say right now. My mind is just too full of sad thoughts and sad things.

I'm just lost in the darkness looking to find some light to lead me home.

So, so...

I'm seriously over not being able to sleep...  I've lost track of how many weeks it's been since I've slept a night through.  But I am so, so tired.  And I am so, so awake.

Rainy Day Woes

How many times do I need to tell myself that my worth isn't based on someone else's opinion of me?  Their approval?  Their rejection?

How many times do I need to try to convince myself that someone's exit from my life isn't my fault, isn't always for me to take the blame, isn't because I'm someone who can't be loved?

No matter how I look at it, I'm the common denominator and I can't figure it out what it is that I must be doing wrong that things seem to start so good only to crash, burn and disappear in the flames.

How do I trust when I'm all out of faith?  

How do I ask for help when I've carried my own world for far too long?  I don't know how to need people when I'm so used to being needed.

How do I let myself love when my heart has died too many times to be revived?

I wish someone would tell me what it is about me that makes the men I've loved go away... Because I'm still here.

A Whole Lot of Not So Much

Tired, cranky and in need of a coffee fix is not the ideal way to start my morning but it's the way my morning has begun.  Or restarted I should say as my morning really started at five thirty when my nephew was dumped quite literally on me (I was sleeping on the couch downstairs) and instead of choosing the sleep and snuggle option went with the crawl all over and kick Aunt Stacey one.  My bruises have bruises and I'm making a new rule that E's shoes need to be removed prior to him being placed anywhere near me.  That boy knows just where to kick for maximum pain.

So I'm working on the coffee which really means that I'm too lazy to go make a cup even though the kitchen is literally one freaking step away.  I don't have it in me...  And to be quite honest Keurig brewed coffee just isn't as good as one from Dunkin Doughnuts... All hot, steamy and ready.  Of course I'd actually have to shower and get dressed to go that route and if the kitchen is too far away, Dunkin Doughnuts is on the other side of the hemisphere.

Maybe I need a word of the day like they have on Sesame Street...

Today's word is MOTIVATE.

New Directions

So my daughter has been hand delivered to college and I am just beginning to learn what it's like to live on my own all by my lonesome.  And it's odd not having to wake Kate up for school or run her here, there or everywhere or worry about whether I've remembered to give her lunch money or not.  (Usually the or not as I suck when it comes to having cash on hand.)

People are already asking, "Are you doing okay?  How's it going?"  My answer... "It's easy.  At least right now."  But considering I'm only about a week in I didn't really expect to be out of sorts just yet.  Give me another three weeks when this becomes the routine and then ask me and I'm sure my answer is going to be quite different.

But as I always do when faced with a change or something new, I've decided that there are certain things I'm going to need to do to make my empty nest not seem so empty.  Thankfully (but not really) we are at the time of year in my job when I work stupid hours, ranging anywhere from 50 to 80 hours a week for the next two to three months.  Trust me when I tell you when you work around the clock you have very little time to dwell on anything other than trying to get the work done so you can just go home and go to bed.  This year is proving to be no different...

Beyond work I'm always trying to make improvements in my personal life although I often begin with good intentions and then find myself hung up the small stuff.  But I have to take advantage of the fact that this is the first time in more years than I can count that I can actually focus on me and do some much needed tweaking. 

Health wise I've started the journey to putting myself back on track.  I've been to the doctor's office more this year than I have in my entire life.  I almost feel like Norm on Cheers...  But I've done the mandatory blood work, had the routine physical, scheduled my (first ever) mammogram, saw another doctor about some other things I need to make some decisions on and on a whole feel like I'm starting to take this aging thing a little more seriously than I ever have.  It turns out that turning forty this year may also be a wake up call that I'm no longer in my twenties.

So enough about that... Although you can bet your ass that you'l be hearing all about it when my ass gets back to the gym on a daily basis.  My inner athlete has decided she wants to make a come back and I can't tell you how excited I am to have to go through the blisters, shin splints and general oh my God why do I do this to myself pain all over again.  That however is what I get for falling off the wagon and losing as I always manage to do my inner balance.

Next on my to do list is to start writing... Every gosh darn day.  I fell off that wagon in 2006 and haven't managed to truly get back on it since.  Completely inexcusable considering that a writer who doesn't write won't ever publish a book if it's not actually written.  And seriously, who would have thunk it?  And yes, I did say thunk because I like the sound of it better than think and it's my blog so...

The question remains what do I write?  Well for starters just silly little blogs of random thoughts, the good, the bad and the ugly.  Whatever words that find themselves here should just be happy that I'm actually putting them back up for public consumption.  

That being said I could be quite wordy today but as I look the house there are probably a few things that are a little more important to do than write... At least right at this second.

Always In Our Hearts... Ashton

Two years ago yesterday my family lost a very special little boy.  Ashton had just barely passed the milestone of becoming eight and on a day where the sun was shining and any other little boy in town might have been outside playing beneath it, our little boy took his final breaths and let go.

Ashton's death rocked my world.  In many ways when I lost him, it felt as if I were losing what could have been my son.  Which is not to put myself in the place of his mother - I was and will always be Aunt Stacey - but I loved him in the same way a mother loves her own child all the way deep down to my soul.

When I think of Ashton, I can't help but smile.  He was just the biggest ball of love you could ever hope to find.  He taught me lessons he didn't even know he was teaching.  And it's because of him that I will always value every moment no matter if it's good or bad.  And I will be happy for each day even if every day doesn't have a happy ending.  He taught me how important it is to love with everything you are and all that you have no matter the outcome.  And he proved to me that sometimes it's okay to just relax sit back smile and simply be silly.

I wouldn't trade a single moment we had unless it was for a thousand more of those same moments.

I miss you Ashton. 

Pity Party for One

I wish I could just disappear.  Go hide out in some cabin on a mountain with just my dogs and a few good books to keep me company.  I'd spend my mornings sipping hot black coffee from an old red mug on a porch that only had one chair, watching the mist fade away like an old gray ghost as the sun slowly took over the Adirondack sky. 

I'd be content to be alone there.  Mountains after all were made to be lonely.

And as the morning progressed to afternoon, I'd find my old pair of hiking boots and leash the dogs for our mid-day walk.  We'd walk up the old mountain road in the direction of nowhere special and notice little things like wild mushrooms and green patches of moss, while the birds carried on their own conversations overhead.  We'd breathe in the smell of the forest and twirl around in wonder at how such a perfectly imperfect place could make us feel so whole.  With only happy thoughts we'd begin our trek back home to our small rustic cabin with a porch that only has one chair and only room enough for one woman with two small dogs to stay comfortably there.

The rest of the afternoon would drift lazily by and I'd feed the fire and feed the dogs and make my own dinner to the soft sounds of the camp radio playing soothing songs of simple verse and quiet refrains.  It would be dinner for one by candlelight as the moon climbed high and bright in a star filled sky.  Safe and warm, a cozy fire, a soft chair for reading and the dog eared yellow pages of a well read book I'd lose myself for a few hours before closing my eyes and crawling beneath the mounds of blankets that cover my big soft bed. 

And how I would sleep... Soundlessly dreamless with no thoughts of waking until the next morn.

The good thing about a mountain is that a mountain is enough for a single soul.  It puts to right all the things that have gone wrong.  It doesn't make promises it never intends to keep.  It doesn't offer lies in place of truth.  It doesn't say it loves you to make you stay or tells you it doesn't to make you go.  It's just a mountain.  Just a place that says welcome home.

Okay Now

Beneath the stars of a cool Adirondack night in the last place you and I were supposed to be together I finally decided to let you go...

I know now that the time is right.

My heart is ready to move on from being broken.  Forgiving as she forgets.  And this is what I knew I needed to do.

I really do wish you well.  And in many ways I will always hold a piece of love for you in my heart.  But I've let love go... And like the memories I have of the time we had together it will fade as each day goes by.

So I'm okay... I'm really okay.

And maybe no... I'm not ready to start up with anyone new.  But I know I don't have to race to replace the space you've left.  Things that are meant to be will always happen in their own time.

Maybe a Broadway show with a man named Scott.  Maybe dinner some night with Kyle.  Maybe just me alone until I figure out what it is I really want...

Either way it's okay now.  

Changing

Change is coming.  I feel it every morning when I wake.  Sitting here looking out the window while the cardinal surveys the world from his perch in the old pine tree.  Change is coming with every morning that rushes by, with every lazy afternoon that blisters in the summer sun.  But unlike before I will not hide from change.    I am change.  And I am in motion...

An Open Letter to My Last Lover

I've been thinking a lot about us lately. 

And I think I finally admitted to myself that there never really was an us.  There was you and there was me and there were moments when I thought maybe. 

I wanted so desperately to be wanted.  Needed.  Loved.

I wanted with all my heart to believe you when you said you loved me.  I wanted even more to believe myself when I said I loved you too. 

But if I loved you, you would know everything there is to know about me.  But you never looked to see below the surface, content instead to skim the top.  And all the secrets I have stayed silent.  And all the words I could have said chose to say nothing at all.

But oh my foolish heart.  She wanted to be yours.  She would have slayed dragons for you, fouht against any injustice, stayed by your side through think and thin.  She would have been your warrior.  Your best friend.  Yours for all time... If you had really wanted her.

My heart cried for days until my head told her to just hang on.  We've been here before we said to ourself.  We may bend but we never break.  He will not be the last man you love.  And what you felt only felt a little bit like love.  A little bit with a whole lot missing.  He never even knew your favorite color was brown.  Or that sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night screaming for your Mother.  Or that there are some hurts so deep he'd never be able to unbury them all.

The truth is he was in his own orbit.  And you were a star circling his sun. 

You loved who you thought he was.  You loved who you thought he might be. You loved the idea of what you could be together.  You loved a dream that fell asleep too fast and woke up too soon.

So now you're left with only silence.  You don't know how to go back to just being a friend and you know you can't move forward with someone who didn't tell you the entire truth.  And so you mourn both a failed relationship and a friendship that was worth even more than the short few months you thought you might be something more.

And so you do the only thing you can... You move on. 

And you forget all the little things he said.  And you forget how you used to smile just to hear his voice or the sound of his stupid ice machine.  And you avoid even thinking about any memory that holds a piece of him.  You can't survive an avalanche if you insist on standing beneath it.  And this time you're saving yourself from a heartache you just can't let take control.

So you push back and you reach out and you grab an opportunity to grow.  And when the new voice says hi you say an even steadier hello.  And the conversation begins just with a new name, a new face and a new we'll have to wait and see.  It doesn't have to be love but that's not to say it won't bloom and grow...

I admit it.

I can get absolutely bottom of the pit down in the dumps melacholy blue from time to time.  It's a feeling I know well in a been there, done that one too many times kind of way.  And so I do the only thing I know how to do.  Pull in, pull back, buckle down, take a deep breath and fight my way through until I can see some sign of daylight through the darkness.

But I've got a gift for climbing mountains and a heart that never gives up even when it breaks.

I am enough if not for anyone else than at least always for me.

Excessive Thinking Damages the Soul

It's only when I'm thinking that things begin to go wrong. 

So I've tried to stop.  Stop thinking.  Because I can't figure out any other way to go about my day without just wanting to break down and cry.  And I don't have time to break.  And I honestly know that given enough time my heart will heal on its own regardless of how much it doesn't feel that way right now.

Truth is I miss talking to him.  I miss his good morning darling calls and his fall asleep on the phone goodbyes.  I miss the man I called a freind for years and the lover I knew for a short five months.

The common sense side of me tries to understand.  Seeing things from his line of vision.  The stress of ending an almost 20 year marriage.  The stress of raising two boys on his own.  The stress of dealing with bat shit crazy behavior and a divorce that couldn't and as far as I know still hasn't happened soon enough.  All of that and so much more weighs heavy on a heart and mind.

So maybe we just had poor timing.

And yet...  I have this awful sense of loss. 

Because I loved him.

And it seems even though he claimed he loved me too, he never really did at all.

I don't know how to write anymore.  I haven't done in it so long that I have to stop and collect my thoughts just to get anything down.  I guess that's what comes of living in an emotional coma for the past two years. I turned it all off.  The good, the bad and all the in between.

So where do we start?  With truth?  Or fiction?

Or do we just say hello and stop with an early goodbye to see what tomorrow may bring?

Will it bring me here?  Or will I wind up back in hiding with a thousand and one voices urging me with things to say only to be silenced when I'm too tired to entertain my muse or deal with all those thoughts running through my head?

And I have so many thoughts...

Of where I am and where I'm going.  Of who I am and who I want to be.  Of old hurts and new hurts I've picked up along my way.  Of things I've always said and all the things that I've been meaning to say.

How I found my faith and lost my faith.

How I found love and watched it leave.

And how I begin again to piece myself together until I'm as well mended as a broken person can be...

Thoughts on KC's Senior Year Drawing to a Close

Around me everything is changing.

And I stand here frozen in place waiting for the world to stop.

To let me have this moment where I can pretend that this year is going to be like every other year...

I'm not ready to let you go even though you are so ready to fly.