Following the Road ...

It's been a few days again in-between posting and I'm afraid that this is now the norm on how life goes on here at NWTLO. I'm not sad about this though because it means I am taking the right steps to getting back on track with actually having a life and so, I'm okay with letting my writing life slide back a bit into every so often rather than each and every day.

One of the best things on my agenda is that I'm taking a few days off from work this week to spend time with my Mom who is coming up from North Carolina. I am beyond excited about this as talking to her on the phone is just not the same as being able to spend time with each other in the same room, talking and laughing over every little thing.

I also went out after work Friday night with some of the guys and had a most excellent time. Granted it was short, but it was nice not to be going straight home. Although next time I listen to "Jake" and follow him on a supposed short cut to our destination, I'm going to seriously consider how not short his last short cut turned out to be. The minute I decided to follow him, I just knew I'd made a colossal mistake ... No offense there Jake darling, but you know all of this is true.

Anyhoo, I wrote a very interesting email last night to someone I don't really know but might like to, and I thought I'd share it here since it's been a long time since I've posted anything that might actually be considered funny, or at the least minimally entertaining ...

Dear Mr 80%,

I would have gotten back to you sooner, but I was carried away by a nomadic group of conga line dancers and well, there was no stopping them once they got started ... Actually that's no where near the truth - they weren't actually nomadic. It was however an interesting way to start off an email when simply saying, "Hi. My name is Stacey," was a bit too run of the mill for me ...

So if you're still with me, and not running around your house making sure there's no chance that the rhythm is going to get you, I'll tell you just a bit about myself.

Like you, I put a high value on my friends and family. And considering how long I've known them, it's also a testament to how well I deal with dysfunction. Lord love them, but my family seems to think that any and all gatherings are open mike night at some comedy club, and with three other siblings, my Dad takes full advantage of having a captive audience. Luckily he hasn't yet gotten around to making us pay a cover charge at the door ...

While I do like to go out on the town, I'm more homebody than not. To me, the best way to spend an evening would be deep in conversation, or simply sitting next to each other enjoying a movie, or mocking it beyond all recognition.

I like to have fun. And I like to be around other people who enjoy spending their time laughing, talking, and simply being in the moment. Life shouldn't be treated as one big stress test, when it's true value is finding the things that make you happy, making this world we all share a much better place to call home.

A few other quick facts before I turn this email into a short novel - give or take a few hundred pages - I am a single Mom of one child (10), and work full time professionally. And like you, I agree that any relationship needs to start off with the basic foundation of friendship in order to build and grow. I appreciate a good sense of humor but also know when to turn it off and let my serious side take over. I'm the kind of woman who once committed to something or someone, believes in the value of a true team effort.

I would definitely like to hear more about your wild side or whatever else you'd like to share.

Hope to hear from you.

Stacey

Backlash of a Verbal Assault

We're back to living with the petulant child. Rules being do as I say but not as I do. Nagging little threats to make sure we tow the line. Expectations that often exceed reality as well as integrity. How easy was it to say in the beginning that we would agree on how to disagree and then veer completely off that path. How easy was it to say everything I wanted to hear while knowing the value of follow through would never honestly follow through. This is all water under the bridge now. Been there, done that, except here we are still running around ourselves in circles, chasing our tails the way some people chase demons away.

There's got to be a way to stop. There's got to be a solution somewhere in my head to cash in my chips and quit this game. You have opened my eyes and for the first time I see clearly the things I don't want are the things I don't need. And I can live without you. For a day. A month. A year. A lifetime. There will be nothing that I will miss. A nothing so pure that the thought of you will never invade my mind once I am gone. And there will be no return to this season we have shared, allocated to the darkest winter of my mind.

I have no pity. No feeling that I should share to make this seem less harsh than what it is. You killed off that last little piece of innocence in me. The part of me that could have seen your side and felt sorry for your shame. But you have made your bed with the consciousness of your decisions, and the deceptiveness of your actions and the petulance that seems to invade all aspects of your character.

I can do no more than bide my time. The end draws near of its own accord.

Taking It Down in My Little Black Book

Praise the Lord people ... This girl has finally had her light bulb, earth shaking, oh my God I can't believe it took me so long to catch on moment! And damn, if it wasn't just in the nick of time. I'm talking the bottom of the ninth with bases loaded and one out left at bat ...

It seems to me that what I haven't been doing these past few months - okay, let's be honest - these past ten years is taking charge of my own future. I've been cheating my own destiny by being too uninvolved in my own life. And I've been content to sit back and take what comes to me without ever really being proactive about getting out there and getting what I want.

But no more ... I'm about to take charge in a big, bad way and I'm about to take names ... Names, numbers, you name it. I'm taking it all down, and getting myself a little black book to call my own. And that's not just Dr. Phil talking ...

A Million and One ...

The Untrustworthy Speaker


Don't listen to me; my heart's been broken.
I don't see anything objectively.

I know myself; I've learned to hear like a psychiatrist.
When I speak passionately,
That's when I'm least to be trusted.

It's very sad, really: all my life I've been praised
For my intelligence, my powers of language, of insight-
In the end they're wasted-

I never see myself.
Standing on the front steps. Holding my sisters hand.
That's why I can't account
For the bruises on her arm where the sleeve ends . . .

In my own mind, I'm invisible: that's why I'm dangerous.
People like me, who seem selfless.
We're the cripples, the liars:
We're the ones who should be factored out
In the interest of truth.

When I'm quiet, that's when the truth emerges.
A clear sky, the clouds like white fibers.
Underneath, a little gray house. The azaleas
Red and bright pink.

If you want the truth, you have to close yourself
To the older sister, block her out:
When a living thing is hurt like that
In its deepest workings,
All function is altered.

That's why I'm not to be trusted.
Because a wound to the heart
Is also a wound to the mind.

Louise Gluck

I'm sure a million other people have blogged this very same poem for various reasons of their own. Truth - even that which is seen with the borrowed words of another - still retains its authenticity among kindred spirits. In some ways, we are all the walking wounded, carrying around old hurts and broken dreams. And haven't I too felt the weight of my own invisibility, the words that course through me like molten lava at my core and listened to the sound of my own voice betray me as if it were not mine to own.

And me, I have been much like a tightly wound cord, wrapping myself and all my hurts in a binding so tight that I gloried in my control. But these past few months I've been unraveling - years and years of hurt I always knew I had but wasn't ready to admit to or deal with.

Perhaps it is an explanation as to why the winter seemed eternal here, as if the cold had somehow seeped into my bones, and frozen me in place to shiver with its contempt. I thought to myself that this was what dying must feel like, the absence of everything. And for a short time, there were moments when I felt like giving up and letting go just to be done with the pain. But those thoughts - even as they crossed my mind - were quickly discarded. I have walked away from many things, but God spared me from having to walk away from myself.

Even now as the first Spring flowers show their faces above the ground, I am rebuilding my foundation, digging deep into the core of who I am and what I want. There are some things that I will not accept less than what I should be offered. And for these things, I am non-negotiable. And even if I am the only one who values me, I am still worth every choice I make to solidify my future.

I will find the light. I will feel it on my face. And I will go on ...

Talking Outside Ourselves

As human beings we are quite complex. Who we are and what we become is a process learned from the very moment we take our first breath of air. Memories from childhood are time stamped on our hearts and minds, and sometimes without even knowing the reactions they illicit from us as adults, the reasons for why we feel the way we do don't always seem that clear.

Sometimes it takes talking to an outsider. A third person. Someone who knows you not by whose daughter you are, of whose mother you are, or whose sister you are, but by the pictures you paint and the stories you choose to share. And you can tell them anything. Say whatever you want and you know that whatever you say won't leave the room you've told it in.

It is a trust. A trust to tell your most secret thoughts, or cry your most secret fears and know that your words are protected and safe. And it is a Godsend to let the things you've been holding onto go. Or feel confident enough to believe in yourself again and trust once more that the choices you make are solid and won't turn to quicksand beneath your feet.

It takes learning about yourself from the inside out to understand how your life has been shaped. And it is this same learning that allows you room to grow, and the ability to change.

I have learned many things these past few months.

Some demons need to be chased down, and looked at dead center before they'll abandon their post beneath your bed. Some fears need to be faced before they can fade away into the oblivion they belong in. Some beliefs need to be challenged in a way that the truth of what is will never be confused with the truth of what was. And sometimes it's okay to be the one who needs a hand to hold, and a shoulder to cry on. Because true strength is as strong as your greatest weakness. And true weakness is not asking for help when it's the one thing that you need.

Life as enjoyable as it can be, often has its rough patches, places and times when nothing seems to come very easy at all. But if you make it through that cold and lonely winter to the thaw, the Spring brings blooms as bountiful as they are bold.

Better Days

Silence is not overrated. Ask any busy Mom that and she'll tell you that there are moments at the end of her day, when she craves nothing more than the sound of nothing itself. When all she'd really like to do, is come home, throw her keys and her purse on the table and slouch down in an easy chair, while giving absolutely no thought to dinner or whether or not there's homework to be checked on, laundry in need of folding, or dishes needing to be done.

Sometimes I leave the dishes in the sink to sit overnight, or wait until the weekends before I'm really desperate for a load of whites, or opt to eat out rather than go through the trouble of eating in. In moments like these, I act as if I'm a one woman revolution, drawing my line in the sand and daring someone - anyone really - to cross it.

I'm done with trying to be perfect or attempting to maintain a persona of someone who has got it altogether. Sometimes I crave a little bit of chaos to keep me on my toes like two weeks worth of dust on a dresser. Living isn't about how clean my house is, or whether or not I've had the oil checked in my car every 3000 miles. Living is about laughing out loud, long and as often as you like for the sheer pleasure that it brings.

So get out there, do some living. Forget about the things you think need to be done, and do the things you've been wanting and waiting to do ... I promise you, you'll feel better about a lot of things in the morning, and if not, you've just got to keep pushing ahead until you make yourself a better day.

Sweet Sunday

I am posting from my local library and don't I just feel as if I am the thing. Somehow typing in a room full or people, feels more like a secret spy mission, as I'm constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure that no one is attempting to read what I'm writing, and then wondering if they would be bored to tears is they were. This I suppose is neither here nor there.

Brenda and I took all the kids (along with a friend of KC's) to the movies earlier this afternoon to see Ice Age 2 ... It was an interesting enough movie, and I have to admit, I did shed a tear (or two) at the end. Not that it necessitated tears, but hey, I know what I'm good at.

Meanwhile - back at the library at which I am currently sitting - I have two books to tide me over for the week and a CD of piano solos by Samuel Barber. This whole library kick I'm on just may put Barnes and Nobles out of business. I love free books!

Anyhoo, time for me to get moving along as I'm sure the kids are getting bored over in the kid section and honestly, they're not to be trusted alone for too long.

Helloooooooooooo ...

In respect to my own self interest, the hoochie koochie post is on hold until further notice, or at least until I know someone other than my Mother and my best friend are reading this blog again ...

Sad, isn't it? You go away for a little while and suddenly realize you've been abandoned. Not that I can blame any of you who went away. A blog without its writer is a pointless read indeed.

But that I suppose is the awful and honest truth. Life has its own agenda, and sometimes it goes in a different direction than we would have it go.

Anyhoo, my daughter is waiting on me to turn off this contraption and get to the business of movie watching. So I must be off ... Life for me is more often than not beyond this world with a limitless amount of windows.

Calling It a Day

Now I know you all want to know just how my appointment went today at the doctor's, but I promise, that's one story you want me to share when I have more time to do it justice.

But for now, my head is pounding with a furious headache, and since I am quite alone, I am going to go put on a pair of comfy pajamas, slip under the covers of my wonderful, warm bed and call it a night.

Until sooner ...

On With the Scooching

Tomorrow is the dreaded Doctor appointment and I need to go to bed in the next few minutes so as to mentally prepare for it all. I can't believe that Bren and I made these appointments all the way back in January and now here we are, a mere hours away from having to scooch down ... And I don't really want to scooch down! Not today. Not tomorrow. And certainly not a week from next Friday.

Thankfully however, we've got ourselves some motivation. Knowing just how dreaded these appointments were going to be, we decided to take a full blown vacation day and live it up large, with plans to meet our friend Robin for lunch, followed by a mad spending spree. Okay maybe not so mad, and not such a spree, but a little shopping can help soothe any flustered soul, or at least soothe our egos ...

Creatively Writing

A friend asked me to write him a story today, and it's been so long since I've really put my mind around anything, that it took me a minute to come up with the right thing to write about. But write I did, and 2000 wonderful words later, I felt blessed to remember how it felt to write without any care or consideration for anyone other than myself and the story that wanted to be told.

Welcome back muse, you've been gone far too long ...

Inside I'm Butterflies

I'm sitting here with a strange little smile on my face. The kind of smile that has trouble written all over it. I can't explain the why just yet. And in fact, the why is rather irrelevent when it's the feeling that matters most.

I've got butterflies in my stomach and I feel like flying away ...

Be Blessed

It never fails to amaze me how it is my Mom can come through in a pinch. Sometimes it's just a few short sentences in an email, a card she sends snail mail, advice she gives me over the phone, or a song she knows will strengthen my resolve and encourage me through moments of difficulty.

If I could figure out a way to clip the song she sent me last night to this post, I would, but as far as my computer knowledge goes, I'm still in the learning to turn it on stage ...

So even though you won't be able to hear the music, an R & B Gospel sound, the words alone can speak for themselves.

Be Blessed - Yolanda Adams

Verse1:
Too many storms have passed your way
And you’re all washed out cause it rained on your parade
Seems nobody cares about you anyway
Now you’re living your life like a castaway
Searched for strength inside was it all in vain
Cause the deeper you dig you find more and more pain
Don’t let your tomorrow be like yesterday
Cause I spoke to God, I called out your name
And on your behalf, I just asked if He would be there for you
I want you to

Chorus:
Be Blessed, Don’t live life in distress (Be Blessed)
Just let go, let God, He’ll work it out for you (Don't stress out)
I pray that your soul will be blessed
Forever in his rest, Cause you deserve his best no less

Verse2:
Enter a place where you never have to cry
Never have to live a lie, never have to wonder why
Never want for nothing you’re always satisfied
In the peace that his arms will provide
He will erase any guilt or shame, any bad habits you’ve got
You won’t wanna do em again, Yes we all can change, I can testify
See I spoke to God, I called out your name
And on your behalf, I just asked, If he would be there for you
I want you to

Repeat Chorus

My prayer for you today, Is that you trust and always obey
On this day keep calling
On this day keep calling
He’ll keep you from falling
He’ll keep you from falling
He’ll supply the answers
Yes He will, if you stand in faith and trust Him to make a way out of no way

Repeat Chorus

Be blessed from the bottom of your feet to the crown of your head
Your life be blessed
Your family be blessed
Your finances be blessed
Everything about you
Give it to Jesus, give it to Jesus,
Let go, let go, let go and let God do the work in you
Be blessed

Whatever your'e going through, just know I'm praying for you
Be Blessed

He can change your situation in a minute
Just be blessed

Don't do anything that God would not have you to do
Be blessed

I know it ain't what you want right now but it sure could be a lot worse
Just Be Blessed

Let him do his work in you
Be blessed

The Queen of All Fools

Relief is saying what you know to be true out loud. This - whatever it was - didn't work. Not for me. Not for him. Not for anyone. I lived for months trying to be someone and something I wasn't. Trying to please and failing at every turn. Giving more and getting less, killing my joy with each bitter disappointment.

I was a woman in love with the idea of being in love. I couldn't say no to the opportunity he offered. And I knew even as I made my decision to leave my home last October, and the only life I've known for the past ten years, that to do so would be a horrible mistake. One I've regretted from the very moment I made it.

Inside my head I tried to rationalize my decision, telling myself that life is about taking chances and exposing myself to new experiences. But what I really think, is that I was so scared of trying to continue on alone that I told myself what I wanted to hear. But life is also about listening to that little voice inside your head that never lies or tries to steer you in the wrong direction. Only fools ignore their own voice of warning. And I cannot be gentle with myself and say that I haven't acted the fool.

And I'm so scared to death over what needs to happen now. The prospect of leaving this house, the house that could have been my home had there been love to fill its rooms rather than the cold indifference that flourished here. And it's no wonder that I feel sick to my stomach, and my head feels as if it's caving in. I had so much riding on hope. But hope isn't enough to make a relationship work when one person wants more than the other is willing to give. I wanted more and I'm not ashamed to say it. I wanted love. Perhaps I wanted the one thing he was incapable of.

And I think that maybe he doesn't know how to love. (And maybe just by saying this, it somehow makes it easier for me to explain why he didn't want me.) Just as he doesn't know how to listen. I think of everything I've said tonight and know that there are words I'm sure he didn't hear. But what good are words to me when they don't make a difference anyway? Words will not change what needs to happen next. Words will not make him suddenly realize that losing me - this time - is a permanent situation that won't be undone. His second chance has been and gone and I have no more left to give.

But the most painful part of this mess for me is knowing that I've caused my daughter unnecessary heartache of her own. I know it hasn't been easy for her to see her Mother turn into an emotional car wreck on two feet and that despite my attempts to shield her from my tears, she saw them all the same. And for this she worried. And spent those night worrying, tossing and turning in her own bed until it got too much for her and she with blanket in hand came stealing into mine.

Heartbreak is when your ten year old daughter climbs into bed with you at two in the morning so she can whisper into your ear that she wishes that we could go back home, to our cozy little house out in the country, with the big flat field outside our front door and the smell of farm fresh in the air with Grandpa right down the road. I'm ashamed to think what my daughter has learned about her Mother in such a short time. Instead of the strong and confident woman I wanted to portray, I've shown her the definition of weak and spineless. And no matter how I fix this situation, she will always carry a piece of it with her. Her Mother's folly. My greatest mistake.