"Dumb," said my head.
"Sleep," said my body.
And all I could do was wipe away my tears and muster up the courage to think about trying again..
Black Ice
Still feeling a lot shaky after a close encounter with a bridge, two guard rails and a patch of black ice that asked me to dance before I had a chance to say no. I have no idea how I remained calm when I was convinced I was going to crash and crash badly in a I don't know if I'm going to walk away from this kind of way. Somehow however as my car pinged from one lane to the other like a bad rendition of pong I held the wheel steady and steered into and finally out of the slides. Thankfully there were no cars on either side of me and the cars behind me were far enough back that the only true worry I had was just getting the car back under control.
To say someone upstairs was looking out for me tonight is not an exaggeration. Tonight could have been something far beyond bad considering how fast I was going (55 mph) and how icy the road evidently was. I'm convinced that my hands were not alone on the wheel... I'm convinced that the calm I felt was the quiet confidence of someone else. I'm convinced that I'm here because someone didn't believe it was my time to go...
The Line
So opportunity is knocking and I've been asked out on a date for this coming Saturday night. I (in true fashion) panicked like a deer in the headlights and didn't commit to either a yes or a no.
I like K... But K is definitely not giving me any signs of life other than checking in via text. And I still say lack of effort = amount of interest or lack thereof. Unless he considers texting effort... But no, he's got to know that a woman would expect to see him and be asked out on a date even if that date was something simple like going for a walk or taking a ride or whatever you could find to do where you could simply be in each other's company. At least I think he should know...
So the question is do I take M up on the date or do I hold off until I'm sure I know what I really want to do?
Decisions.
I like K... But K is definitely not giving me any signs of life other than checking in via text. And I still say lack of effort = amount of interest or lack thereof. Unless he considers texting effort... But no, he's got to know that a woman would expect to see him and be asked out on a date even if that date was something simple like going for a walk or taking a ride or whatever you could find to do where you could simply be in each other's company. At least I think he should know...
So the question is do I take M up on the date or do I hold off until I'm sure I know what I really want to do?
Decisions.
Dating Shouldn't Be So Hard
Hot and cold doesn't work for me.
Texting alone doesn't work for me.
Trying to get to know a person without seeing them on a somewhat consistent basis doesn't work for me.
But what really doesn't work for me is trying to figure out if the guy in question is truly interested in me or not.
All signs are pointing to no, not really.
He texts, never calls. Doesn't ask me out unless I've initiated the conversation and even after dropping a "I'd really like to see you soon," text last Saturday, here we are a week later with no plans made. So I'm thinking I need to start taking all of this at face value.
Anyone - male or female - isn't going to let an opportunity pass to let the object of their interest know that they are indeed interested. Effort and communication are the trademark of getting to know someone. I don't need a text pen pal. I don't want a guy who maybe wants to be in my life or maybe doesn't or maybe is just keeping me on standby while he interviews other candidates. I want someone who wants to talk to me, see me, do things with me, and at the end of the day count themselves lucky to have met me.
I like this guy, I totally do... But I love me more. So for now, I'm not going to try to play mindreader or attempt to analyze what is and what isn't. I'm going to back off, put myself back out there and see what other options might come along. Until someone wants to invest in me, I'm not going to invest all my effort in them. Not saying I won't answer when he sends me a message, I will, but I also won't be waiting around to get that message or waiting on him to ask me out. I deserve someone who wants to be all in.
Texting alone doesn't work for me.
Trying to get to know a person without seeing them on a somewhat consistent basis doesn't work for me.
But what really doesn't work for me is trying to figure out if the guy in question is truly interested in me or not.
All signs are pointing to no, not really.
He texts, never calls. Doesn't ask me out unless I've initiated the conversation and even after dropping a "I'd really like to see you soon," text last Saturday, here we are a week later with no plans made. So I'm thinking I need to start taking all of this at face value.
Anyone - male or female - isn't going to let an opportunity pass to let the object of their interest know that they are indeed interested. Effort and communication are the trademark of getting to know someone. I don't need a text pen pal. I don't want a guy who maybe wants to be in my life or maybe doesn't or maybe is just keeping me on standby while he interviews other candidates. I want someone who wants to talk to me, see me, do things with me, and at the end of the day count themselves lucky to have met me.
I like this guy, I totally do... But I love me more. So for now, I'm not going to try to play mindreader or attempt to analyze what is and what isn't. I'm going to back off, put myself back out there and see what other options might come along. Until someone wants to invest in me, I'm not going to invest all my effort in them. Not saying I won't answer when he sends me a message, I will, but I also won't be waiting around to get that message or waiting on him to ask me out. I deserve someone who wants to be all in.
Done Day
Today my employment with company X officially comes to an end... Yesterday there was a little part of me that was sad but today all that sadness is gone and there is nothing but relief and excitement to start my new life with company Y. (I start Monday!)
Company Y already has a ready made family that is eagerly anticipating my arrival. Guys that I have known and even called friends for years. Being out on the road alone in my car these last six months really opened my eyes that even though I can be content to be alone, I really am a person who needs people. I also need information at my fingertips, paperwork on my desk and a centralized command center where I can plan taking over the world... But I digress...
So it's time to get my day started... Wish me well!
There Should Have Been a Full Moon
Last night must have been a full moon... How else to explain all the weirdness coming our of the woodwork?
Jake stopped by with a mere 5 minute warning via text that he was literally in my hood. Evidently it had recently become his mission in life to make sure that a 15 year recognition plaque (that I had intentionally left behind in a drawer in my old office when I left) be returned to its rightful owner. I honestly don't know why he was so concerned over it when to be honest it's a cheap piece of paper in an even cheaper frame...
But come over he did, complete with a bottle of some sort of booze that I didn't recognize, his Dad's favorite drink, he said, best over ice. And so I poured him a glass and made myself a rum with pineapple going very light on the rum for a change. And then the real reason for his visit became clear, it was the anniversary of his Dad's death. January 16th.
I think he just simply needed to be with someone he knew and someone he felt comfortable with. He didn't stay too long however and I didn't ask him where he was off to next. I was hoping it was home but Jake seems to avoid his house and his life in favor of little bars and perhaps women who make him forget about his troubles for a while. Many years ago I used to be one of those women until I realized that risking my heart to be a placebo for someone else's pain was the last thing I could afford to be to him and for him although I have remained as always his friend.
Jake stopped by with a mere 5 minute warning via text that he was literally in my hood. Evidently it had recently become his mission in life to make sure that a 15 year recognition plaque (that I had intentionally left behind in a drawer in my old office when I left) be returned to its rightful owner. I honestly don't know why he was so concerned over it when to be honest it's a cheap piece of paper in an even cheaper frame...
But come over he did, complete with a bottle of some sort of booze that I didn't recognize, his Dad's favorite drink, he said, best over ice. And so I poured him a glass and made myself a rum with pineapple going very light on the rum for a change. And then the real reason for his visit became clear, it was the anniversary of his Dad's death. January 16th.
I think he just simply needed to be with someone he knew and someone he felt comfortable with. He didn't stay too long however and I didn't ask him where he was off to next. I was hoping it was home but Jake seems to avoid his house and his life in favor of little bars and perhaps women who make him forget about his troubles for a while. Many years ago I used to be one of those women until I realized that risking my heart to be a placebo for someone else's pain was the last thing I could afford to be to him and for him although I have remained as always his friend.
Temporarily Unemployed-Ish
I kind of assumed my two weeks notice wouldn't be honored and as of this morning it's a done deal that my last day with employer X will be this Friday. I can totally understand why they're letting me go early considering the transition I'm making to employer Y. It's just that I haven't dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's with employer Y that has me momentarily panicking.
I'm not a girl who can live without a paycheck... I support two households literally, mine and my college aged daughter. So I literally need employer Y to jump start my paperwork and get me back on the job as soon as possible without any unnecessary delay.
I know I did make the right decision to make the jump but damn if the jump in itself isn't scary when you're not fully vetted... Not that anything should go wrong but I tend to wait until everything is completely in line before taking a trust fall.
I'm just going to keep breathing... What is meant to be will be.
I'm not a girl who can live without a paycheck... I support two households literally, mine and my college aged daughter. So I literally need employer Y to jump start my paperwork and get me back on the job as soon as possible without any unnecessary delay.
I know I did make the right decision to make the jump but damn if the jump in itself isn't scary when you're not fully vetted... Not that anything should go wrong but I tend to wait until everything is completely in line before taking a trust fall.
I'm just going to keep breathing... What is meant to be will be.
Switching Gears
So I did it... I gave notice today to my current job so why my stomach is still upset and unable to handle even the smallest bite of food is beyond me. I feel like throwing up or maybe sleeping and quite possibly both although not at the same time.
I'm exhausted. I got zippo sleep last night regardless of popping a melatonin pill before heading upstairs to bed and closing my eyes. I didn't help my chances of getting back to sleep either when I picked up a book and began to read... Half a finished book later it was almost 4 in the morning and my alarm was set to go off at 6.
So here we are... Upset tummy, a final notice of resignation given to current job, a head that literally needs to hit the pillow and no energy to crawl up the stairs.
I'm exhausted. I got zippo sleep last night regardless of popping a melatonin pill before heading upstairs to bed and closing my eyes. I didn't help my chances of getting back to sleep either when I picked up a book and began to read... Half a finished book later it was almost 4 in the morning and my alarm was set to go off at 6.
So here we are... Upset tummy, a final notice of resignation given to current job, a head that literally needs to hit the pillow and no energy to crawl up the stairs.
The Noise In My Head
Shhh...
Tell my thoughts to stop their thinking.
Tell my doubts to let their well run dry.
Tell my head it's not my heart and my heart to stop questioning why.
Let a moment be a moment,
Let a day just be a day.
Let the worries that I carry not take my joys away.
Let the smiles and the laughter be enough to keep the faith
that the road will lead me places that your heart will want to stay.
SLA
I tried not to get in my head and failed quite miserably. So much for just taking things by the second, by the minute, by the hour, by the day...
Not quite sure what the fallout is yet but I have a feeling that radio silence is most likely going to become the new norm from his end which means I will answer in kind if only to match the perceived effort or lack thereof.
I really wish we could all just be straight up and honest with the people we let into our lives regardless of the amount of time in which they might stay there. I wish people could just come to the table, lay down their cards and if it turns out that they want to cash their hand in and move on, they simply say so. You can exit stage right without hurting a soul if you make it clear you're leaving. It's the gradual disappearance, the overnight change in talking every day to going days without any contact that leaves a person with a thousand questions and a self assessment that literally focusses blame (right or wrong) on every word and action.
Maybe I screwed up letting him know how much I liked him far too soon. Maybe what I thought was low-key turned out to be too much, too fast, too me. I don't know. I thought that I was being avant garde with my here I am, what do you say approach. Maybe it isn't anything to do with me at all... Maybe there's not even a problem and this thought that we're on a collision course for leaving is all in my head.
The thing is if you don't nail down how to communicate with each other right from the start you just don't know and not knowing can inadvertently do more harm than good. So the question remains... Do I attempt to communicate once more or do I wait for him to let me know where he stands because I'm not really sure how to interpret his 10-4.
SLA
I tried not to get in my head and failed quite miserably. So much for just taking things by the second, by the minute, by the hour, by the day...
Not quite sure what the fallout is yet but I have a feeling that radio silence is most likely going to become the new norm from his end which means I will answer in kind if only to match the perceived effort or lack thereof.
I really wish we could all just be straight up and honest with the people we let into our lives regardless of the amount of time in which they might stay there. I wish people could just come to the table, lay down their cards and if it turns out that they want to cash their hand in and move on, they simply say so. You can exit stage right without hurting a soul if you make it clear you're leaving. It's the gradual disappearance, the overnight change in talking every day to going days without any contact that leaves a person with a thousand questions and a self assessment that literally focusses blame (right or wrong) on every word and action.
Maybe I screwed up letting him know how much I liked him far too soon. Maybe what I thought was low-key turned out to be too much, too fast, too me. I don't know. I thought that I was being avant garde with my here I am, what do you say approach. Maybe it isn't anything to do with me at all... Maybe there's not even a problem and this thought that we're on a collision course for leaving is all in my head.
The thing is if you don't nail down how to communicate with each other right from the start you just don't know and not knowing can inadvertently do more harm than good. So the question remains... Do I attempt to communicate once more or do I wait for him to let me know where he stands because I'm not really sure how to interpret his 10-4.
Spectrum - There's a reason Rum is in their name
Holy Hannah!
After an hour long cantankerous odyssey arguing with Spectrum on the validity of an overcharge of $200 I would like to announce that I have come out victorious.
My nerves however are shot... Right along with my patience, my hopes, my dreams and right now even my will to live.
Seriously this company is just so fucked up in their small minded heads that even I can't wrap mine around it. Shady as fuck is the only terminology that truly seems to apply.
My blood pressure is through the roof, my anxiety is in full motion and thanks to New Year's I at least have a bottle of rum and a bottle of pineapple to mix together and make the next few minutes better than the 60 that just came before.
New Year - New You is a resolution that #Spectrum ought to be making.
After an hour long cantankerous odyssey arguing with Spectrum on the validity of an overcharge of $200 I would like to announce that I have come out victorious.
My nerves however are shot... Right along with my patience, my hopes, my dreams and right now even my will to live.
Seriously this company is just so fucked up in their small minded heads that even I can't wrap mine around it. Shady as fuck is the only terminology that truly seems to apply.
My blood pressure is through the roof, my anxiety is in full motion and thanks to New Year's I at least have a bottle of rum and a bottle of pineapple to mix together and make the next few minutes better than the 60 that just came before.
New Year - New You is a resolution that #Spectrum ought to be making.
