Outrageous Beauty

I am making muffins to take to church. Making muffins because for some stupid reason, every time someone sticks a sign-up sheet in front of my face, I lose all my ability to pass it on and say the word no. In other words, if there's a sucker born every minute, I may as well keep my hand raised up for the duration.

The problem is I'm at war with my own beliefs... Because I am one of those people who believe in the best of people.

I believe because I want to believe that each one of us truly does have the kind of qualities necessary to redeem ourselves at the end of the day. I believe because I have seen outrageous beauty in people who claim they are uglier than the ugliest person of all. I believe because I believe in this little thing called hope and hope has made me a believer that truth and beauty were created to be as one. But I believe most of all because I need to believe that there will come a day when someone will see all of this in me, even on the days when I don't see any of this in myself.

But I would be lying if I didn't say that there are those who walk among us who will prove my theory wrong. Prove it grievously wrong time and time again. Measuring their joy by the number of your tears, by how many times your soul cries out with a keening wail. It is hard to see, let alone admit that there could be any beauty left to exist in these kind of people. Those that choose to take and not give back. Those that will promise but breach their promises time and time again. Those that will raise their voice as well as their hand in anger. The kind that will push you away and still long to keep some part of you near. And they will take, and continue to take just as long as you bleed with your willingness to give.

And I am the kind of person who doesn't know when it's time to stop giving more than she can take. Born with the belief that everything on earth needs saving, from the orphan bird fallen from the nest high up in the tree, to the man who doesn't know how and in truth doesn't want to put the alcohol away.

It turns out I can't save everyone... And there are days I don't even think I'm doing a good job of saving myself.

There are days I still wake up black and blue with so many bruises on my heart I don't think I'll ever be able to get over them all. There are days when the tears win and my smile fades into obscurity. Days when I just don't feel like getting out of bed. Days when I pray to God to give me strength to move myself through the motions of another day. Nights when I pray to God to explain all that can't be explained. Moments when I know I'm hearing the answer I need to hear and moments when silence is the only sound that doesn't bother to reply.

But I do believe. Believe that inside of each and every one of us, there is still untapped outrageous beauty we're meant to share with the world... Share with each other.