Ticks That Tock

I'm stubborn. A flaw I come by quite naturally. And I've never given much thought to changing, either from want or need or because of someone else's I wish you would. And wishing I would is more in the vernacular of thinking I could, when the truth is I can't, and to be quite honest won't.

Stubbornness is a flaw however. And I'd be the last person to try to deny that fact. I know all too well how stubbornness and pride can band together to form a most disagreeable union, like that of an aberration in the design of an atom.

Two strengths cannot coexist in the same place and time without giving tell to a critical weakness. One doesn't have to be well versed in mathematical equations or pontificating theories that explain the theory of everything in ridiculously exquisite and most often overly articulate detail. One must simply understand the simple design and dynamics of oneself as an individual, which is to say that it’s the tock that makes us all tick.

As for me, I happen to do well with self-imploding. Mini eruptions that pop up like wildfires scorching their way along my well used garden path. And I have been burning for years, sometimes in the quiet of myself and sometimes loud enough for anyone to hear. Though after a while even the most persistent flames burn to ember. And the ember waits, smoldering to itself, waiting for what can make it glow.

But there are those among us who throw the towel in too quickly. And more among us who fail to throw the towel in at all. I, I can master neither, getting caught up more so in the in-between of two rights, two wrongs, and too much time wasted trying to figure it all out.

I am one of the dreaded people who demands answers to everything. There is nothing that I can think of that I wouldn't want to know. And when I want to know, I make it a point to be still. To watch. To listen. To hear the things not necessarily said as much as they are often implied in simple gestures, unguarded glances and moments that define the directions of our individual realities.

Decisions. To fade. To follow. To carry on. And carry through. To live. To breathe. To be on fire with joy as well as with sorrow. To feel the salty wetness of a tear that tried. To know the flame of love as long as it will burn. To be willing to risk that first hello. To be willing to have to say goodbye.