Ooops... It's 2026 and I have been a very BAD blogger...

IT ONLY TOOK ME YEARS TO FINALLY BLOG AGAIN

 I wrote this earlier today... I've been thinking about Ashton a lot.  And I have attempted many times to put my feelings into words... I think I finally managed to do that today.  I also used an AI program to make it into a song...  Maybe there is some good to be found in AI.  Or at least maybe just enough good for today...  If you'd like to hear it, let me know and I can send a link and/or try to figure out how to inbed it.  Don't hold your breath on the last option.  I stopped being "good" with computers years ago.

Marking Time - Ashton's Song

I mark the time.

Hands stopping hands and the clock stops moving.

And your heart stops beating, and I’m lost in the silence of the screaming that can only be heard in my mind.

I mark the time.

Waiting for you to leave turns into knowing that you’re gone.

Out of pain but no longer in my arms.

I mark the time.

Wondering how long it takes to for this heartbreak to stop tearing its way right through me.

I mark the time.  Seconds turn to minutes until I begin to count the years..

You were my joy, sunshine smiles on a cloudy day, your

Laugh so big it chased all of my blues away.

Your hand in mine, so small.

So brave through it all.

We fought for time, time wasn’t on our side.

Love is everything you were.

Some souls are just too pure to exist in this world.

Wherever your spirits flown, I hope you’ll always know,

I loved you like you were my very own.

You were my joy, sunshine smiles on a cloudy day, your

Laugh so big it chased all my blues away.

Your hand in mine, so small.

So brave through it all.

We fought for time, time wasn’t on our side.

Love is everything you were.

Some souls are just too pure to exist in this world.

Wherever your spirits flown, I hope you’ll always know,

I loved you like you were my very own.

I mark the time.

Hands stopping hands and the clock stops moving.

World on Fire

The world is burning.
You cannot ignore us now.

We are a forest fire raging,
our anger and our fear like lava flows...

You say BE PATIENT -  This is not the way!

But we have waited - WAITED FOR YOU - to stand by our sides and say no more.

Because in this world it's YOUR VOICE that carries.
YOUR WATER that holds weight.
You who could extinguish fires instead leave them to smolder.

And OUR BROTHERS die!
Our SISTERS die!
OUR CHILDREN DIE!

And YOU just watch the smoke never thinking fire.

The world is burning.
We are burning,
begging,
pleading to be seen.

Heard.

Treated as you would treat your own.

We are people JUST LIKE YOU
But - YOU -
YOU see us as something else and make us something
WE ARE NOT.

You have no idea about INJUSTICE until you live it every day.

EVERY
DAY

Everyday I ask myself, "Is this the day I never make it home?"

SLA 05/31/2020

Another Not So Happy Ending

Trying to distract myself into not thinking about another man who has (surprise, surprise) let me down...  And truth be told, it's quite an easy thing to feel disappointed even when you know that this particular guy falling through the cracks is completely for the best.  A tall drink of water he might be but it's a matter of fact that he drinks far more than just water and far too often and too much to be someone it would be a good idea of setting yourself up with for the long haul.  Still it made your heart go all pitter patter while it lasted and it's hard to go from something to nothing overnight.

Wrong Choices Don't Make Things Right

You didn't have to prove yourself to me.  It turns out that I needed to prove me to me.  And truth is, I'm failing hard.  I'm doing everything all wrong rather than right, searching for something that I'm not going to find by reaching for the things I should be leaving far behind.

Dating Do's, Don'ts and Rather Not's

So I've been on a dating whirlwind and so far I'm coming up short each time.  From getting ghosted to having to be the one who says thanks but no thanks, I'm quite convinced that I really don't want to do much more of this for too much longer.

Last night I went out to Syracuse with a very nice man.  The conversation was good, we had fun giving an escape room a try and all around he's great...  But there wasn't a single butterfly and absolutely no thought that he and I could work as relationship material.  I haven't broken the news to him yet... I was kind of hoping he would text me today and say thanks but no thanks but it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to be the bearer of bad news and honestly I hate having to be the one to do it.  But everyone deserves honesty and not to be left hanging so that's my assignment for tomorrow.

I keep saying I'm going to take a break from this but so far I haven't.  I have however learned that I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable.  And vulnerability is something I am not good at in the least.  When you live as long as I have relying on no-one other than yourself without the option of breaking down and losing it, you learn to lock down the emotions and push through.  You learn that you're the only one you can count on and you learn not to need anyone.

I'm always joking that I'm five foot intimidating but my girlfriends tell me I don't realize just how true that statement really is.  To know me is to know that I have one of the biggest hearts out there but I protect that heart with an iron wall and it's rare that I ever let anyone close enough to break it or me.  They say I have to learn how to be vulnerable in order to attract the right man... And yet, I honestly don't know if I know how to do that or even if I can do that.  I don't know if I'm ready to have my heart broken again...

When It Hurts

"Ouch," said my heart.

"Dumb," said my head.

"Sleep," said my body. 

And all I could do was wipe away my tears and muster up the courage to think about trying again..

Black Ice

Still feeling a lot shaky after a close encounter with a bridge, two guard rails and a patch of black ice that asked me to dance before I had a chance to say no.  I have no idea how I remained calm when I was convinced I was going to crash and crash badly in a I don't know if I'm going to walk away from this kind of way.  Somehow however as my car pinged from one lane to the other like a bad rendition of pong I held the wheel steady and steered into and finally out of the slides.  Thankfully there were no cars on either side of me and the cars behind me were far enough back that the only true worry I had was just getting the car back under control.  

To say someone upstairs was looking out for me tonight is not an exaggeration.  Tonight could have been something far beyond bad considering how fast I was going (55 mph) and how icy the road evidently was.  I'm convinced that my hands were not alone on the wheel... I'm convinced that the calm I felt was the quiet confidence of someone else.  I'm convinced that I'm here because someone didn't believe it was my time to go...

The Line

So opportunity is knocking and I've been asked out on a date for this coming Saturday night.  I (in true fashion) panicked like a deer in the headlights and didn't commit to either a yes or a no.

I like K...  But K is definitely not giving me any signs of life other than checking in via text.  And I still say lack of effort = amount of interest or lack thereof.  Unless he considers texting effort... But no, he's got to know that a woman would expect to see him and be asked out on a date even if that date was something simple like going for a walk or taking a ride or whatever you could find to do where you could simply be in each other's company.  At least I think he should know...

So the question is do I take M up on the date or do I hold off until I'm sure I know what I really want to do?

Decisions.

Dating Shouldn't Be So Hard

Hot and cold doesn't work for me.

Texting alone doesn't work for me.

Trying to get to know a person without seeing them on a somewhat consistent basis doesn't work for me.

But what really doesn't work for me is trying to figure out if the guy in question is truly interested in me or not.

All signs are pointing to no, not really.

He texts, never calls.  Doesn't ask me out unless I've initiated the conversation and even after dropping a "I'd really like to see you soon," text last Saturday, here we are a week later with no plans made.  So I'm thinking I need to start taking all of this at face value.

Anyone - male or female - isn't going to let an opportunity pass to let the object of their interest know that they are indeed interested.  Effort and communication are the trademark of getting to know someone.  I don't need a text pen pal.  I don't want a guy who maybe wants to be in my life or maybe doesn't or maybe is just keeping me on standby while he interviews other candidates.  I want someone who wants to talk to me, see me, do things with me, and at the end of the day count themselves lucky to have met me.

I like this guy, I totally do...  But I love me more.  So for now, I'm not going to try to play mindreader or attempt to analyze what is and what isn't.  I'm going to back off, put myself back out there and see what other options might come along.  Until someone wants to invest in me, I'm not going to invest all my effort in them.  Not saying I won't answer when he sends me a message, I will, but I also won't be waiting around to get that message or waiting on him to ask me out.  I deserve someone who wants to be all in.

Done Day

Today my employment with company X officially comes to an end... Yesterday there was a little part of me that was sad but today all that sadness is gone and there is nothing but relief and excitement to start my new life with company Y.  (I start Monday!)

Company Y already has a ready made family that is eagerly anticipating my arrival.  Guys that I have known and even called friends for years.  Being out on the road alone in my car these last six months really opened my eyes that even though I can be content to be alone, I really am a person who needs people.  I also need information at my fingertips, paperwork on my desk and a centralized command center where I can plan taking over the world...  But I digress...

So it's time to get my day started... Wish me well!

There Should Have Been a Full Moon

Last night must have been a full moon... How else to explain all the weirdness coming our of the woodwork?

Jake stopped by with a mere 5 minute warning via text that he was literally in my hood.  Evidently it had recently become his mission in life to make sure that a 15 year recognition plaque (that I had intentionally left behind in a drawer in my old office when I left) be returned to its rightful owner. I honestly don't know why he was so concerned over it when to be honest it's a cheap piece of paper in an even cheaper frame...

But come over he did, complete with a bottle of some sort of booze that I didn't recognize, his Dad's favorite drink, he said, best over ice.  And so I poured him a glass and made myself a rum with pineapple going very light on the rum for a change.  And then the real reason for his visit became clear, it was the anniversary of his Dad's death.  January 16th.

I think he just simply needed to be with someone he knew and someone he felt comfortable with.  He didn't stay too long however and I didn't ask him where he was off to next.  I was hoping it was home but Jake seems to avoid his house and his life in favor of little bars and perhaps women who make him forget about his troubles for a while.  Many years ago I used to be one of those women until I realized that risking my heart to be a placebo for someone else's pain was the last thing I could afford to be to him and for him although I have remained as always his friend.

Temporarily Unemployed-Ish

I kind of assumed my two weeks notice wouldn't be honored and as of this morning it's a done deal that my last day with employer X will be this Friday.  I can totally understand why they're letting me go early considering the transition I'm making to employer Y.  It's just that I haven't dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's with employer Y that has me momentarily panicking.

I'm not a girl who can live without a paycheck... I support two households literally, mine and my college aged daughter.  So I literally need employer Y to jump start my paperwork and get me back on the job as soon as possible without any unnecessary delay.

I know I did make the right decision to make the jump but damn if the jump in itself isn't scary when you're not fully vetted... Not that anything should go wrong but I tend to wait until everything is completely in line before taking a trust fall.

I'm just going to keep breathing... What is meant to be will be.

Switching Gears

So I did it... I gave notice today to my current job so why my stomach is still upset and unable to handle even the smallest bite of food is beyond me.  I feel like throwing up or maybe sleeping and quite possibly both although not at the same time.

I'm exhausted.  I got zippo sleep last night regardless of popping a melatonin pill before heading upstairs to bed and closing my eyes.  I didn't help my chances of getting back to sleep either when I picked up a book and began to read... Half a finished book later it was almost 4 in the morning and my alarm was set to go off at 6.

So here we are... Upset tummy, a final notice of resignation given to current job, a head that literally needs to hit the pillow and no energy to crawl up the stairs.

The Noise In My Head

Shhh...

Tell my thoughts to stop their thinking.

Tell my doubts to let their well run dry.

Tell my head it's not my heart and my heart to stop questioning why.

Let a moment be a moment,

Let a day just be a day.

Let the worries that I carry not take my joys away.

Let the smiles and the laughter be enough to keep the faith

that the road will lead me places that your heart will want to stay.

SLA

I tried not to get in my head and failed quite miserably.  So much for just taking things by the second, by the minute, by the hour, by the day...

Not quite sure what the fallout is yet but I have a feeling that radio silence is most likely going to become the new norm from his end which means I will answer in kind if only to match the perceived effort or lack thereof.

I really wish we could all just be straight up and honest with the people we let into our lives regardless of the amount of time in which they might stay there.  I wish people could just come to the table, lay down their cards and if it turns out that they want to cash their hand in and move on, they simply say so.  You can exit stage right without hurting a soul if you make it clear you're leaving.  It's the gradual disappearance, the overnight change in talking every day to going days without any contact that leaves a person with a thousand questions and a self assessment that literally focusses blame (right or wrong) on every word and action.

Maybe I screwed up letting him know how much I liked him far too soon.  Maybe what I thought was low-key turned out to be too much, too fast, too me.  I don't know.  I thought that I was being avant garde with my here I am, what do you say approach.  Maybe it isn't anything to do with me at all... Maybe there's not even a problem and this thought that we're on a collision course for leaving is all in my head.

The thing is if you don't nail down how to communicate with each other right from the start you just don't know and not knowing can inadvertently do more harm than good.  So the question remains... Do I attempt to communicate once more or do I wait for him to let me know where he stands because I'm not really sure how to interpret his 10-4.

Spectrum - There's a reason Rum is in their name

Holy Hannah!

After an hour long cantankerous odyssey arguing with Spectrum on the validity of an overcharge of $200 I would like to announce that I have come out victorious.

My nerves however are shot... Right along with my patience, my hopes, my dreams and right now even my will to live.

Seriously this company is just so fucked up in their small minded heads that even I can't wrap mine around it.  Shady as fuck is the only terminology that truly seems to apply.

My blood pressure is through the roof, my anxiety is in full motion and thanks to New Year's I at least have a bottle of rum and a bottle of pineapple to mix together and make the next few minutes better than the 60 that just came before.

New Year - New You is a resolution that #Spectrum ought to be making.

What if? The question and quite possibly the answer...

My what if thoughts are really this… 

What if things work or don’t work out exactly the way they’re supposed to. What if the job you didn’t take, the appointment you missed, the random stop for coffee at the little shop on the corner, what if all these little random moments aren’t so random after all? What if the choices you made – even the bad ones – were the ones you had to make in order to reach your true destination. What if there is no such thing as random? What if everything has intention, push and pull behind it? What if every choice made – right or wrong – is the right choice even when wrong?

What if we’re meant to live exactly the lives we’re living to meet the people we meet in order to become the people we are so we can meet the people we’ve always been meant to know?

What if is infinite… 

It began before either of our stories began, long before you knew there was an I and I knew there was a you. Long before people like Patrick met Nancy and Eugene met Fran. So long ago in fact that the only thing we can believe in is that somehow we’re walking a part of a path that started with the footsteps of someone else and it’s our footsteps that someone else will be following one day…

Words of Wisdom

This too shall pass. 

There may not be enough numbers in the universe to count how many times this little quip has been thrown about. This simple statement covers just about any stumbling block or bump in the road regardless of size.

And at the end of the day, it's always good to be reminded that dark days do have a time limit and eventually either like a spring rain or a kidney stone, they pass.

It's a little sad however that the only other phrase popping into my head right now is "I'll give you something to cry about,"but I guess somehow in my mind these two go together as a sort of yin and yang, at least in my memory banks. Not a lot of wisdom in the second set of words but they were heard often enough around the dinner table when more than just vegetables were part of the equation that like a parasite its attached itself whether it belongs there or not.

Still the true wisdom is knowing what to do with the takeaway from a passing moment. Every situation has an opportunity to be a lesson learned (wanted or not) it's not enough to simply just wait for time to do its thing if its thing is only to clean the slate and wipe the board clean. We enlightened humans need to learn.

Maybe we learn how to cry and the lesson in not in the tears but in the letting go. Maybe we learn how to laugh and the lesson is not to overthink the things that don't mean as much as we thought. Or maybe we learn that the best way out is through, hard roads are high roads, people that are wrong aren't ever going to be right, doing the right thing first saves a lot of wasted time later. I could go on... And on... And on.

Einstein probably was a this too shall pass kind of guy... After all he was the guy who said (and I'll paraphrase) that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results was pretty much the definition of insanity. I'm pretty sure he would have been a strong proponent for making sure he got the big picture viewing after a this too shall pass moment. He wouldn't have wasted the opportunity to breathe a sigh (and I think it would have been a long exasperated one) of relief before immediately setting his sights on working out a logical equation to never, ever have to repeat the experience again.

This too shall pass is another way of saying, "I have learned."

All Good Things

Life changes in a blink.  People, pets, places...  And like the songs says you've got to just try to keep on keeping on...

I could have been thrown for a few loops this year.  I left a job after nineteen years, I broke up with a boyfriend after two, I lost my first cat Emma this summer at the cusp of eighteen and I lost my Sophie  just two shorts weeks ago after nine.  It's a wonder I'm not knee deep in a bottle right now with no intention of trying to find my way out.

Instead I'm doing alright and maybe even a lot better than just okay.

I have a precocious pup (Phineas) that just joined our troupe not even a full two days ago.  I have my lovely little Lucy girl sleeping at my feet.  My Cooper kitten is a year old and growing into a big old playful tom.  

I left a job that was taking more than it was providing and gained the confidence to make big changes.  Changes which I'm still taking a leap of faith to make.  And the ex-boyfriend, well he was a taker too...  

He took my joy and pressed it under his thumb of expectations.  Our relationship was another job, well at least for me.  Make him breakfast, make him lunch, make him dinner, do his laundry, drive him to wherever it was he wanted to go while catering to his every whim and want all the while my whims, wants and expectations were never even up for discussion.  The end of that relationship was a blessing to just say no.  

So I'm not going to end this year feeling sad or melancholy... I'm going to focus on my joy, the people and pets I love, the opportunities that I still have to take and a guy who makes me smile just by saying his name...  Life is good.

                          

Emma and Sophie

Cooper, Sophie and Lucy

Lucy

Sophie and Lucy

Phineas aka Phnny

Cooper

Emma

First Aid Kit - My Silver Lining (Video)

All The Feels

Day 6:  5 Ways to Win My Heart

I almost made it to 4 a.m. this morning before sleep decided that I had had enough, so rather than try to pretend there’s any chance of going back to bed and getting any more shut eye, I present to you my blog post…

The truth is rum doesn’t ever factor into the equation… And I am of the mindset that love isn’t nearly as complicated as people try to make it out to be. Love to me is all about the small things that take up the most room in your heart. It’s the little things you do and say, the way you smile and how you laugh. The way your heart feels on fire simply by remembering something that your someone said or did that told you in a thousand different ways that you are loved, respected and cherished. Love makes you believe in possibility. It’s knowing someone is always going to be there with a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on and the belief that together everything is going to be okay.

It’s respecting your time together and your time apart. It’s the give and take of being all in but at the same time recognizing the need for personal space. In order to be the best me and the best you there has to be room to just be ourselves and you figure out together how that works. Maybe I need a few hours to get lost in a book or dig in my garden… Maybe you need an hour or two to get out of the house to enjoy a beer, a conversation with friends and have a chicken wing or two. Either way that time apart only serves to make time together better spent.

But time as a concept is equally tied to effort…

Grand gestures and elaborate plans while perhaps having their moments at some time and some point are not needed as the norm.  Effort to me is showing up, being present and accounted for. It’s saying without saying, “You’re my person.” And when you’re my person you won’t ever have to ask when or if I’ll be there for you, it’s the given. 

Maybe it’s a silly way to describe it but I think of things like if you had six cords of wood delivered that needed stacking, you’d never even need to ask whether or not I’d be there to help. I’d have my gloves in hand and be out to the wood pile ready to get the job done… Relationships are work and require effort, they are a job that needs to get done efficiently and correctly. Anyone who has ever stacked a pile of wood knows that you have to stack it right from the first piece of wood down in order for it to stay standing.

And you stand by being part of a team. In taking our combined strengths and balancing out our combined weaknesses to find balance, that place in a relationship when no one is holding too many or too few of the cards while realizing that there may be times when the balance moves from one side to the other in slight adjustments until it equalizes out once more.

Always talk to me… Talk to me about the mundane things like how was your day, what you learned, what you heard… And then tell me about your dreams, your passions and your concerns. Tell me about what makes you happy, tell me about what makes you sad. Explain to my why you’re angry or upset or tell me I don’t want to talk right now, but I promise we will later.  Communication is everything. You cannot shut the door and lock someone out without making them feel cold and inconsequential. Just leave the door ajar until you’re ready to find your words again…

Truly however the best way to win my heart is to make me laugh… Love is hidden in the laughter. It’s wrapped up in silliness. It’s the smile that lasts for hours and days and months and for the lucky a lifetime. Life if short, joy is forever… 

And lastly though I do believe this qualifies now as my sixth line item please love, like or happily tolerate my family and by default expect the very same from me. These are my people, all holding a special place in my heart, they are what makes me more me and are a marking spot on my joy meter. I may not always like them 100%, I may want to occasionally swat one of my sister’s on the back of her head and roll my eyes more times than I can count when my daughter is in diva mode but I love them always and there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for them whenever and wherever that need arose.

This concludes my essay on why you should now you run scared for the hills… I’m as real as real gets and that means I ask for as much as I expect to give without any apology or qualms that what I need may be asking too much. For love it’s got to be everything.