Fare Thee Well...

I was never a big fan of adding music to a page, always worried that somehow it might distract from the reading, but when I write, it's usually with some sort of music pouring into my ears to set the mood and tone of the words I type...

The song playing today is one of my all time favorites, although it should be said that I like Mary Chapin Carpenter's version far better than June's... However when it's free, you take what you can find.

I first heard this song a fews years ago in the movie Fly Away Home. It was one of those songs that just spoke to my heart instantly. It reached right in, wrapped itself around and set up residence like there was no question that it belonged.


It reminds me of good times. When I close my eyes I see the slow ripples left behind in the wake of an oar pushing against the water and the blue, blue mountains above the lake. And I see a family... A small girl standing next to her mother holding a fish up with her hands for the camera to view, happy with simple pride. A family and a camp fire, their faces flushed with an orange glow, laughing, telling stories, their hands sticky from the remnants of s'mores already eaten... Mom filling in a new entry of a camp journal to be left behind. Dad cooking breakfast in a cast iron frying pan on an ancient stove. Amy and I snuggled up in sleeping bags, playing checkers while it rained, feeding deer fallen apples in the yard...


They were simple times. They were the best of times. Precious memories that make me smile, precious memories that make me cry...

Life is all about these little moments. They are the pictures we take, the smiles we share, the days we spend together, the times we spend apart. Made of belonging, made of falling apart, made of love, taken away by time... Minutes, days, months, years, lifetimes...

Moments we may try to re-create but can't, new moments we make with the families we start, with the children we call our own... With new fish on the hook, with new beds in which to sleep, with new names for us to call and be called, with new smiles we hope to share... With the love that is and always will be a part of who we are, together and alone...

With the one true direction we have and will always know...

And I... I will always fly away home...

A Little On the Short Side

What is with all the movies about penquins lately? Are they making a come back or something? Or does someone in Hollywood just really love penquins?

I think there must be some sort of penquin phenomenen going around...

Anyhoo... My brain is toast after putting in 12 hours at the office today... It wasn't my idea of a good time, but at least I'm one day closer to the weekend... Well, that is if I didn't just remind myself that I'm being forced to work on Saturday! Damn inventory and my inability to count!

** Adendum ** So I was all prepared to find myself up and about going to work this morning when I got the news that I was no longer needed... Since I wasn't going to get paid for this little bit of OT, there will be no complaints here... **

Accident Prone

Paper cuts hurt... Razor like cuts that mimic the feel of a thousand paper cuts hurt even more...

It seems in my haste to install an air conditioner in my bedroom tonight, I made a bit of a boo boo and caught my hands on something seriously sharp... Now I'm sitting here wishing I had a box of band-aids and the strength to go into the kitchen and mix myself up a cold drink. I don't however have the wherewithal to even think about touching the blender tonight (bad things come in threes) so for now I'm blocking out the cries of the coconut rum beckoning from its top shelf perch.

On the bright side I'm about to call it a night and enjoy falling asleep in my new and improved freezer conditioned room. And like my Mom always says, it's better than a sharp stick in the eye.

Times They Are A Changing... Again

I so am not wanting to go to work today... Can't explain just why, but I'm dreading another day...

And my best work friend Rebukkah (or Becky as she's more commonly referred to as) has ruined my life by putting in her notice...

This completely sucks! And I can tell you one thing, she wasn't thinking about me when she decided to quit!

Sigh... She's the only one who truly gets me. The only one quicker than I with a comeback and the ability to finish the punch line when I start a joke... The only one who breaks out in song with me during random moments of ridiculous... The only one who tries to rough up fellow employees for no other reason at all other than to humor me... The only one who could have given notice and made me wish she wasn't going anywhere at all...

Rules For the Road

Why am I tired again?

Maybe it's this damn heat... It's so hot. Even with the air conditioners running, it's not nearly cool enough in here.

My mind is already fixated on this weekend... I have to work Saturday (unpaid) for our quarterly inventory and I'm not thrilled in the least. There's nothing I hate more than puttering around for goodness knows how many hours wasting my time when I'm not really needed there... It's not like they let me count anyway... Not that I want to count at all... I wonder if they're making Mike work? At least if he were around I'd have some cheap amusement... So Mike, Mr. Tired With the Lights On, are you going to be there?

As for the rest of my weekend, Jason has already asked me if I'll have some time free to spend with him... And I have to admit, mad points in his favor that he's (a) asking days before the weekend and (b) that his follow through seems to be following through... There's nothing - at least in my book - worse than someone assuming you're content to sit on the back burner and wait... So mad points for Jason because it's nice to know that he genuinely wants to see me.

And in the words of my temporary turtle icon of love, this girl's speed has been set to slow...

To Sleep, To Dream

My brain is far too muddled to make even the shortest sentence make sense tonight...

So I'm off to bed... Off to dream...

Maybe I Do Like Long Walks...

The answer was no. No he did not get a kiss last night and no he did not get a kiss this afternoon either... Now before that statement has anyone thinking I let him stay the night, let me clarify by saying that I said yes to a second date this afternoon... (Did I ever mention that once I decide to do something, I do jump in with both feet and start swimming?)

Today's date consisted of trekking about the back trails of my local town park, furthering our conversation from where we had left off last night. To be honest, it was kind of nice, this walking and talking thing we were doing. I guess in my bizarre little world, I never really knew what the whole dating thing could really be like. This whole concept of doing things that don't consist of racing into a bedroom first is new to me... Which is not to say I've employed that maneuver with a vast amount of men, but I have been known to make that mistake thinking I was taking the fast track to gaining someones affections only to learn that I'd succeeded in making myself feel like a fool instead...

Maybe I should have been on this turtle kick years ago. Then again I am a slow learner when it comes to matters of the heart.

I did however learn something important last night. I learned that I need to expect more and not less from any man I allow in my life and I need to speak up when something makes me uncomfortable like the whole hand on leg episode in the theater. And I'm glad I did, because all in all it was an enjoyable evening...

Perhaps my faith in men - as well as myself - is on its way to being restored.

Saturday Night Special

Okay so I'm home now and ready to dish all about tonight and the I can't believe it's not butter date...

It was in one word, a little nerve wracking, well initially anyway. And then I decided to just get on with it, and hide my nervousness with a serious dose of self-confidence that I didn't in the least little bit feel...

Which is how we found ourselves down at the beach at the old midway walking around aimlessly with absolutely no intention of getting on any of their antiquated rides. It was kind of strange, strolling around with a stranger, making small talk about this and that and nothing in particular... We ended our walk just along the shore, and watched the sun go down over the lake...

From there we decided to give the movies a go, and though he may not have appreciated the input, I directed him back towards home using every shortcut imaginable... (I figured it wouldn't hurt to test him early on with how well he'd take my directions... And I do have to admit he passed with flying colors.)

So it was off to the movies we went and YES, he paid for everything, from the tickets to the concession, and I have to admit that was definitely a move in his favor. A move not in his favor however was how many times he put his hand on my leg during the movie, or attempted to tickle me. Although he didn't believe me, I wasn't kidding when I told him that if he touched me again I was going to break his hands... Note to self boys, if I've only known you for less than 2 hours, don't think it's acceptable to start getting all touchy feely... So while he watched the movie (Room 1408)I watched his hands and made sure he kept them to himself.

After the movie however, I was starting to get a little freaked out that he would expect some big old kiss upon taking me back to my car and I wasn't quite sure how I wanted to handle that... Instead the turtle mantra kept running itself around in my head screaming at me to pay attention. And there's nothing like picturing little turtles waving picket signs walking about on their hind legs to keep you from puckering up your lips.

But really, I know I'm not doing justice to this story right now considering all I haven't even mentioned which I should mention because it is noteworthy, but I am so tired and all I can think about at this exact second is sleep... So forgive me... I'll be back to quick edit all of this tomorrow...

Damn, damn, damn...

Fuck! (Excuse my lack of french) I have a date tomorrow night...

Year of the Turtle Takes a Downward Spiral

Asinine is standing in your kitchen whining to yourself that you don't want to call a boy and then getting on your computer to blog about not having done it yet...

Okay, okay... I'm calling...

Wah!

* Addendum...

F'ing voicemail! Shite!

Yes, No, Maybe So

Okay... So here it is, right or wrong...

Yes... I hope he decides to call back and finish the conversation we started last night.

No... This doesn't mean I'm going to put my life on hold either way... Like I said earlier, it's time to move in a forward direction.

Yes... I still have good feelings about him... I know he's trying to change his circumstances and the best motivator he has to make those changes is himself. I hope he makes those changes because it's what he wants to do.

No... That doesn't mean I won't explore my feelings for someone else should I find myself interested in one of my future dates... And yes, I am going on a date later on this weekend. (And please God, let him be normal and not a psychopath...)

Yes... I know there's plenty of people out there who don't want me to have anything to do with him anymore, one of which includes my daughter who was upset last night when she realized who I was talking with on the phone.

No... I wasn't impressed with KC's antics to distract me, or eavesdrop on the conversation... But yes, I understood that she (as children are prone to do when they reach an age of mildly understanding human relationships) was honing in on her own protection instincts.

Yes... I did sit down with KC and explain that although my conversation wasn't any of her business and her behavior was both downright rude and unacceptable, I could understand why she had that reaction. I also assured her that as an adult, that it's my job to make good and responsible decisions for the both of us.

No... I haven't yet finalized all my plans for this weekend... But yes, I'm about to pick up my phone and do that in just a few minutes.

Yes... I did get lost once today (and I have to add this in here, because to know me is to know that I have absolutely no sense of direction) but found my way despite my friend Paul's horrid directions. And since it was a favor between my job and his that brought me there in the first place, he should be damn thankful I didn't smack him over the head for making the directions much more complicated than they had to be... The nerve!

No... I've got nothing left to blog about.

Yes... I have to get off the computer, pick the house up a bit, (figuratively, not literally) figure out my schedule for tomorrow, (which includes a quick trip to Glens Falls) call date number one to set up a place and time, and yes this will be in public and I will be driving my own car, and he can forget about anything more than a handshake in the end... Well, unless he's really cute and then maybe at least a kiss. But after that, it's completely hands free...

Because if I can only remember one thing, and one damn thing only, it's this...

TURTLE!

As in as slow as...

Unbalanced

I wasn't expecting his phone call. And I don't know how to process the conversation I just had, well sort of had, and didn't have and may still have... I'm confused. And I really don't want to be confused anymore. And now I've ignored the call I should have taken to talk to him. And I am such a fool, fool, fool...

And what's getting to me is wondering if he's going to call me back... And why I want him to.

-------

So that was how I left things last night. The conversation stopping as suddenly as it had started and me feeling like a train had just hit me in the middle of my living room. I called Brenda to find my equlibrium, explaining both the lows and highs of the the entire conversation the best I could (struggling to understand it myself) and decided by the time that I hung up that I wouldn't allow myself to sleep with the thought of Glenn on my mind.

One way or another, it's time to move forward.

Date or No Date

So I may have a date... I don't know yet as I haven't really made up my mind. I had thought earlier that my answer was going to be a straight up no but now I'm wondering if I may have jumped the gun on that...

The date however is not with my ex-neighbor Bob though I wish it were. And I suppose since that's the general feeling I'm having, that I'd rather this date be with someone else, maybe I should save us both the trouble and not go, although come to think of it I tried that and received an email in protest of that idea.

I'm beginning to think I'm not ready for this whole dating thing again... Or maybe I should just consider this a practice run...

Argh. I'm stressing and I hate to be stressed.

In a Neighborly Way

Two years ago when I still lived in my lovely little townhouse out in the country, I had a wonderful neighbor named Bob. He was a quiet sort of guy, smart and funny with small town good looks and a winning smile. He was the kind of guy you just knew was the real deal. He didn't smoke, he rarely drank, he went to church and he always lent a hand when a hand was needed, from digging out my car in the wintertime to playing cat's cradle with KC on our front porch for no other reason than to be kind.

And summer nights, nights when you left the windows open to let the cool air in, you could hear him playing his guitar, his voice hesitant on the notes but singing along anyway. I used to joke that Bob and I were practically sleeping together, sharing opposite sites of the same bedroom wall. And secretly, at least I hoped it was secret at that point, I had quite the little crush on him.

The more I got to know him the more I knew that he was the right kind of guy... Seeing me upset one night, close to tears and heading for my car, he didn't hesitate for even one second to see if there was anything he could do to help. I remember him standing there looking directly into my eyes and asking me if everything was okay, and I knew as I still know now, that had I broken down and told him the truth of everything that was wrong, he would have sat me down and sorted out a solution with me. Instead I did the stupid prideful thing and told him I was okay, leaving him behind in our driveway as I drove away.

And when it became common knowledge that after close to ten years, I was taking the plunge and moving out, it wasn't just my neighbor Sheila who tried to talk sense into me about leaving.

So tonight, when I saw his profile online with a local dating site, yeah, I couldn't help but wonder what if? What if the guy for me was as close as the other side of a wall the entire time? And what's stopping me from finding out? After all, it couldn't hurt just to stop by and say hello...

The Storm Outside and In

I'm too tired tonight to give this a go... And when I'm tired, the theme always seems to revert back to I'm sad, wishing I could talk to someone in particular and knowing that it's beyond time to let things go... Disconnect with love... That's something I read in one of my latest borrowed books from the library... And it's time I learned how to truly unplug because it's what I need to do...

Maybe it's corny to read a book like this. A book that simplifies the human mind into a science of why we're wired the way we are, but some (okay, most) of what I've read is hitting home. Now I'm beginning to see the footprints in the sand, how the behaviors I learned as a young girl have amplified themselves in the woman I've become... And it's beyond time to clear my mindset once and for all of the little matchstick girl, cold on the outside looking inside trying to get warm...

Saving Grace

I've really got nothing at all tonight even with having a lot on my mind. Random thoughts have a way of weeding their way through my consciousness whether I want them to be there or not, and I am without a weed wacker to mow them all down.

This is not a night for me to be listening to Tori. Certain songs only set the stage for these thoughts to grow and I find myself walking in circles trying to get back to a beginning I can't name. It's like the more I know I can't change something, the more I try to figure out what it is that I've done wrong. Because in my line of thinking I'm always the only one to blame. And that's a crock of shit to think it belongs settled on my shoulders. I am not responsible for any one's behavior but my own. I know this. And yet still I need to be convinced...

It's pointless however to put your life on hold waiting for a sorry that will not come, waiting for someone to step up to the plate and own up to doing wrong. You can hold your breath but you can't stop breathing... It wouldn't make any sense to hold on to something that never was, that never will be... Why keep spinning in circles when the result always ends with your bottom in the barrel? You have to decide when it's worth the effort and when the effort you make isn't worth your time...

That doesn't mean that you invalidate the truth of what you felt when your heart was in complete control. Love is a gift whether it's given or gained, accepted or declined. That doesn't mean you have to hate the person who broke your heart or continue to be his best friend. Sometimes distance and silence are the saving grace to moving on. Do not hold yourself back for fear of leaving, do not stay still for fear of moving forward, do not wait for fear he won't return but go without hesitation or regret...

"Brush back my tears and he said Girl, we have to soldier on. Yes girl, even when we don't feel strong..."
- Dark Side of the Sun - Tori Amos, American Doll Posse 2007

Much too tuckered out for anything thought provoking...

Off to bed...

Happy Father's Day to every Dad, everywhere...

Eyes Wide Open

Nobody got any sleep last night despite a valiant effort on my part to keep the noise level down to a dull roar. Every time I thought I was just about to slip over the edge into the oblivion that is sleep, whispered voices and fast moving feet had me sitting up straight as a post, to yell ( because at some point your patience loses out) "To bed. Now!"

Continually I wonder why I allow myself to be tortured in such a way, after all a gaggle of girls giggling into the wee hours of the night isn't anywhere close to my idea of fun. But I guess that what I'm really doing is thinking of the future... With the teen years just around the corner, I'd rather be the Mom who has a house full than the Mom who doesn't know where and with who her daughter is hanging out with. I call it laying the foundation without KC knowing it's there, kind of like taking her to church every Sunday, and knowing that even though she's not listening as close as I'd like her to be, through the power of osmosis she's hearing it all the same.

Chaos & Mayhem

We're in the middle of a sleepover... Not that anyone is sleeping. And somehow... Somehow I got suckered into not just one, but two girls staying over. Right now the girls are in the living room watching "She's The Man" while I try to ignore that the TV is so darn loud that I've probably gone deaf in at least one of my ears by now.

On another note, I've been a busy little creature with big plans on taking back this blog. One of which includes a custom made logo with a whole blog face makeover to follow... And I have to tell you, I am completely geeked up over the whole thing... I mean come on now, it's only taken me four years to finally stop talking about wanting to do it and actually getting close to getting it all done... Talk about accomplishment! (Procrastination be damned!)

Anyhoo, the children are starting to become a bit too rowdy which means Mom mode is about to be activated. Time to bust up the fun and get to the serious business of sleeping...

To Borrow a Title: Co-Dependent No More

So... Dating.

I've decided that of all the words in the English language this one represents to me one of the most scariest and awful words of all... The whole concept of dating is horrible. You talk, you meet, you maybe like each other, you maybe don't, you have to go through your whole tortured history of I got this scar when I was three, I have this many sisters, and this many parents and oh yeah, I hate vegetables and love foreign films. And after all of that sharing of getting to know you, getting to know me, I always wind up with the same exact outcome. Nursing a broken heart wondering where I went wrong...

But this time I think I've got it figured out, and really by now I think that's got to be some sort of prerequisite for me before I even think about going anywhere with anyone anytime soon because to be frank, and hey, we're all friends here and I'm just being honest, I've got lousy taste in men. Show me the commitment-phobe, show me the guy who says he will but won't call, show me the guy who thinks friends with benefits is the best idea around, show me the guy who shouldn't be calling me at all and it's like I raise my hand and say, "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!"

Well, I'm not doing that anymore. It's come down to two things, either I learn my darn lesson once and for all by taking things slow and not seeing anyone exclusively until I've reason to believe that a certain someone is truly the one for me, or I go it alone from here on out... Because quite frankly, I don't handle rejection all that well, and once attached to someone, I have a hard time learning how to let them go regardless of how much of a front I put up that I'm completely over it... And to be brutally honest, I'm never really quite over any of it... Least of all when my heart was all but picking out the wedding favors.

So no more of that. I'm going to date, I'm going to meet lots of different men, and I'm going to be as slow as a gosh darn turtle while doing it. And I'm going to have my own set of rules by which I'll follow...

Can you take me to the movies? Absolutely.
Can you take me out to dinner? Any night you want.
Can you meet me out for coffee? Sure thing.
Can you talk to me on the phone? Yes, but for no more than an hour and certainly not all night.
Can you meet my kid? Not a chance of that happening anytime soon.
Can you come over to my place? Only long enough to walk me to my door before you leave.
Can you meet my family? Ummm, I've only known you for five minutes...

Listen a woman of my age has got to have a sense of humor about all of this now, I mean seriously, I've pretty much got the basics down of how to fuck a relationship up from the start that trying it a new way certainly can't cause me any more harm... So here's to it.

Date number one...