Saving Grace

I've really got nothing at all tonight even with having a lot on my mind. Random thoughts have a way of weeding their way through my consciousness whether I want them to be there or not, and I am without a weed wacker to mow them all down.

This is not a night for me to be listening to Tori. Certain songs only set the stage for these thoughts to grow and I find myself walking in circles trying to get back to a beginning I can't name. It's like the more I know I can't change something, the more I try to figure out what it is that I've done wrong. Because in my line of thinking I'm always the only one to blame. And that's a crock of shit to think it belongs settled on my shoulders. I am not responsible for any one's behavior but my own. I know this. And yet still I need to be convinced...

It's pointless however to put your life on hold waiting for a sorry that will not come, waiting for someone to step up to the plate and own up to doing wrong. You can hold your breath but you can't stop breathing... It wouldn't make any sense to hold on to something that never was, that never will be... Why keep spinning in circles when the result always ends with your bottom in the barrel? You have to decide when it's worth the effort and when the effort you make isn't worth your time...

That doesn't mean that you invalidate the truth of what you felt when your heart was in complete control. Love is a gift whether it's given or gained, accepted or declined. That doesn't mean you have to hate the person who broke your heart or continue to be his best friend. Sometimes distance and silence are the saving grace to moving on. Do not hold yourself back for fear of leaving, do not stay still for fear of moving forward, do not wait for fear he won't return but go without hesitation or regret...

"Brush back my tears and he said Girl, we have to soldier on. Yes girl, even when we don't feel strong..."
- Dark Side of the Sun - Tori Amos, American Doll Posse 2007