I'm becoming my job... Working all sorts of hours to avoid going home and the deafening quiet that exists when KC is away. And she's away from home again, gone for the next five days to visit with her Dad. So at five o'clock I don't rush home. Instead I sit in my office listening to everyone else leave.
Tonight I came home, sat on my couch and cried. Cried because nothing feels right to me anymore and I haven't figured out if it's me or just the rest of the world that I need to blame. What I want to know is the why. The why nothing ever comes easy to me. Why everything seems like an unobtainable goal. Why it seems so damn easy for everyone else to get it altogether while I'm still fumbling around in the darkness trying to pull myself together.
What happens when you're thankful for what you have but know you're still missing crucial elements of what you need? I don't want to seem ungrateful - and this is how I usually put it in my prayers to God - but if someone could clue me in on what this big lesson I need to learn is, I'd like the opportunity to right whatever wrong I'm guilty of. You know, wipe the slate clean, start all over again, make things right, fix what's broken, get on with things, move forward in a new direction, turn over that new leaf...
Instead I keep getting tested, and re-tested, and then tested some more. It's like a boxing match... In this corner we've got Tate, Tate who is unhappily married but would like me to count him as a do-able option. While in the opposing corner Chance is hoping I'll consider taking up where we left off - but really, after the whole night spent half alone in Vermont, I think I've already had my wake up call with that one. Meanwhile in the corner closest to me, the man I want to be in my sights is nowhere to be seen. And it may just be my wake up call was eight months ago and I'm a little late on answering it...
The last corner of course is mine and without a doubt I have been and can be my own worst foe. I can fuck myself over quicker than any man on this planet. Find me a wall and I'll make sure I find a way to run into it at least twenty times before I find my way around. And while it all sounds quite funny in a she just fell out of her chair and broke her elbow sort of way, I can assure you that after the first few years of getting it wrong, I did eventually think I was going to get it right... But I guess that joke it on me because seriously, who knew I'd be so damn good at getting it wrong?
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