Yet another step on the road to moving on and getting over it ... eventually.

Today I cleaned out my email files at work because I have a tendency to not double delete them when I should. It was amazing how many I had stashed away like a little pack rat. Some made me wonder why on earth I had even bothered to read them, let alone save them and others brought wistful smiles to my face. But I took a big step today, although granted in the scheme of things, it probably only counts as a minor baby one ...

Today was the day that marked the deletion of All Things Nick . Not his real name of course, but for all intents and purposes close enough for me to get my point across. At first I was tentative with my delete key, reading each cherished email one by one before silently clicking on the button that would make it all go away. But as the emails began to trickle down into numbers far less than when I started, it began to get easier. As if getting rid of the tangible memories freed me to let him start becoming a thing of my past.

Which doesn't mean that it didn't hurt, because it did in this odd hollow sort of way. But that's the thing about growing up, you learn as you go ... Sometimes you know you have to do the things that are going to hurt, just because it's the right thing to do. In my own way, I will always love Nick. He was everything I ever thought I wanted and needed in a man. His friendship, his encouragement and everything that makes him who he is, is something I came to value, and I know I will miss him as a constant presence in my life. Elton John may have thought that "Sorry, seems to be the hardest word." but in reality, I think goodbye is at best the hardest. Sorry after all, gives you a jumping off point from which to start again, goodbye is always the end.

I can only hope that someday Nick will be able to forgive my cowards way out of not saying goodbye. I guess I was hoping that maybe I shared the same amount of importance in his life, as he did in mine and maybe he'd find that he missed me more than he thought he would or even could. I never said I wasn't still willing to hold out for hope. But, even I know that fairy tale endings aren't for everyone and that's why I didn't bother with the goodbye, because what I really wanted to hear was an answering hello. Not the fairest thing I have ever done and maybe not even the wisest but probably the only choice that I can honestly say I have ever made for myself alone. I just wish that I could forget all about you, maybe then I wouldn't be missing you so much.

Though nought of me remains save smoke drawn out across the windless sky, yet shall I drift to thee unerringly amid the trackless fields of space. ~ Lady Murasaki, The Tale of Genji (c.1008)