I am a re-reader. I think I've mentioned this before.

I'm not one of those kind of people who believe that once a book has been read, it's needs to be given over to the local library to line their dusty shelves so someone else can gain the benefit of reading a good book.

Nope. I'm selfish with my books. Ask my Mom.

Even as a child, my books always had a special place. The one thing in my room that I always took care of. Books were like gold, precious pages of pressed ink. I remember just how excited I would be, just by opening a new book, and hearing the small cracking sound as the spine stretched open, unlocking its treasure.

I was the kind of kid who got goofy over book plates.

The "This book belongs to Stacey" in an assortment of designs, that I'd sticker very neatly on the inside cover proclaiming my ownership to hasten its return, just in case I actually let someone borrow a book.

But I almost never let anyone borrow any of my books, and for good reason.

Books have rules.

An average reader doesn't understand the complexities of the attachment issues associated with a true reader. They don't get the gist, that by loaning them a book, it's like trusting them with a small child. And like a small child, you expect to get the book back in the same exact condition it was given.

I know of no other way to better kill a friendship, then by loaning out a book, only to get it back in a condition to deploreable to mention here. After such an experience, I admit I was unwilling to take the chance that my books would ever be treated so callously again, thereby giving birth to the following.

What Not To Do With One of Stacey's Books ... A list.

Bookmarks
Have one, use one!

No dog ears, no upside down tepees to break the spine, no heavy objects set on top of the pages to weigh them down.

I saw this once, and was quite shocked. A glass of water, almost full, set directly in the center of a book, precariously holding the pages down as the reader was off and about doing something else. I couldn't help myself, I removed the glass of water, found a small strip of scrap paper and marked the book where the reader had left off. But I knew, if someone could do that to one of their own books, they wouldn't hesitate to do it to mine.

Improper Book Usage

Speaking of which, my book is not a coaster. When you're not reading, don't think to use it as a beverage holder, bed lift, or appallingly true, a trivet. The only things that belongs on my book is one thing ... Your hands. And they better be clean!

Where not to read my books

In the kitchen cooking spaghetti (sauce), in the bubblebath (suds and water), in the bathroom ... Hey! If you own it feel free to read in the "reading room", but if it's mine, you better find your seat somewhere else!

Stray lines, doodles and other kinds of drawing

And less I forget, pens and/or other writing utensils are expressly forbidden from coming into any contact whatsoever with any part of my book, regardless of any reason.

And finally the contract

I {insert your name here} do swear to borrow this book and follow all of the stated rules above so that upon returning, said book will be given back in the exact same condition as it was given. I promise, that if I fail to return the book or return the book with (a) broken binder, (b)wrinkled jacket and/or cover (c) bent pages (d) water marks and/or other assorted food matter and/or (e) any other assorted damage not listed above but not approved of by owner, that I will (a) replace the book with a new copy or (b) give Stacey money to cover the cost of the damage so she can buy a new copy and (c) never, ever in my entire life ever ask to borrow a book from Stacey again as I failed to adhere to her book borrowing rules and have absolutely no respect for anyone else's property.
I am an illiterate scumbag.
Signed {Your Name Here}