And on the Other Side

"I shall live bad if I do not write and I shall write bad if I do not live."
- Francoise Sagan, in The New York Times Book Review (1956)

I'm supposed to be making brownies right now for tomorrow's company picnic. But instead I've been sitting here for the past few minutes, staring out the window at cows in the field across the road, watching as their tails flick back and forth waving away what must be flies.

I'm not all that keyed up to go to this years picnic. A few months ago, I had the idea that this year was going to be different and that for once, I didn't have to feel like a loser - for lack of a better word, which there is not - for once again showing up dateless.

It's gotten so bad, that even the young chippies at work, barely out of their bubble gum and braces make snide comments when passing in the hall. And it's my husband this, or my boyfriend that and how can you stand being alone?

Barraged by their questions and their opinions, I seldom stop long enough to impart knowledge where there is no light. And yet, I try to remember myself at their age, that blissful ignorance of youth, and wonder if I myself was ever that naive to think that my entire existence must evolve around men.

Still there is small part of me that wished I had someone I could lean on. Someone to call in times of crisis and someone who would say, "What can I do for you Stacey?" rather than "What can you do for me?"

I don't pretend that I wouldn't find it nice to come home to someone waiting for me to walk through the door, and ask me how my day has been. But at the same time, I have learned that it is possible to live without as well.

Being single isn't all that bad when you think about it. I have a certain freedom that you cannot have when in a relationship. And after 10 years on my own, I imagine it would be hard to live any other way. Of course, I've never had the opportunity to prove myself wrong ...

So what is this post all about. Quite frankly, I don't have a clue. But since I was here, I thought I'd just say what was on my mind.

Off to make brownies. If you're nice, maybe I'll save you one.