Searching For My Yellow Brick Road

Guilty though I may feel for giving those of you who read this blog nothing to read for the past few days, I've come to an understanding - if only with myself - that there are moments in time when I simply must choose to walk away from my computer.

As for my thoughts, well... They're all still here, waiting patiently for me to deal with them one by one. The only problem is I'm not sure just how to deal with them at all. Answers that seem like they should be easy don't feel easy. And maybe that's my problem... Maybe it's me whose not willing to put in the effort anymore.

Weeks like this make me feel a little lonely. And since I've a penchant to lean towards the depressed end of things, it's never a wise idea for me to give in to the feeling for too long. What I should have done this week, a week with my daughter away at her father's, I didn't do. I chose to spend my free time behind my desk at work, putting in the overtime, catching up on things I couldn't get to during the regular business day... Even the night time janitor who cleans the office mentioned it to me last night. "You must be really good at your job," he said. "You're always the only one here so late." And while I am good at my job, the truth is I use my job as a distraction from having a real life. It's easy to say you need the overtime when you're living on a single income. It's harder to say that you've no life to go home to.

Now don't go getting your knickers in a twist. When my daughter is home, I have a life. And that life revolves around her. But this world doesn't need another Mommy Martyr and my daughter needs a better example than a woman who merely exists just to get by.

The truth is I get to the point where I just say that right here, right here it's good enough and I stop pushing myself to get those things that I really want. And to me the answer is easy... The moment it's sink or swim, I start doggy paddling my way back to shore because it's safer there. Safer not to try than to try and fail. And failure is not something that I want to find out I'm good at doing.

There's a secret notebook in my head and everyday the same list of wants waits to be checked off. That list hasn't changed in twelve years. Everything that was on it, is still on it because I haven't really tried to check them off. Sure I've given it a half hearted effort every now and then but I haven't really meant it. And now all I can think about is how much time I've wasted, waiting to be me.

I feel like a skip on a record. The girl who got stuck. Stuck in a storyline she didn't write, handed the lines to her script and told to read, no improvising... It's easy to find an excuse when you want one. To find that place on a timeline where you can point out the exact time and place where things went wrong. It's right here I would say. I could tell you the year, the month, the day, the hour, the very minute on the clock when it went wrong. But what good would that do me? The past has been written, and right now it's my future that I'm worried about.

What I want is start checking that list off of the things I want to do but haven't done. What I want is to dream big and let no moment go by wasted or unused. What I want is a commitment to myself from myself, a promise to see things through.

So what I'm really saying here is that we're about to share some incredible moments. Posts that will make you want to slap me silly, posts that may have you laughing before you've read it all the way through, posts that may trigger some thoughts about your own life and the progression of where you are to where you'd like to be... And since we all know it's far more easier to accomplish random goals with friends, I invite you to be a part of this journey with me. Pick something from your own imaginary list, and go for it...

We've nothing to lose... And everything to gain.