Anger, Frustration, Tears...

I am wrung out. Tired of my emotions. Trying to communicate with someone who barely makes a sound, who cannot look me in the eye, who has nothing at all to say. We have been too long separated. You on your side of silence and me on mine, unable to see the errors we both have made.

I forgave you long ago for all your faults. Maybe I should have said that sooner but I was much too mad to mention it. I popped your balloons instead. One by one until the table was littered with abandoned ribbons and a birthday card ripped in half. And I left them there for you to find, a message from me of how I felt. Tossed out like a ribbon, and replaced with something new.

And I remember watching you from my bedroom window, your black jacket and black hat distinguishing you from the whiteness of winter snow, walking towards the house with Christmas presents in hand. But I would not see you and I sent you away. And I pretended for years that you did not exist, that I'd made you up like a child would an imaginary friend. But you were not my friend, and then after a time you were not my father anymore either.

Four years. Or was it more? After all these years I've lost track of all the conversations we've never had. We speak of each other to other people who will listen to what we have to say, who will pass on important information like informants and secret spies. We care, but we care incognito, remaining always at a set distance safely away. Beyond approach, beyond reproach...

But this is where it hurts for me. The reason why I avoid breaching these boundaries we've so carefully constructed and employed. Because I have so much, so damn much to say and I walk out of that hour of sitting across the table from you with nothing said, and nothing changed and no future promise of repairing the damage that we've done.

And I want to punch holes in walls. Scream until my face turns blue. Shout with everything I have to make you say something more to me than a quick hello followed by an even shorter goodbye. But I don't know how to do it. And I get so tired of the trying that I don't even try as hard as I used to anymore.

And you are the lesson that I have learned. The reason, as you used to say I needed to give me something truly important to cry about.

But tears, even mine are useless... Leaving me only with a headache as they wash themselves away.