How To Clean Your House and Pretend You Like Doing It

Lesson One: Lie, lie, and lie some more...

The art of truly getting down to the business of getting your house cleaned up is to pretend you enjoy cleaning. Yes. I said pretend. Because as far as I know there is no one who loves to clean just for the sake of cleaning itself. And if you do, well far be it from me to point out that you have problems... Serious - you should consider seeing a doctor - problems...

So pretend... Pretend that you love the clean smell of lemon polish more than the orange fruitiness of grime remover, or let your true appreciation be of a more subtle flavor arrangement, say like the mint aroma of toilet cleaner. Either way, imagine these wonderfully chemically altered smells to permeate your senses, allowing you to reap the full benefit of cleaning for what it is...

Lesson Two: Live as if any minute your Mother might pop over for a visit...

Nothing in this entire world makes me get my clean on more than the thought of my Mother knocking on the other side of my door. Now this one is a small stretch for me as my Mom currently resides in North Carolina but living with the pretend fear that she could - at any given moment - decide to pop in her car for a twelve hour surprise drive by and visit, I've begun readying myself by seeing my house through her eyes...

In other words, I really ought to dust more than I do, the pictures on the wall are most certainly crooked, and if there's laundry out and about in places it shouldn't be, it's a sure sign that it needs to be put away pronto.

Lesson Three: Never Break Longer Than You've Already Cleaned...

If you notice that your breaks are lasting longer than your actual cleaning times, you've got a problem more commonly referred to as avoidance. But fear not my dear friends for with one simple trick you can turn this all around. In fact, it couldn't be easier.

The key to re motivating yourself is combining step one and step two along with having to separate yourself from your ass and anything it could possibly sit on until you are done with all your chores.

Believe it or not your ass will thank you, your couch will thank you and your house, your aromatic, gleaming with clean house will thank you just as soon as you are done.

Lesson Four: Start In the Room You Dread the Most...

I normally like to start in my living room because my living room is the easiest of all my rooms to clean since it never really gets all that out of hand which is why I can no longer start there. You see the thing about clean is that once you get one room done, you either motivate yourself for more or get so content with how good that one room looks that you fall victim to the take a break and never get the rest of your rooms done syndrome.

Which is why when I get going, the only room for me to start in is my combination kitchen/dining room. Any place else and I doom myself to failure before I've even broken out the broom, dust pan and mop.

Knowing my kitchen as I do, I'm aware of just how tricky it can be. Which is why I start first by loading the dishwasher, cleaning the counters, reorganizing the cupboards, cleaning out the recyclables and taking them downstairs, tying up the garbage to follow along with the recyclables and then approach my sink with trepidation.

Because it's my sink that tries to implement a detour. A detour known as soaking.

Yes. I said soaking. The mythical place of pots and pans that for some reason or another you've decided need to soak for three days before you can even entertain the thought of scrubbing them. But don't be fooled. Because soaking can only lead to one thing... And that's more soaking. Three weeks worth of soaking to be exact.

And once a dish is regulated to soaking in the sink, it's almost impossible to come clean until you risk those dish pan hands of yours and sink them deep into the soft and slippery pearlescant bubbles with a scouring brush in hand.

I truly believe (as my boss is known to say prefacing just about everything he says) that if you can clean out your kitchen sink from any and all things that might be in it, there is no way you can lose out on the cleaning game...

As for me, my ass has been immobile in this chair for far too long, and my break has now exceeded the time I've spent cleaning my house this morning which means...

I love cleaning so much I can't bear to think about blogging anymore right now...

So ta ta... I'm breaking out the feather duster and going to town!