Coming To My Census

Holy Census Bureau Batman!

I just (finally) finished filling out their incredibly long (winded) form, and all I have to say is, "Does it really need to be that long?" Talk about ridiculous! Between the directions and the questions themselves, I feel as if I just finished taking a final exam. Although, it's not like I'm going to be graded or anything but still, I can't say I'm too thrilled with the amount of personal information they required. If you ask me, they're just being a bit over the top nosy. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn't have been surprised had I seen this question ...

Question # 1248 (Please place an "X" in the appropriate box)

Please give the approximate amount of times you engaged in sexual intercourse during the last 12 months. (Choose from the following:)

A. [ ] More than 100. (Give yourself a pat on the back.)

B. [ ] More than 50, less than 100. (Still looking pretty damn good.)

C. [ ] More than 25, less than 50. (Things are starting to look bleak aren't they?)

D. [ ] More than 10, less than 25. (While this is sad, it's still a step above pathetic.)

E. [ ] More than 0, less than 10. (Someone is scraping the bottom of the barrel here.)

F. [ ] Zero (Kleenex anyone?) * If you've checked this box, please proceed to Question # 1248-A

Question # 1248-A (Please place an "X" in the appropriate box.)

Choosing from the following list, please select the reason that most correctly answers why in the past 12 months you have not had sexual intercourse once.

A. [ ] I am currently in training to be a Nun.

B. [ ] My standards are still too high and I am not yet desperate. I am completely convinced that this is just a momentary lapse of action.

C. [ ] Abstinent by choice ... Yay abstinence!

D. [ ] I believe in achieving spiritual satisfaction through the art of self love.

E. [ ] I'm still getting over my last disappointing encounter. (And am convinced that this is just a momentary lapse of action.)

F. [ ] Trust me, I'm not happy with this situation either and am doing everything in my power to correct it as quickly as possible. Who has time for standards?

G. [ ] I've been married so long, I don't bother to wake up anymore.

This is where I should apologize to anyone I've offended, but since I've given that up for lent, and damn I am doing swell considering I am so much ahead of the game at this precise date and time, mum's the word on bogus apologies.

I do hope however I made some of you smile tonight with my - far from the beaten path - sense of humor. Life is no good if you're going to be serious all the time ...

Whoopee cushions for all! And until tomorrow - to borrow a line from Kidd Video - Catch Ya On the Flipside. (Take that Master Blaster!)