I am so tired this morning, having had nothing but disturbing dreams to keep me company all throughout the night. They felt so real, that if you had asked me, I would have told you reality was the dream. Well, maybe all except for the part where I was holding these really big timbers of wood, with electronic fuses at the ends, while standing in about a foot of water, on stage with a whole audience in front of me, looking exactly like Nicole Kidman. That little snippet, as real as it felt, may have been enough to convince me that I was indeed in the world of dreams.

Have you ever had a dream that gets your blood boiled though? This morning, I was ready to tear my ex to shreds, because even in my dreams, he still thought that he was the boss, telling me what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, and calling all the shots when it came to KC. During one part, I remember KC and I being snuggled up on a camping trip, trying to keep warm and sleep, when he, out of nowhere, decided that KC should be with him and I should be left out in the cold with no blanket and no means of staying warm.

From somwhere, I hear Linda from work, telling me to analyze my dream, to question why things are as they appear to be within the dream. What is it, that I fear most? This she says, is the question I must answer. I don't even bother to think about it, knowing the answer has always been there. It's all about control and my having none of it. The fear that I will never be able to stand up to the choices that other people make, and how those choices will affect me. My greatest fear, playing the pawn in a game not of my own choosing, where my survival depends on the mercy of others. Control of your own destiny is the hardest thing to lose, because even after it has been regained, you always doubt that you'll ever really have it again.