Today started off just like any other day when I mistakenly press the wrong button on my alarm clock, and wind up turning it off, rather that just hitting the snooze. Iiieee!!!! Nothing but rush, rush, rush, rush ... Jump in the shower, jump out, race downstairs, search laundry room for something resembling clean clothes. Dry hair, apply make-up, forego curling iron, opt for messy wind blown look, tame it down some as to avoid wind tunnel comments made by uninformed male co-workers that this look is actually in, in, in ... Stop and breathe, but just for a second ...

Yell upstairs to KC, time to wake up, rise and shine, zipadeedoodah, let's go! Make second trip into laundry room, to find clean clothes for minor child, make mental note that laundry really needs to be folded and taken upstairs and put away in dressers. Dressers? Yes! Large hollow objects with sliding attachments that store miscellaneous items of clothing ... And all this time I never knew! Then it's brush the teeth, don the shoes, write bus pass, dig for lunch money, pack the bookbag and out the door. A quick kiss goodbye, have a nice day, remember your manners and a farewell wave, child is given into the hands of morning sitter and Mom is hustling and bustling to get to work on time.

Coldplay in the CD player, window rolled down to half way, watching for wildlife on the way to work. One mallard, two Canadian Geese, one Blue Heron and a near miss as I direct the car back from the shoulder of the road. Reminding myself (again) to pay attention, wondering why I suffer from chronic Auto A.D.D. ... Get to work, record time, feeling it's going to be a good day, a one duck, two geese, one heron sort of lucky day. But then it's gone. Standing there, trying to understand what it is I'm seeing. Panic! Set off in a run towards the front door and into the office. Breathless, in John's room, words moving a mile a minute through my lips. "Do you know? CPR! Call 911 ... Need an ambulance!"

Shaking, hands won't be still, blood pumping, heart thumping, waiting ... Waving arms to the rescue vehicle, that way, that way ... How fast everything is moving, how slow it seems to be, watching. A hysterical woman, dark hair, being held as the crew works over the man lying there in the middle of the parking lot. They've taken off his shirt, he's not moving. How long has it been, how long? Pumping his chest, giving him air ... Nothing! Still nothing. More time passes, it's been too long, too long. I can feel the woman's tears, my God, my God. And then it's still. The parking lot is silent, the rescue men back up and move away. Heart attack, I hear someone beside me whisper.

Quietly we walk back into the building. "Are you ok?" ... "No, are you?" I'm in shock. My God, a man just died in our parking light, right in front of me. I can't help but think that wasn't how it was supposed to happen, he wasn't supposed to die. We did everything right, he had immediate CPR, the rescue crew was there within seconds ... Everyone tried to make him live. Why did it end so wrong?

I sit in my office. My phone is ringing, ringing, ringing ... How can I answer my phone? I just watched a man die in the parking lot. Why is my phone ringing? Tears are streaming down my face, I can't stop shaking. I can't imagine what his wife must be feeling. How can I possibly talk to anyone, when I can't even breathe in enough air? I take a moment. Everyone is kind of quiet, but soon work begins. The humming of the printers the first noise to invade the silence, talking resumes, people are walking up and down the halls, someone laughs. Life goes on, except for the man who just died in the parking lot. Someone says they have loaded his body into the ambulance, to go to the hospital, the wife has gone too.

My phone is ringing again. This time, I know I have to answer. I catch my breath and say hello. The man on the other end is cheerful, he asks me how I am today. I answer that I am fine, I don't mention the fact that I just saw a man dying in the parking lot. He wouldn't want to know that. He doesn't even stop to question why my voice isn't the same sunny sound he is used to hearing. He places his order, I read it back and thank him for his call, replacing the receiver back into its cradle. Time moves on.

Sirens

Somewhere in the distance
sirens scream.
Echoing across wind blown fields,
(RUSH)
until the sound is gone,
fading further into a distance
that hearing cannot measure.

I wonder if not hearing the sirens
has lessened the emergency.
But even moments after the thought has crossed my mind
it is almost forgotten.

Somewhere there is someone living this moment,
the sound of sirens ringing in their ears,
attached to the drama of a speeding emergency
blazing down the highway beyond the field,
en route to a destination unknown by me
to a fate unknown.

In these moments I know I have heard
the minutes of a ticking clock.
The sound of life, death, joy
and despair.

Still I go on as before
the sirens no longer disrupting
what remains of this morning. ~ Stacey * written 07-06-2000

How odd, that this poem I wrote three years ago, reflects so much of this morning. You just never know.