If I Wrote You
Dar Williams

I never thought you were the letter writing type
So now I see the words you chose the way you write
So I started to write back about the trees in the snow
And I saw a bird, couldn't see what it was but I thought you'd know
You always surprised me

And when the spring came and flooded all the streams
It's like how you got the night you told me all your dreams
And when the barn roof sagged after an icy bout
It's like how you got when you knew the truth was the only way out
But not the only way

And if I wrote you
If I wrote you
You would know me
And you would not write me again.

We drew our arms around the bastard sons
We never would drink to the chosen ones
Well you know the way I left was not the way I planned
But I thought the world needed love and a steady hand
So I'm steady now

And I'm so happy
I had to tell you
And I love you
And you will not write me again
You will not write me again
You will not write me again


I never seem to stray too far from the topic of love ... I guess the fear of impending spinsterhood can do that to a girl. The whole waiting for Mr. Right thing is ridiculous, especially when I'm more than willing to take Mr. GonnaHaveToDo. The only problem is, that neither guy, seems to be swimming in my particular circle of friends. So while there may be plenty of fish in the sea, it seems that none of them are biting.

Then there are those, who are firm believers, that love can be found with the simple click of the mouse. Try a dating site they say, what harm can it do? Well, let me count the tears ...

No good can come, from meeting a man over the computer. Right away you put yourself at a disadvantage ... Falling in love with words on a page, a mental image in your mind, and a dream of a love that will save you from your lonely nights. Except they don't tell you what to do, when the dream shatters, when your heart breaks and nobody, not even yourself, can begin to tell you how to fix it. I don't believe in it being better to have loved and lost, then never to have known love at all ... I'd much rather protect my heart, from an attachment doomed to fail.

These are lessons learned the hard way. I actually thought, that a computer flirtation, could be harmless. But then, what started out as simple fun, turned to friendship, and then to love. Of course, the love was almost all one sided. How easy it is, to hide behind a computer, where only your words, measure the sort of person that you are. In cyberspace, you can be anything or anyone, no one has to know, that you're really a weed, trying to impersonate a rose.

"O, what a tangled web we weave,/ When first we practice to deceive!"

Hell, even back then, Shakespheare knew the score. Knew of our internal attraction to the Masquerade Ball? Knew that a face behind a mask, was cause for intrique, a barrier between what was real and what was fantasy.

Don't we all pretend, at some point in our lives, that we are someone other than who we are? Someone more exciting, someone prettier, someone smarter? But what is love, if the very foundation it is built on, is a fortress of half truths and lies? The answer is absolutely nothing. You can neither breathe behind a mask or love from a distance. Sooner or later, you'll expose yourself, just to have a chance at true love. But, a truth told too late, is still a lie ...

So now I'm living my life, an unedited version of myself, putting things out there, speaking my mind, forcing honesty rather than censure. Telling the world, or anyone who happens to read my words, spread across these pages here, the truth as I know it and as it sees me. Because if I'm never good enough for myself, how can I ever be good enough for someone else?

When I first heard the song, "If I Wrote You", I thought I had written the words in my sleep.

If I wrote you
You would know me
And you would not write me again.

It reminded me of an email I had written, entitled "Hesitation's Answer" ... A love letter I wrote, between tears and truths, in hopes that there could still be a future. Unfortunately, happily ever after disappeared, just as the coach rounded the bend, leaving only a sad little pumpkin behind.

(I should warn you, I was big on elipses back then ...)

March 2000

I believe the question you asked was WHY? For the past few days I have tried to avoid that question like the plague ... You see it was never supposed to go this far ... or get so involved ... this "play" with you was supposed to remain uncomplicated ... harmless flirtation between two strangers ... no strings ... you would eventually go your way ... I would eventually go mine ... no chance for anyone to be disappointed or hurt ... but ... suddenly the world got complicated ... the more we talked ... the more involved we got ... the more dangerous the flirtation became ...

You once told me the thing you admired about me most ... what made me "different" from other girls ... was my high self-esteem ... It's not as high as you think ... I just put up an incredibly good front ... When you told me you were coming home ... I knew the moment would come for the final confession ...

the harder you pushed ... the more I pulled away ... wanting to run from a moment when truth would have to win over what I never had the courage to say ... and here tonight I have chosen to let that moment take its place in time ... because I can't live with "WHAT IF?" ... Because no one can tell me what can hurt worse ... taking the chance or living with never knowing what could have been ...

Do you remember a conversation we had back a little while ago ... you listed off some things that you would find unacceptable in a prospective girlfriend ... I could list off all the things that make me so right ... but ... I guess, it's what is "wrong" that needs to be said ...

Forgive me for delaying the inevitable ... You've been honest with me from the start and I never could "quid pro quo" that ... I just never thought anything would come from all this ... guess I was wrong ... but I've decided that I can't cry about this anymore ... and I need to be fair to you too ...

The decision to shy away from a one on one meeting with you, never had anything to do with you but everything to do with me ... You see I don't think the person you assume me to be, is the person I actually am ... at least not in the physical sense of the word ... I guess there is one requirement that I can't meet ... I'm a big girl ... (There is it, the truth I've tried so carefully to hide.) I don't apologize for that ... I just apologize for not having the courage to tell you that from the moment when it stopped being harmless ...

So now you know the answer for all my hesitations ... I can't control your reaction ... I can't know how this is going to end, unless I hit the "send now" button ... Just to let you know, I am calling upon all the courage I have at this moment to press that button ...

You see nothing scares me more than an ending ... I much prefer beginnings ... I will, at least, get some comfort, out of the fact that I won't have to live with ... what if anymore.

To recognize the truth, you must first bare witness to yourself, even if it means being Naked With the Lights On ... ~ Stacey 2003