A Quiet End to 2004

Dear ...

It's hard to be so quiet when it comes to you. I know we haven't spoken in almost forever, but I thought I'd write you anyway and tell you a little bit about my life this year.

In January I met a man, and for the first time in a long time, I felt real arms wrapped around me. And it was wonderful to feel wanted, nice to not be lonely, good to feel secure. I thought I could make it work - as if such a thing were possible - I thought it would be easy to let myself be loved and give that love back in return. But it turns out, I let myself be fooled by something that wasn't love. And it broke my heart, the heart that didn't love but didn't want to be lonely either. And I was sad, crying real tears for the emptiness that I felt inside. I wanted to call you up crying, to hear you tell me to pull myself back together, to have you say that I deserved something more. (Granted I knew I deserved something more, I just needed someone to agree with me.) And you were always so good at that, giving me encouragement when I needed it most. Like the time you told me that making rainbows was up to me. I could have any color I wanted, if only I would choose to do something, to do anything.

But as you know I didn't call.

Instead I managed to bring all the pieces of me back together, patching them the best I could in my fragmented but whole sort of way. For a while, I considered painting myself a sign to carry with me when I was out in public, "Broken but mending. Handle me with care." But when all was said and done, I decided my blog was a much better way to vent all my frustrations.

In family news, KC's gotten so big this year. She'll be nine in seven days. Can you believe that? You haven't seen her since she was a small, wee one still in footie pajamas, carrying around her sippy cup. She's quite the girl now, all grown up in a little girl sort of way. You would admire her moxy, the way she speaks her mind. She's got spirit I'll tell you that and she isn't afraid of anything, although sometimes I wish she wasn't so fearless.

We went to Mom's for Thanksgiving this year, stayed at her new house on the lake. And KC decided she wanted to give canoeing a try, so Mom strapped her into the life preserver and helped her find her footing in the boat, giving her a quick lesson on how to steer with the paddle. And off went my little girl, leaving me feeling as if I were watching her paddle out into the middle of an ocean, rather than the small lake on which she was on. I have to admit I was a bit scared, though I tried to cover it with humor, yelling from the shore that I wasn't about to jump in to rescue her if she should fall in. I can hear you laughing at that one, you know me too well, I would have been in the water without a moments hesitation if she had needed me. It's what Mom's do.

I'm still writing. Haven't quite finished the book yet, but every day gets me a little closer. Someday when it's done, I'll save part of the dedication for you, maybe even send you an autographed copy, along with all the other friends I've met this year. And I've made so many. Many whose faces I have never seen and voices I've never heard, but their words come to me so clear and unexpected that quite like an act of kindness, I am constantly thankful for the reminder that there is so much untouched good in the world. Who would have thought this simple little blog would have brought such joy to my heart?

In other news, I'm still working where I worked before. It's still not my ideal job, but it gets us through each week and so I'm happy to have it. I am however thinking about going back to school to finish my degree. Last night I was looking up courses online for the upcoming spring semester, wondering if there is a way I can fit that into my schedule. Perhaps with a little more thought, I can find a way to make that happen.

But listen to me going on like this when I should be getting ready. You'll be happy to know that I'm not sitting home alone tonight. Martin, Brenda and I are going out to dinner to celebrate the New Year and then maybe to the movies as well. That or we're going to go back to their place and just giggle and talk our way into the New Year. I can't think of a better way to spend it ... Well unless you were willing to travel a million miles or so, and remind me how clever you are when it comes to making comments on just about everything and anything.

All in all, it wasn't a bad year. See I didn't adopt a pity party me atmosphere at all. I learned a lot about who I'm still becoming and who I want to be now that I'm looking through the eyes of a thirty year old woman. And you know, it's not all that bad being me, being thirty. It's just another new beginning. A fresh go round. Oh lord, would you look at the time, a half hour to be ready and out the door ... Perhaps time management should make the resolution list for 2005. Which reminds me, I still have to write it ... I am if not always predictable, somewhat late.

As always I wish the best for you.
No closing needed.
Stacey