People are gluttons for punishment and I'm like a waitress, ready to dish it out on a bleak Saturday morning.

So I'm on my NWTLO screen name, browsing around the web, when an Instant Message pops up in front on me, from out of nowhere.

Who it is, I have no idea, other than he's yet another randy male looking for love on this high tech information highway. My blood began to tingle.

"Hello." said the moth to the flame.

So I'm feeling that a little sport this morning, might be just the thing to get my creative juices a flowing. Trust me when I tell you, that there's nothing better than messing around with the mind of someone you don't even know.

When trouble comes looking for me, my sarcasm is quick to come to the rescue.

Since the first guy bailed on me, after I told him I was a 99 year old woman with 13 cats, who once almost ran for President, but decided to back out of the election since I couldn't say that I had never inhaled, I couldn't help but tone it down just a bit for the next sucker, whoops, I mean guy that IM'ed me.

Rather than try to give you the play by play of how the conversation went, a little cutting and pasting will work wonders for getting the story told.

** Some names may have been changed to protect the innocent. **

ONCE ON A SATURDAY MORNING (a conversation)

Random IM'er: hello how ru today
Stay247: I am just wonderful. How about yourself?

Random IM'er: good here ty u wanna chat
Stay247: I might have a few minutes

Random IM'er: ok 30/m syr here and u
Stay247: 28/Information Withheld

Random IM'er: any pics
Stay247: Just one of my cat.

big typing delay ... I think he began to realize he should be scared.

Random IM'er: ok
Stay247: I should warn you, that the last guy I had a conversation with, thought I was a 99 year old grandmother who once opted for public office ...

Random IM'er: why did he think that
Stay247: Probably cause I told him that.

Random IM'er: lol nice
Stay247: you'd think he would have been a bit smarter to figure out I was lying through my teeth ... But nope.

Could I have just given this guy a bigger clue about what he was in for??

Random IM'er: lol ok. So what are you doin
Stay247: I'm at my sisters place taking care of her dog

Random IM'er: ok
Stay247: I can hardly stand all the excitement

RandomIM'er: so do u live in (deleted town name) urself
Stay247: Near there but not in the city

Random IM'er: ok (This guy says OK a lot!)
i have a pic in my profile if u care to see
Stay247: Depends ... Are you fully dressed? Cause once this guy sent me a pic and didn't warn me, and I almost fell right out of my chair in surprise! It was not a good surprise! (True story!)

Random IM'er: lol yes im dressed
Stay247: Whew ... Thank goodness. That sort of thing is a bit unhealthy.

2 minute delay of action pause ...

Stay247: Have you lost consciousness?
Random IM'er: i thought my pic scared u away

Stay247: Not unless it was invisible ... I didn't see a thing.
Random IM'er: did u click on the link at the bottom of my profile

Stay247: Oh ... sorry. I'm still a little bit computer illiterate this early on a Saturday morning.
Random IM'er: lol its ok

Stay247: hold on one second while I check you out
Random IM'er: ok

Stay247: How do you like that ... you can get ogled on a computer
Random IM'er: dont get to turned on now ok

Stay247: Of course, ogling is much more fun in person ... Not to worry, I'll keep the drooling to a minimum
Random IM'er: ok lol (OK ... He says OK just way too damn much!)

Stay247: a little blurry but clothed and not bad
Random IM'er: so tell me what u look like

Stay247: Well, let's see ... A whopping 5 foot 0 inches high, thanks to Mom, brown hair and brown eyes, thanks to Dad, blank (censored information) pounds, Thanks to Jenny Craig and weight watchers ... and mostly Italian.

Random IM'er: eeeeew Italian
Stay247: What do you mean by Eeeew?

Random IM'er: im kidding
Stay247: I was about to get my kick boxing gloves on
and go all samurai on you.

Random IM'er: oh cool i would like a good beating lol
Stay247: you and every other man on the face of the planet. You get zero for originality.

Random IM'er: lol so what r u doing today
Stay247: So far, wreaking havoc on western civilization and I'll probably move on to breakfast at some point.

Random IM'er: oic sounds fun
Stay247: Not really

Random IM'er: so ur 28 u said right
Stay247: I'll have to feed the dog too and he has this uncontrollable drooling thing.

Stay247: 28 almost 29
Random IM'er: any kids

Stay247: One, but I'm not sure he's mine
Random IM'er: lol

Random IM'er: so what r you gonna do tonight when we meet lol
Stay247: Hit you over the head and steal all your money.

Random IM'er: dont have any, im on welfare
Stay247: You too?

Random IM'er: yeah
Stay247: Isn't it nice they've hooked up all the shelters with computers?

(Yeah ... I know this is really politically incorrect. It's just the harmful side effects of sarcasm ... Take it with a couple grains of salt.)

Random IM'er: i dont have any legs either
Stay247: I've got 3, I could let you have one ... Course it might be too girlish for you, with the painted toe nails and all.

Random IM'er: i use to paint mine to lol
Stay247: I love a man whose not afraid to admit that!

Random IM'er: i let my daughters do that to me one time and i forgot about it and i had a date that night. it was funnier than hell, lol, but embarrassing lol
Stay247: Actually I think that would have been a very good ice breaker, although if you showed up in a dress, I probably would have been concerned ...

Random IM'er: well it was kinda, but i wasnt gonna go there lol
im not afraid to say i let my kids dress me up once in awhile, they like to do it

(At this point I was starting to get a little concerned.)

Random IM'er: would u like to dress me up or undress me ?
Stay247: Never on the first IM, I'm not that sort of girl!!!!

Random IM'er: lol. well u can wait till we meet tonight ok
Stay247: How do you know I don't already have a date

Random IM'er: because u dont
Stay247: are you psychic or something??

Random IM'er: yes i am
Stay247: And here I thought mediums were really smalls in disquise.

Random IM'er: so where r we going tonight
Stay247: Aruba, Jamaica (Oooh I want to take you ... Isn't it funny that a Beach Boys song started singing in my hear.) maybe somewhere off the Florida keys

Random IM'er: ok but u will have to push me around in my chair ok
Stay247: Not a problem, although I should tell you I have two left feet

Random IM'er: better than no feet
Stay247: I suppose you may have a point there, but I can't dance (and I can't sing ... I started humming out loud, trying to remember whether that had been Genesis or just Phil Collins, who sang that tune.)

Random IM'er: u think i can
Stay247: Well, you can roll around ...

Random IM'er: i can hop around on my little guy

(OK, that was a mental picture that no one, including me, wanted to see. I started wondering how I could end the conversation.)

Stay247: You know a dwarf? You really shouldn't step on him, it's not very nice!

(Right now, I'd like to take a time out to apologize to all the little people for my political incorrectness. It was wrong of me, but considering the other direction in which this guy was trying to get the conversation to go, I felt I had no choice!)

Random IM'er: i have a dwarf
Stay247: Is he one of seven? (OK, I was chuckling here, I have to admit it.)

Random IM'er: no he is by himself but he hangs with these two nuts that r always getting him into trouble

(Have I said Eeeww yet ... Cause if I didn't, now would be a good time. Eeeewww ... Way too much information there buddy!)

Stay247: I think you should get rid of him. That kind of person will always bring you down!

Random IM'er: well i already gave him a snip (I was so not going to ask what he meant by this.)
Stay247: That's it? He needs a full bobbit !!!

Random IM'er: well trust me it felt like a bobbittt lol

(This seemed like a good time to bring the dialog to a close.)

Stay247: Well, speaking of bobbits. I have got to go to take this little emaciated dog out for a poop run, before he takes advantage of the carpet .

(Don't you just love imaginary dogs? I know I do.)

Random IM'er: aww r u coming back to play
Stay247: I guess that depends on the dog ... (and I think he's in the mood for a very long bowel movement.) GTG, bye!
*finis

I should be ashamed, I should be very ashamed ... But, I can't really blame myself. It was him, after all, who IM'ed me ... I was just sitting at my computer innocently beginning to blog.