Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Bren...

Pretending Patience

Sitting here with a silly smile on my face, biting my lip to keep from laughing. In good company with good thoughts, eagerly anticipating the darkness that the night will bring.

And I am giddy... Filled with joy.

The calendar above my head, circled and starred counting down...

Seventeen days, and only four more hours to go...

Beyond The Mess

I cannot in good conscience spend one more moment in my daughter's pigsty of a room. I am disgusted, appalled, horrified and one step away from having a major meltdown of oh my God I can't believe the things I'm finding on her floor, beneath her bed, in her dresser, and anywhere else it seems I've managed to look. Granted I was a messy kid, and my parents had to - on more than one occasion clean my room out with a garbage bag and a shovel, but that was them and this is me and I'm not having it.

So I am officially taking a break, counting to ten, and letting KC take full responsibility for sorting out the rest of her room by sundown.

In Memory of Bernice

A faithful friend and companion.








May she walk the shallows and the shore forever more...

In the Meantime...

Awake again when I should be tucked away in bed, head on the pillow asleep. Resisting as I always am - one thing or another - the momentary urge to rush to the kitchen and make coffee to keep me company. Then again I have cats and I suppose at the moment they are company enough, even though I am quite sure now that the Internet cable outage seems to be due to some cat, her tiny little teeth and her penchant for chewing on cords. The offending feline of course has been put in mandatory time out, unlike a child however it's hard to keep her there and all it takes is one of those sad looks from her round cat eyes and I'm forgiving her just like that...

And now that I've proven yet again that I do need to get out more... I'm going to put you on pause long enough to run to the kitchen and find some sort of beverage (that does not contain even the slightest little bit of caffeine) to partake of.

Mmmmm orange juice and Advil. A thrilling combination to be sure.

But seriously, I do need to finish this off and see myself off to bed rather than keep myself awake any longer in my need to blog and blather on about goodness only knows...

And goodness really does know.

Who knew?

The Promise of New Beginnings

A laugh. A smile. A conversation begun. And a growing interest to know more...

And it's funny. When your heart hurts you think, no I'll never do that again knowing all the while you hope you will. And you regret wasting so much thought and time on a man who didn't spend any time at all thinking of you. And you can say this without your heart hurting all that much anymore, and you can see the why of why it wasn't meant to be. And you can feel okay about wishing him the very best while knowing that the best for you is still waiting for the right one to come along.

And it's time to really mean it now. To let the thought of him go. Because that's all he is now anyway. A thought as fleeting as a daydream, as fast as a cloud sailing across the sky. An ending to an old conversation that must take place so that a new one may begin.

Enough of Wednesday Already

So I'm exhausted. Tired enough to fall asleep standing up with both eyes wide open seeing everything and nothing at all. And I guess that staying up late to improve my skill level on guitar hero isn't exactly gelling with rising at dawn to ready myself for work.

I had more to say but my concentration just got busted from an incoming call...

More tomorrow if and when the bad news stops pouring in.

Venting

I decided to be mad today. Decided on my way home that I was really angry enough to spit nails. And it's a good thing I have something that occasionally resembles self control because I was tempted to pick up my phone and hand out some severe tongue lashings to more than a few of the people on my list of done me wrong.

And so I'm sitting on my hands. Sitting on them to prevent phone calls, emails, smoke signals... You name it. Because I respect myself more than my lonely little heart would like me to and second best or second rate just doesn't cut it with me. At least, not anymore...

Because I'm not desperate enough to want any man who isn't working his ass off to make sure he's got me. Because I'm worth more than a cheap one night you know what. Because anyone who wants to be in my life has got to show up, on time and in person.

But most of all because I deserve someone who loves me. Just the way I am.

Cause We've Got To Have Faith

I heard something tonight that made me sit up and take notice, enough to take the pen from behind my ear and write it down less I should forget. Our discussion tonight in small group centered on the beginnings of spirituality.

"I've always believed that God answers our prayers in one of three ways," said Marcia, "Yes, no or wait. And sometimes the waiting isn't really for you but for someone else who needs more time." And just like that, I got it in a way I hadn't quite grasped it before. Understanding it as the possibility that whatever the reason for the wait - it's not necessarily on hold because of me.

In other words... I'm okay. And it's alright to retrieve my self-esteem from the trash.

That my friends is a spiritual moment. The moment when your breath catches and your eyes boast a new awareness; a spark of knowledge that warms you from inside out. The moment when you know the past and the path you strayed from can coexist with the bright new future just ahead.

The lesson I walked away with tonight is simple. Ease up...

Don't be your own worst judge. Don't think because you're not where you want to be right now you've no hope of ever getting there at all.

Don't put life on hold to make it perfect. Don't believe you've got to be like everyone else to achieve your goals and dreams.

Believe in other people. Believe in people who believe in you.

Be thankful for what you have. Be grateful for unexpected blessings.

Be honest and true. And seek that same clarity in others.

Find joy and that joy will find you...

Mom On the Run

I admit it... I slept with the light on last night. Pretending it was only sheer laziness that kept me from getting out of bed to turn it off rather than cop to the fact that keeping it on made me feel better protected against the fugitive spider in my room. ('Cause everyone knows that spiders will absolutely not crawl into your bed just so long as the light is on.) And it was with this knowledge that I was finally able to fall asleep last night and stop worrying about whether or not the brown walls of my bedroom were camouflaging the little bastard. And as far as I'm concerned tonight, he took advantage of the opportunity to pack his bags and leave while I was at work today, leaving my room miraculously spider free.

Did I mention that I really don't like spiders?

In other news, no word on the Mom front which I'm guessing means she's yet to track down Bono or any of his affiliates. I do wonder however if she's having the time of her life, not that I actually have any doubts that she is. But it's just so weird, my little Mom is a world traveler. Experiencing new places, new people, and new things, and all without me...

And I've got to admit, I'm a little jealous. But in a very good way. I did tell her however that next year we'll be adding me to her carry on luggage. I don't care where we go (actually I do) just as long as it requires a passport and lots of dramamine to get me through the airplane ride.

Unfortunately I'm at my limit for blogging before bed with another early in looming large before me. And since tomorrow is an absolutely can't stay late at work night with a return of the Thursday night getting back to God dinner and discussions at church, I've got to take my lumps and go in at the ass crack of dawn... Or at least twenty minutes after my alarm initially goes off.

Ridiculous Ramblings

If I had a last nerve, I'd be down to it today. Between the minor child mouthing off, work burying me alive, and people being well people, I've had it from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. And I'm tired...

So much for that vacation doing me any good. My stress levels are back to being just as high as they were before I took the time off.

And this is possibly not a very good time for me to decide to try to negate some of my bad habits. I mean cause really... I want to cry myself right into a big bowl of ice cream right now and it's only by a thread I'm holding myself back.

I also want to go to sleep... But somewhere in my room there is a rather large spider lurking in the darkness just waiting to get me. And really, how am I supposed to sleep when there's an awful good chance that it could crawl on up and get all spidery on me...

If it weren't so darn late, I'd be breaking out my vacuum to go all Ghostbuster on its ass. For the sake of my neighbors however, I'm going to resist. Maybe I'll just sleep with a shoe or maybe I'll just sleep on the couch.

Or maybe I'll just stay up all freaking night long writing nonsense, listening to music like I am right now on my headphones. Northern Lad by Tori to be exact... Damn. I really should have gotten those concert tickets. I knew I was going to regret that one. I must have been having one of those crazy moments again...

I need to get out more.

Except Friday night is out as Bren and I are volunteering some time to the church, Saturday I've got to work for who knows how long during the day, and Sunday... Well, aren't I suppose to get at least one day of rest?

Which reminds me... Wasn't I invited to a party? And when am I supposed to go? And how am I getting there? Because no... I don't walk to camp out in a tent in someones yard, but driving home is not going to be an option.

Hmmmm... Decisions, decisions, decisions...

On another note, my Mom is on vacation in Ireland... She called me right before she left to board her plane and asked me what I wanted her to bring me back, and I asked for only one thing...

Bono.

If Mom brings him back, there will be no doubt that she is the bestest Mom in the entire world!

Recommendation for Reading

I had only thought to read a few pages. A chapter at most and then I'd put the book down and run out for a few minutes to do some quick errands. An hour and a half later, the book is finished and my errands have been moved to the to do list for tomorrow. One would think that I would know better than to bother picking up a book when I know that the only way I'll be putting it down is by finishing it.

This story however was a hard read. And there were times when I had to rest my eyes and give myself a second to breathe before continuing on. The book, If I Am Missing Or Dead - A Sister's Story of Love, Murder and Liberation by Janine Latus is not a fictional telling of something that might have been but rather a heart wrenching account of the silence of abuse, and the murder of a beloved sister. I won't pretend to think that I can do this book any justice by trying to sum it up in a few short sentences. I could, but I'm choosing not to. Advising instead that you read it for yourself.

I am however a big fan of borrowing an excerpt to share...

"If you see yourself in this book, you are not alone. I thought I was. Amy thought she was. But we weren't. I know now that if we had asked, people would have come, as they will for you.

It takes courage to change your life. Day in and day out, over and over, you have to decide to take the small, brave steps that change your future."

I know how important this message is to get out... Because it's not enough just to say it, or read it when it's easy to think that no, that could never be me. And the truth is, that's what I thought too. It took forcing myself out from my own denial before I was ready to face the truth of what I had allowed to happen... And it took twenty two days short of one year before I finally reached out and admitted to my family and my friends that I did need their help.

I only wish I'd called them sooner...

Giving Myself Over to the Muse

Another night spent with the headphones on my ears. It's like a new strange addiction for me. Entranced with all this new music and lyrics that actually mean something when they're sung. And I'm hooked, caught up in sounds. And those sounds become sights in my head like a motion picture movie. And I could watch forever...

And this is what I know is good for me to do right now. Going soul deep inside myself to try to figure out where it is I've been. And here in the darkness, I'm getting closer.

Life On the Ceiling

I sit here with my eyes closed.

Try to give myself over to the darkness and to the thoughts that only come when I shut down the thinking part of my brain. And then this damn song comes on out of nowhere and I'm pulled back into the one thought I don't want to have.

Just like that.

Thoughts I've been trying not to have anymore. Pointless ones in fact. One step forward, ten months back. And so much for saying I was through with entertaining them at all.

I want a memory erase.

I don't want to remember snippets of conversations anymore. I don't want to miss the empty minutes in an afternoon, the endless hours of the night, the early call of morning waking up alone without the motivation to get out of bed in a world that doesn't stop for broken hearts and wounded souls. Phones that don't ring, faces that come, faces that go, bodies that merge and break apart. Hopes that rise, and the reality that runs you over.

And still I can't believe that there are simple black and white reasons for every why that exists out there. How am I glass half empty girl when I always thought the glass was exactly at the level it needed to be?

Does this mean I give up the idea that on the inside we all want what's good and right? Does this mean I've been wrong for all these years?

Maybe I'm just that damn naive.


Soft, soft heart steeped in all this silence. Don't say a word. Don't shed a tear. And if you do, hide them all. All of this, every little thing is a circle game. Not saying the things we really need to say, wanting to believe the best of people, not wanting to condemn them before we're sure they've done us wrong. Wanting to forgive them when we know they have. Wishing that this big divide would take itself far, far away. So we could just live and breathe and be free of the masks of the people we pretend to be.

Why are we so scared to admit that we need to lean on those we love?

Why are we so scared that we're not enough if we're just ourselves?

Why do I feel that I can't honestly answer the question of who I am anymore?

Who am I beyond the roles I carry in my life?

And is thirty-two too young to be having a mid-life crisis?

Why am I losing sleep over all of this?

Because I'm not.

Not sleeping you know...

- What I wouldn't give just to forget. What I wouldn't give to get some rest. So I can remember how to live again. I want to live again... -

"What I Wouldn't Give" - Holly Brook - Like Blood Like Honey

Pulling a Mike Rowe.

I have to get up at a very unreasonable hour to go to work extra early in the morning to catch up on all the work I wasn't able to get finished today... And while I'm attempting to think of what I can blather on about tonight, I've got to tell you that I've got nothing. 100% nada.

And though I assure you that I could - if I really, really wanted to - continue on in this vein for a good ten minutes more, I'm going to save us all the trouble and go to bed. Because (a) I'm sleepy, (b) I'm not a morning person until about 11:00 am and (c) did I mention I have to go to work at a very unreasonable hour in the morning?


But here's an idea since I've been having some blank moments lately as to writing topics... I've decided to pull a Mike Rowe. And if you don't know who and I do say who Mike Rowe is, I direct you to the Discovery Channel where eventually you will find a man who does all sorts of nasty jobs with a smile on his face and for all intents and purposes a good attitude on screen. He's also (in my book) on the yummy side. In fact, if there was even the smallest chance that he could be convinced that cleaning KC's room fell under the heading of DIRTY JOBS, I'd be sending in my video application right here and now. (Besides I've already given up on the idea that my job would actually constitute one, that is unless you count some of the conversations I've been in on which are SO not my fault. I mean really, people tell me things and I'm just there to listen. A completely innocent bystander. A-yup.)

Anyhoo I was attempting to make a point as difficult as that can be for me... So here it is, if you have any ideas for something you'd like to read, feel free to send them my way... Who knows... I may even write something that's actually more interesting than how I spent my labor day cleaning my entire house!

Woo Hoo! The places we could go!

Toodles until tomorrow. This is me saying, brush your teeth, wash your face and get a good nights sleep.

A Day Full of Manual Labor

I got a slow start today but I'm only now just sitting down after having spent most of my evening cleaning like I haven't cleaned in quite a while. And all I can say is damn... I need a drink.

But the only drink I want right now is a tropical fruit smoothie from Dunkin Doughnuts and I'm not leaving the house to go get one. Besides we're having yet another sleepover as I have not yet learned the art of saying no and evidently meaning it.

I am not however making ice cream sundaes again tonight but mostly because I don't want to wait the twenty minutes it would take to thaw the ice cream out... I've been complaining since last October and more recently for the last three weeks to my landlord that something has gone wonky with the fridge. And wonky is putting it mildly as the freezer is snowing and turning everything in it to blocks of unbreakable ice and the fridge is barely staying cold enough to keep the milk from curdling.

The good news however is that supposedly he'll be delivering and installing a new fridge tomorrow... But like most of his I'll get to it eventually promises, I'm not going to believe it until I see it and he's not going to see the rent check until it's done.

Along with that, it's back to work for me in the morning and I'm not dreading it like I thought I would... In fact, I would almost go so far as to say I've missed a few people... Proving my point that I really do need to get out more.

Doing What I Love

I'm trying something new tonight. Listening to MSN radio to bring about some new thoughts by altering the sounds around me. The only problem is when I start to get a little too involved in the music, swaying along to the beat, I forget that what I'm supposed to be doing is writing, not getting lost in the song.

But getting lost is easy when the lyrics pull you in and the melody draws you near. You can't help but surrender yourself to a dozen different thoughts. Certain songs, certain artists, they can do that to you.

Tonight I feel a million miles away, I might as well be on the other side of the world. Nights like these when I'm okay with the darkness and the single candle lit within. Nights like these when I like being the only one here sitting alone in front of my computer waiting for the words to come. And when they do it feels like magic...

If you're like me, you know this feeling. You've felt it like the strength of arms wrapped around you. Holding you in, helping you up, giving you strength, letting you go... And when you're without it, your body always longs for that embrace.

Friday Highlights (Or Lowlights)

1. Had a nasty little spill earlier this afternoon that I'm only starting to feel just now. I laughed at the time, but I'm not laughing now and to make matters worse, I'm completely out of any over the counter pain meds.

2. I brake for chipmunks.

3. I realized yesterday that my daughter looks like a child sized version of Scarlett Johansson.

4. One fish in my tank has died due to an unforseen tank ailment, but I am currently treating the rest after having dashed off to the fish store, complete with a photo of one of my fish on my cell phone to show the owner so he could help me figure out what's gone wrong and help me pick out the right medication... My fish are addicts!

5. On the bright side, if they all die I've decided to switch over to a saltwater tank. The fish are cuter...

6. They're also more expensive.

7. The guy at the fish store thinks I'm a complete nut.

8. I really don't have anything to write about tonight.

9. I'm going to bed.

10. I have no life.

Normally I Don't Like Shopping...

Mid way through the non-sleep sleepover, the girls are still awake in the living room playing video games and giggling. I too am awake, only for the sole purpose of saying that I don't have to get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow to make me regret not yet getting myself to bed. And if that doesn't make any sense, not to worry, I'm not trying to make a lot of it right now anyway.

The girls and I however had a rather fun filled day. We spent the early part of the morning shopping the mall, hunting the clearance racks and having a bit of fun trying on fancy dresses (them, not me) just to be well... Girls.

From there we headed over to the movies and after an hours worth of previews saw "The Nanny Diaries" which wasn't as bad as the critics made it out to be unless you take in the fact that there wasn't all that much a point to it to be made. However as far as movies go, it wasn't one I walked out of wishing I had never walked in.

Back to the mall once more after that, I bought the girls best friend charms when their meager funds brought them up a couple dollars short, and then herded them off to the grocery store where they pleaded and begged (for about one second) to make ice cream sundaes tonight after dinner. Dinner being homemade chicken fettuccine alfredo (minus the addition of anything green such as broccoli) which both of them gobbled up like mini vultures despite the fact that I did honestly treat them to lunch, as well as the snacks we snuck into the theatre.

But I have to admit, the girls were impressed with the sundaes. Then again chocolate peanut butter ice cream with melted peanut butter, Reese's Pieces, whip cream and rainbow sprinkles hardly leaves room for any disappointment...

Why I'm awake and conscious at this point in my life I don't know. KC and I didn't get home until late last night and although I know I probably could have (a) stayed at Gram's currently closed down house which I'm sure by now has more spiders in it than outside it, or (b) called in a favor from my Mom's friend Janet, I decided to do the two hour drive home in favor of sleeping in my own house and my own bed. Needless to say four plus hours of driving, shopping, and attempting to keep Gram from taking everything I said the wrong way, I was pretty much done in.

I am however thankful that as usual I have some of the best guardian angels riding shotgun over my shoulder. Not even five minutes of popping on the thruway and KC and I were almost taken out by a tractor trailer hauling a double load who on the passing side of the lane decided he wanted to be in my lane and obviously didn't see us until I crossed over the rumble strips to avoid being crushed and laid on my horn like a madwoman to say, "Um hello, you want to not kill me today!"

Almost dying aside, KC and I showed up at Gram's in record time - or as I'll clarify by saying so my Mother doesn't think I was Speed Racer on the Northway - in the normal amount of time it takes me to get from point A to B. Anyhoo, we were pulling in to Gram's new pad, on our surprise we didn't tell you we were coming ahead of time visit, when we spotted this feisty little Gramma lady walking on the sidewalk at a rather fast clip, a turquoise visor on her head, a sporty pair of shades, and a cane that I know from personal experience can be downright dangerous depending on how fast you're able to move.

Pulling up along side, I rolled down my window, grinned like an idiot and said, "Excuse me Mam, I believe you have company."

Which would have been really cute had my Grandmother not been as quick with her own reply of, "Who?"

Needless to say Gram was quite happy to see us once she realized who we were. We parked the car, got out, gave hugs, and followed Grams down to the gazebo to check out the new fish in the koi pond. Fish she's secretly named Billie Boy and Millie May regardless of what anyone else wants to call them. Although I do believe she mentioned that there was some sort of contest to name the fish... However knowing my Grandmother as I do, it won't matter who wins the name drawing. As far as she's concerned their monikers are already in place.

Driving Along...

Heading out of town for the day, maybe the night... Not quite so sure what the exact plan of action is just yet. Do know that I am - for all intents and purposes - going home to the one place that if I were able to simply pack it all up and go, I would have been gone years ago.

Anyhoo it should be a fun day. KC and I will get to talk over a few things in the car, that is if she doesn't opt for playing her DS the entire ride, visit with Grams who doesn't have a clue were on our way, and maybe take in some shopping and scenery while we're there.

It's a lot to do in just one day and I probably should have thought this out much better than I did, but oh well... Moments like these you just got to fly by the seat of your pants and hope it all goes just as it should.

For those of you out there who may need to contact me, you know how...

Vacation: Day 1

Today marks my first official day of being on vacation and though I'm not going anywhere special, save for a few day trips here, there and home to the mountains, it's not going to be anything close to being an earth shattering week, which is exactly what I both need and want.

So as of today I'm not worrying anymore about what might be on my desk to do at work. I'm not going to check a thing. Not my email, my voicemail, nothing... This girl is going incommunicado for the next seven days whether anyone likes it or not because darn it, I deserve some down time.

For now however I'm waiting for KC to get out of bed. At a friend's house last night until late for a birthday/bonfire, she's taking advantage of Mom not having to be anywhere at all and sleeping in. Unfortunately she can only sleep for so long, and eventually I'm going to have to go in and rouse her from her slumber so we can get a move on the day. There is school shopping still to be done after all, and no better day than Monday to get it done when the stores aren't as busy as they can be.

As for me, I'm off to make coffee and maybe a piece of toast for breakfast, throw the load from the wash into the dryer, and then get myself motivated with a long, hot shower.

The Truth of What You Read

I don't want to be the woman who writes for the unseen audience. Trying too hard to gain readers by writing what she thinks they'd like to read, rather than writing what she knows she needs to. The kind who counts her success by the number of comments left on her blog. And while I want and welcome your comments, I remind myself that first and foremost I'm here to write for me.

Because it is for me that I write. In every way imaginable this is how I nurture, heal, forgive, celebrate and love myself into full being. And more often than not, I don't always get things right on the first try. And sometimes my second try isn't much better. But I do always try again.

I used to say that I was born a fighter, but the truth is I was born with a lover's heart, as are most of us. And it's only with time and many a lesson learned that we begin to identify more so with the image of a perpetual boxer dancing in circles around the ring than a free and open heart dancing with joy in a field overrun with flowers.

Women especially have learned that trust is a commodity they can no longer afford to give. They have been breached, they have been shunned, they have been put down, kicked out, walked on, disappointed time and time again, and taken for all they're worth and for granted as well.

And men have suffered too from this breakdown of the spirit. They have tried and they have failed, they have given in and given up, they measure themselves against a perfection that does not exist and refuse the simplest of all things to receive when they don't feel they're up to snuff.

And so we continue to build walls where hands once reached to stretch across the boundaries. A few bad apples and we're ready to condemn the whole human race, or at least every member of the opposite sex.

And I would not say that I am any different. A few bad apples of my own and I've been left with an unhealthy fear of men. In the grocery store, at the mall, at work, in the park, there is never a time when I am just at ease.

One of my biggest concerns a month or two back was going out on something as simple as a date. But for me, dating is not all that simple. While other women might fuss and worry about what to wear, I'm more concerned about whether or not I'll make it home. To me sizing up a man's potential to be violent is like taking into account the color of his eyes. If the lighting if off, you just might mistake a shade of blue for gray, except eye color doesn't predict who will and won't harm you.

And while it was funny (after the fact) that my date was dense enough to think that three dates gave him license to roam his hands over my upper body, daring even to flip up my top to get a grab in on the girls, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I was not finding it funny at the time. In fact, I didn't waste a second when it came to raising up my hand and slapping his away. Still I know how dangerous that situation could have been. A five foot girl against a six foot man wouldn't have stood a chance. Thankfully he left quietly and I haven't regretted it a moment since.

But my point is this, I won't always write the stories you want to read. And I won't attempt to be happy when I've a need to cry. And I won't ask you to always agree with what I have to say, or pretend you get it when you don't. But what I want most is to bring to light the things that have been left in the dark for far too long. To put names and faces to causes that aren't spoken about in any company, including your family and your friends. To admit by my own weakness, that things as surprising as they are to be true, happen each and every day to people you'd never think for one moment would find themselves living in a situation that is absolutely unbearable.

We all have stories. They can be the same and they can be different. But at their end, there's always something for someone else to learn.

Making Over Me

I haven't cared for the past few months. Haven't cared about taking care of me, or keeping up on all the little things that need keeping up on. Instead I went back into hibernation mode, to the one place where no one from the outside world could come in and rip the carpet out from under me. And I went on dates, well three dates with one person to be exact and decided after adding yet another fiasco to my long line of disasters with the opposite sex that I was done. Had to be done. Couldn't risk putting myself out there even one more time to meet yet another self-centered, glib talking, not ready for anything more than a booty call kind of guy.

But it turns out that I'm not quite willing to give up the ghost just yet or the dream of happily ever after. Climbing back into the driver's seat and getting myself back in gear is the hardest part. Half of the battle is just pulling myself back together, and after a few good doses of reality television, What Not To Wear to be exact last weekend while I was recuperating from some unknown illness on my couch, I realized that I wasn't doing myself any favors.

And so I went shopping, two nights in a row with only one thought in my mind. If it looks good on the hanger but not on me I wasn't going to buy it, and if it looked good on me and wouldn't totally blow my budget, it was going to be mine. Along with that I set my alarm clock to go off a little bit earlier, and though I'm far from being any sort of morning person when the option to sleep is on the table, I got myself out of bed, and put myself together with the sort of care I haven't bothered with for a while. (Shame on me...)

And people noticed. Which isn't really all that surprising when you go from not giving a fig to caring quite a bit because it does make a difference about how you feel about yourself and the world around you. Heck I even went out and bought my own ironing board to make sure my new tops (curve friendly without letting the girls completely on the loose) look just as good the second time around as the first despite my I hate to iron phobia.

When things need to change, it's always best to start with yourself...

Just Another Aha Moment

"Love," resumed Gus, when he had bolted another portion, 'is letting be. Letting the other be as they are. Like you with the napkins.' Of course my agitation had not escaped his notice. 'Wanting to help them be that, not by doing anything - you can't do anything for anyone anyway - but simply by wanting them to be nothing other than they are, because that's who they are so that is how you want them to be: as they are, whatever that may be. Just that. Easy-peasy, I don't think.'

The Other Side Of You
A Novel by Sally Vickers

I said the same thing myself. Not really realizing what it was that I was saying. But now I get it. For the first time in my life, I was completely and honestly in love with more than just the idea of what love could and should be.

And right now it's me who is a little bit amazed. I really did love him. Loved the person that he is, was, will be and has been.

I told him to just be. And though this may not seem like anything earth shattering to any of you, it's a downright amazing thing to me. This heart has never once found a man before him that made her feel complete or even strong enough to take a chance on something and someone. And even now, now that I know the ending that happened months ago was the beginning, middle and end, remembering the sound of him falling asleep on the phone, or all the other little words and phrases that became a language spoken between the two of us, well that's enough to warm my heart and make me smile and hope that he's out there being exactly who he is. No more. And no less.

Always Home

I feel like going for a walk but it's too late to go anywhere now. Still I'm tempted to throw on a pair of sneakers and say to hell with it and just go without any worry about walking alone. Common sense however will keep me inside. At least for now. At least for tonight.

I miss it though. Miss being able to go outside and gaze at a star filled sky. Miss falling asleep to the throaty calls of bull frogs in the pond and a chorus of singing crickets. Sounds that I don't hear here.

But it is exactly what it is. And I've got to get used to this. At least for now.

I'm thankful that I do have - all things considered - a pretty nice home to come home to. And my house agrees with me. Every color, every picture, every piece of furniture that I own, is a perfect fit. A perfect definition of who I am and what I like.

Now if I only had a yard and a tree to measure the passage of time.

Unexplainably Tired

Something has kicked my ass. Zapped away anything that might have been motivation today, keeping me confined to my couch, leaving me somewhere between wanting desperately to vomit out whatever toxin has invaded my bloodstream and sleep until the dizzy feeling in my head dissipates for the great unknown.

It started last night after KC along with two of her closest friends and I got home from spending an entire day swimming, or more accurately described as freezing in my father's pool. The girls went upstairs to supposedly clean KC's room, a task I've all but given up on at this point, when I felt the first twinge of exhaustion. TV remote in one hand, and my chocolate brown snuggle blanket pulled up to my neck, I stretched my entire five foot frame out on my couch, ready to watch an episode of Survivor Man. And that as they say was that. I was out for the count. Or at least out long enough for the girls to take notice that the TV was up for grabs.

But of course you don't really sleep when you've got that many girls camped out in your living room. And between the laughing, the giggling, and what evidently turned into a Guitar Hero marathon, I caught my sleep in winks rather than in the hours I would have preferred. Which may explain why I'm so out of it today, or at least add to the reason as to why...

And now, now I'm simply waiting for five o'clock to come so I can go collect KC from the friend's house where's she spent the better half of the afternoon. And all I can think is how I'm just too tired to make my way down the stairs, and down to the driveway and into the car and over to get her, just to turn around to get back to where I already am.

Work and Play

During the course of my work day, it's little emails like this that make waiting til five a little bit easier to endure... I've made it a little easier to follow along with, doing away with the all the back and forth in and outs of an actual email transcript... And now that my boredom has been alleviated, I'm off to read a little bit before bed.

-----Original Message-----

M: My customer decided not to go with the ----- or the -----. Sticker shock apparently.

S: Didn't you tell him to sit down first before you broke the news?

M: I was actually hoping he'd just go away altogether.. This particular job's been going on over 6 weeks now, & every single transaction is like yankin a tooth, or whatever. I know there's gonna be days like these, guess that's why there's booze.

S: Let me know when you need a sponsor for AA... I'll give you my number so I can talk you down from the hard liquor...

M: I was hoping rather you'd join me?!

S: Bad idea... I can't be trusted around that sort of stuff.

M: I'LL BUY!

S: You had me at hello...

M: You're a riot :)... Thanks for the comic relief ... Definitely needed it
today!

Why It Pays To Read the ENTIRE Instruction Manual of a New Appliance

You're a sly one Mr. Coffee and you almost pulled one over on me. You had me going last night, thinking that your cord was entirely too short to make sense, testing the limits of my patience when the truth was there was plenty more cord tucked away where I couldn't see. Or rather never thought to look.

Either way we make a fine pair. You with your fresh coffee ground goodness and me with my powers of observation and logical reasoning.

Decaffeinated

I'm so tired that I'm yawning every other second questioning my reasoning for still being awake. And honestly, there isn't a single reason at this point. I'm here because I had intended to post a story about my new bright red coffee grinder I purchased last night at Target and the subsequent use of it this morning... And how geeked up I was over just how good my coffee tasted along with a few words to ramble on about why it is the cord to the grinder was so short and how my own shortness should have equaled out the distance from me to the electrical outlet but didn't.

These were all thoughts I had in my head this morning when I was awake. They were much more laid out then, they had a rhythm and a pattern and now, now the only thing I want to think about is myself, in my bed, in my cool, dark room... Sleeping.

So I don't know... Maybe I'll come back to the coffee grinder story or maybe this will end up being all you'll get.

Who knows? At this point, not me.

Sunday Marathon

Okay so today seems like the day where I've gone a little post crazy... And I guess I have in my quest to catch up on all I didn't bother to put down this week when I was taking my little mini-break.

But since I've just come to the conclusion that nothing ventured is nothing gained, I thought I'd share with you that step two of get Bob to take me out on the date is now in motion. Or should I say that it just may be me asking Bob out on a date. After all, the worst he can say is no.

Now all I have to do is be able to look him in the eye and make my mouth work... Oy. I am so much better at flirting when I don't really mean it.

Fingers crossed people, God only knows what day I'll get my courage up to do it.

Something Lost... Something Found

Occasionally I like to read back through my archives just to get a feel for how far I've come from where I've been, and to see where it is I've still got to go... Tonight I came across this little gem I wrote in a reply to a comment my Mother had left me. I think it's a great reminder that life isn't always the smooth ride we think it should be.

Life is the ultimate blessing even when things have gone in a way that doesn't seem to coincide with our plans. Sometimes the new direction you find yourself going in, is the journey you were meant to take all along.

What You've All Not Been Waiting For...

Okay... So I said I would and I am doing so under a bit of duress I might add as this year's picture is nowhere near as good as the previous... Still I'm a woman of my word so one must do what one must do.

I am however worth a whole lot more than a mere $20.00! And my hair is not really that color, I just have a problem admitting that home hair dye kits are not for me and I always leave them on a bit too long which has this extremely bad habit of turning my hair a peculiar shade of brown/orange... Not exactly the look I was hoping for, but hey you do the math, seventy dollars at the salon or ten at home.

Is there even a contest?

The Whole Bean and Nothing But...

Here I thought I was doing so well... I went out to buy Dunkin' Doughnut brand coffee to make at home to save myself a few extra dollars a week by alleviating the need to run through the drive through each morning and what do you think happens? I go to make myself a pot of coffee this morning, open the new bag of coffee and come to the sad realization that I've one little problem...

I've no grinder and a bag full of whole beans!

Attention to detail is so not my thing...

Good Morning

My Mother is starting to confuse me with comments left under different user names. But I have to admit this Coyote Girl thing is weirding me out... I mean really... How many different personalities is one woman allowed to have? And should I consider this like some sort of cry for help? Or is this simply yet another case of Mom forgetting her password to her google account and needing to make up another to be able to leave a comment? Something tells me one of my guesses isn't too far off the mark... Then again, as I've already managed a conversation with her earlier on, it wouldn't be fair if I didn't admit that I already know the answer... Still it does make one ponder the question...

The "Binky" thing however has got to go. I don't know how many times I've got to object to this new found nickname that my Uncle Scott decided after 32 years I suddenly needed to have, but here I am, objecting once again.

I object. I object on the moral high ground of not wanting to be called Binky. And seriously, if I needed to have a nickname - which for all intents and purposes, I don't - Binky wouldn't even be my last choice, let alone a choice at all. And I've had nicknames, nicknames that don't need repeating... Although Brat was close to accurate, Spacey had a certain ring to it, and Stay Free was more atune to certain times of the month than anything else. However, if it needs repeating and obviously we've reached the point in the road where it does, I'm absolutely insisting that Uncle Scott reprogram his cell to read Stacey and not Binky when he calls me... And as for my Mother, need I remind her who (WHO!) is listed as her second health care proxy! One more word of Binky and I'm pulling the plug on the root canal!

Searching For My Yellow Brick Road

Guilty though I may feel for giving those of you who read this blog nothing to read for the past few days, I've come to an understanding - if only with myself - that there are moments in time when I simply must choose to walk away from my computer.

As for my thoughts, well... They're all still here, waiting patiently for me to deal with them one by one. The only problem is I'm not sure just how to deal with them at all. Answers that seem like they should be easy don't feel easy. And maybe that's my problem... Maybe it's me whose not willing to put in the effort anymore.

Weeks like this make me feel a little lonely. And since I've a penchant to lean towards the depressed end of things, it's never a wise idea for me to give in to the feeling for too long. What I should have done this week, a week with my daughter away at her father's, I didn't do. I chose to spend my free time behind my desk at work, putting in the overtime, catching up on things I couldn't get to during the regular business day... Even the night time janitor who cleans the office mentioned it to me last night. "You must be really good at your job," he said. "You're always the only one here so late." And while I am good at my job, the truth is I use my job as a distraction from having a real life. It's easy to say you need the overtime when you're living on a single income. It's harder to say that you've no life to go home to.

Now don't go getting your knickers in a twist. When my daughter is home, I have a life. And that life revolves around her. But this world doesn't need another Mommy Martyr and my daughter needs a better example than a woman who merely exists just to get by.

The truth is I get to the point where I just say that right here, right here it's good enough and I stop pushing myself to get those things that I really want. And to me the answer is easy... The moment it's sink or swim, I start doggy paddling my way back to shore because it's safer there. Safer not to try than to try and fail. And failure is not something that I want to find out I'm good at doing.

There's a secret notebook in my head and everyday the same list of wants waits to be checked off. That list hasn't changed in twelve years. Everything that was on it, is still on it because I haven't really tried to check them off. Sure I've given it a half hearted effort every now and then but I haven't really meant it. And now all I can think about is how much time I've wasted, waiting to be me.

I feel like a skip on a record. The girl who got stuck. Stuck in a storyline she didn't write, handed the lines to her script and told to read, no improvising... It's easy to find an excuse when you want one. To find that place on a timeline where you can point out the exact time and place where things went wrong. It's right here I would say. I could tell you the year, the month, the day, the hour, the very minute on the clock when it went wrong. But what good would that do me? The past has been written, and right now it's my future that I'm worried about.

What I want is start checking that list off of the things I want to do but haven't done. What I want is to dream big and let no moment go by wasted or unused. What I want is a commitment to myself from myself, a promise to see things through.

So what I'm really saying here is that we're about to share some incredible moments. Posts that will make you want to slap me silly, posts that may have you laughing before you've read it all the way through, posts that may trigger some thoughts about your own life and the progression of where you are to where you'd like to be... And since we all know it's far more easier to accomplish random goals with friends, I invite you to be a part of this journey with me. Pick something from your own imaginary list, and go for it...

We've nothing to lose... And everything to gain.

Roasted Nuts

Can I simply blog to say I'm too tired to blog or does that seem a bit ridiculous?

What can I say? My house tackled me and forced me to clean it up from top to bottom... Or to be more truthful, the rooms that really needed cleaning made me anti up with a dish cloth and a vacuum cleaner. Needless to say, getting the house back in order took precedence tonight over writing my Ren Fest review...

However I have to leave you with a highlight because I found it quite silly and funny and maybe a wee bit on the it had to be said side of a portion of a conversation. So there we were, heading downhill on a gravel path when a man carrying an unnamed number of roasted nuts in carrot shaped bags called out, "Would you like to grab me nuts?" And me, being the type of girl who is quick on the draw when it comes to comebacks, sidles up to him and replied, "Believe it or not, that's not the first time I've been asked that..."

Thus proving my point (yet again, and again) that my mouth works of its own accord.

Half Asleep

Octavia - the wack job kitten wants affection. Me, I just want sleep. I'm completely beat and the post I was going to write tonight about today's Ren Fest fun is going to have to wait until I wake back up... And since Tavi is intent on walking all over my lap top in her desire to gain my attention, it's probably best to just give up and write it tomorrow.

So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight...

Blog Before Bed

My daughter was just showing me her new travel blog her grandmother has inspired her to write in preparation for an upcoming trip to Ireland and KC not knowing what to write decided to start off her first entry by using a picture my Mom took last year while she was in Italy...

Since the minor child's blog is set to family members only, I'll recreate an exact copy of it here... Entitled "Leaning Tower of a Pizza." (Her words, not mine...)

Growing Up Slightly

I'm beginning to believe that my daughter talks more than I do... Something I might add I didn't think at all humanly possible. But for the last fifteen minutes - though it could be more - the kid has been singing herself silly in the living room. Something that I wish she'd stop doing since it's distracting as hell when I'm trying to find something to write about this morning. And if you ask me, she's doing it on purpose just to be, well... Hell bent on being eleven, which is synonymous with annoying for those of you who may be wondering.

In other news...

Tori Amos tickets went on sale yesterday for an upcoming concert near me and I - unlike the time before when I bought two front row tickets in favor of paying my overdue energy bill (which quite literally left me in the dark one night when I got home) I opted out. And as surprised as I am to say this, I really don't care. Maybe I'm growing up, and my hero worship levels are going down but it doesn't really matter anymore if I see her live or listen to one of her CD's while banging about the house. I guess and again I can't believe I'm saying this, it's just not that important to me anymore.

Meanwhile...

Susan and I are planning on taking our kids to the Renaissance Fair tomorrow since they enjoyed it so much last year they begged to go again. And like a Star Trek convention, there are those who go to enjoy it and those who enjoy it a little bit too much. Every year it gets harder and harder to pick the people out who get paid to be in costume from the people who merely wait for the opportunity to speak with phony English accents and wear clothes that do little to keep their breasts from spilling out in every direction. Thankfully I've yet to give in to this affliction myself, leaving my breasts sufficiently covered up (for the most part anyway) for the time being.

I do however look forward to what has now become a tradition of sorts for KC and I... And once again, we'll make sure to make a beeline for the caricature booth to get our picture drawn. What we'll end up being this year is anyone's guess... After all, once you've been a Princess, a Queen, a Fairy and an Elf... What's left?

I Am So "The Girl"

Alright. Alright. I know you're all dying to know if I went through with the whole I'm just dropping in to say hi and drool all over Bob bit, and I have to tell you that I one hundred percent did, and did for well over an hour. An hour of flirtatious eye contact, lots of shared smiles, and the all important tell Sheila everything I want Bob to know so that what I didn't get around to saying myself, I can depend on her to fill him in on the moment that I'm gone... (My Momma didn't raise no fool...)

And oh it went well... Very well. And yummy. Which was to say that he was, and I couldn't help myself from drinking in the sight of him. Which would make me sound a bit shallow until I follow it up by saying that Bob is one of the nicest men I've ever known. KC actually likes him too... But then again, I think she was won over the last summer we called home, well home - when Bob played cats in the cradle with her on the front porch.

But I'm getting ahead of myself... Today was only day one of Mission: Get A Date With Bob and there's still a little bit more behind the scenes networking to be done. Rest assured dear readers that the hook has been baited and the fish is on the line...

Silly and Serious

Tomorrow is THE day. This is what I've decided after weeks of thinking about it but doing nothing... And really, I've got a great excuse with KC going to spend the day with good old Grandpa tomorrow. I mean really if I'm already in the neighborhood, it would be absolutely rude of me NOT to drop by and say hello to Sheila, Jeff and of course, Bob... Sigh... Bob ... Available, guitar playing, church going, sweet and sincere, too good to be true country boy ready to settle down with the love of a good woman Bob... That Bob. And I am a good woman. An available, no longer waiting around for someone to get his head out of his ass, good woman.

On another note... A more serious note in fact, I could use a few get better prayers sent up in the direction of heaven. My cousin Matt is in critical condition with a serious head injury sustained from falling off a second story balcony earlier this morning, and while we did get the good news that his neck is not broken and he hasn't suffered any permanent paralysis, he's still not quite out of the woods. So if you could send one up, I know that everyone in my family, including myself, would appreciate your prayers.

Something...

Nothing...

Watching an interesting show on Bravo tonight featuring Whoopie Goldberg... And I have to say, I never really got just how cool she is.

Anyhoo... That's it.

More tomorrow.

Ummm... Yeah.

Getting the Message (Again)

It's been a few weeks since I've been to church... And while I never set out intentionally not to go, I haven't been going all the same. And I've found that when I don't go, when I don't commit myself to Sunday morning, it really does manage to throw me out of whack. Certainly an odd ball experience for a woman who for the past ten years has managed to avoid all forms of organized religion.

If I were being honest - something that I find extremely easy to be until I have to analyze my own behavior - I'd say that I've been falling into the not so thrilled with God category again. And I realized just this morning, that the problem isn't with God at all but with me, because I keep expecting something more from faith than what faith is really all about.

I guess I've been waiting for some sort of sign. Something along the lines of, "Hey Stacey... It's been good to have you back at church, and now that you've finally come round to the right side of the road, it's time to start granting you some goodwill wishes... "

But God is neither a vending machine nor a magic genie. And God can't make things right for us when things go wrong unless we're prepared to assist in our own recovery. We have to want it, and work for it, side by side with faith. Without faith, it's easy to blame God rather than accept the blame as our own.

And so I cried - yet again - in church today. (A telling sign that I was exactly where I needed to be.) Trying my hardest to keep myself together, to hide my tears. Feeling stupid and ashamed that my emotions were getting the best of me in public. Trying to train my eyes (my eyes that give everything away) from looking at anyone else, concentrating mostly on the floor while holding onto the pew in front of me to keep myself from running out the door because I couldn't (couldn't being the key word) make myself sing the song.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken.
I’m accepted. You were condemned.
I’m alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again.

I forced myself to plant my feet and listen to that entire song. And I knew that my meltdown wasn't going unnoticed. I know I didn't imagine the lay minister looking right at me when he asked us to bow our heads in silent prayer and pray for those of us who came to church today with sorrow in our hearts. And I don't imagine he asked us all once again to sing the last verse of the song I couldn't sing to reach out and say, "Yes... You are forgiven. This is something you need to know..."

I can never hide my heart in the House of God, not like I can wherever else I go. My personal motto has always been, "But you will not know." And I think there are a lot of people like me, people who have been let down so many times by the people they care about and the world in general, that they just reach the point where they simply can't allow it anymore. And instead of hanging on, and trying to work whatever it is out, it's easier to dull yourself down to a place where the pain can't be felt.

Going to church makes me recognize that I'm choosing to walk around with rocks in my pockets. Rocks of things I will not forgive myself for, rocks for people I will not forgive. And these rocks I insist on carrying have become for me a weighted albatross hung round my neck, a burden for my heart and my heart alone to carry. There can be no doubt that one of the lessons I'm meant to learn is the rightness of learning how to let some things go... After all, I don't believe I'm going out on a limb when I say that God didn't expect us to be pack mules for pain.

Lessons however are much easier in theory than practice and I am a frequent stumbler between getting things right and getting things wrong. Sometimes even though I know I've set out with the best of intentions, I still manage to make major blunders and botch things up without barely blinking an eye. Between sheer stubbornness and outright pride - two vices I'm well aware don't make my lesson learning any easier - it's hard for me to find my way to the high road when I suffer from an insatiable need to be right. Always right. Always in control.

The truth is there isn't always a right way and a wrong way... Sometimes there has to be a middle ground. And sometimes we have to be willing to meet the people that mean the most to us in it. Maybe we said some things that shouldn't have been said, maybe we did something we shouldn't have done, maybe we both made mountains out of molehills, and maybe neither one of us wants to admit to our mistakes.

I have to ask myself if it's worth it. Is the price to be right too high a price to pay when what you sacrifice is a significant part of yourself?

This is the message. Part of the lesson I've learned at church. That Jesus didn't turn his back or cast judgment on anyone. He opened his arms and forgave... He did it with love, and he did it with faith.

Not Again...

What crack my sister is on I'll never know... Once again she's managed to piss me off without even really trying... Or maybe she is trying and I'm not giving her enough credit. I just don't know.

She doesn't call, and really, I'm okay with the whole only hearing from her when I happen to be in the same room with her sort of thing we've got going on. I mean it's worked so well for all these months I'd really hate to break our streak this far into the run... But she calls tonight and she's all happy, too happy really, with this insincere singsong tone to her voice dripping all this sugary sweetness that reminds me of a nectarine left on a summer sidewalk to rot beneath the sun, and I just know... Know I'm not going to like whatever it is that's about to come out of her mouth.

"So I work with this guy Colin... And I gave him your number, and he's going to call you tomorrow. And he's a really great guy. Really has it altogether. Even has his own place."

And she keeps going on, endless with compliments for this guy Colin whom I'm assuming must be within earshot because she's laying it on so thick that no self respecting man would actually consider this a steller endorsement of any kind. (I can only imagine he's hearing all this and thinking in a brainless sort of way that she's being helpful.)

And still she keeps going... One hundred and one reasons later of why this guy couldn't possibly be a loser, my sister still doesn't make the connection that anyone she'd think to endorse is not anyone I'd ever consider talking to, let alone dating. And I'm listening, well half-listening really as I'm trying to watch the movie I was watching before she called, just waiting for her to stop talking and start breathing so I can tell her I have to go and get back to what at this moment in my life is more important. My couch, my movie and a quiet night at home with my kid and my cats... Spinsterhood here I come...

Mutual DNA aside, my sister doesn't have a clue about what I actually find appealing in a man. But what really gets me is that without my consent, she's given my private number out. Private being the key word. I mean the whole part about private is that I'm the one who gets to decide who gets those seven numbers directly associated with me. I'm the one who gets to decide who gets to be at the other end of that phone that's ringing mine. And what I really feel like doing right now is going to the grocery store or some other equally public place for a little payback. But that I suppose would be a bit juvenile... Just... But juvenile.

She just doesn't get it... And for reasons unknown to me she thinks she's doing me some great big favor. Little Stacey needs a man after all... And lord knows she can't pick them any better so we might as well make this a family effort.

And seriously, to hell with that idea... I'll call Jason, Mr. Needs to Have His Hands Surgically Amputated From His Arms back before I'd ever agree to letting my sister pick my men for me.

(Insert frustrated scream here.)

An Interpretation of Violence

We try to make it something less than what it is. Needing to believe that all of this can just be random. These horrible things that happen, they happen to other people, other people in places far away from where we are. Things like this, things that don't happen to you or me...

In our own ways we can make them seem less real than what they are, these stories that end up as front page news. Screaming headlines and bylines, banter across our TV and computer screens allowing us to choose, to read, to hear, to make ourselves aware of every little last detail. This is what happened. This is when. And this, this is where it happened and to who.

Families touched by violence. Families torn apart by violence. Families. Friends. Neighbors. Strangers we'll never know. People we thought we did...

But I am here to tell you that there's absolutely nothing random about violence. It touches us no matter who we are, no matter where we go, no matter if we were there or not. It claims a corner in our living rooms. It's on our mind when we lock our doors at night. It's why we're so careful all the time. Why we do everything that we possibly can to protect ourselves from dangers we've not even allowed ourselves to imagine.

Some call it living in fear. And some would say that's no real way to live at all. My friend Toni likes to say, "When it's your time, it's your time." But I don't believe that. I don't believe God closes his eyes and walks away waiting for all of it to just be done. Even if it is our final moment, our final breath, I believe he's right there, surrounding us with love, holding our hands whispering words of encouragement and faith. He gives us strength when our own is waning. He fills our hearts with the courage to go on and for those whose options are stolen away by whatever violence has claimed, he gives us that same courage to let go.

I understand why people don't want to know. I understand why people choose to ignore it when bad things happen. I understand their fear far better than I do my own. Self-preservation cannot allow danger to get that close to their doors. It is information too much for them to bear. If it can happen to you... If it can happen to me... If both of us are failable, if both of us can know harm, it is we who become the unwelcome messenger, delivering the news that violence is not the random fiend they think it is. Random is what you do not know. The name you never knew to speak. The face your eyes have never met.

But I am not unaffected and I cannot turn a blind eye to the violence that lays waste to humanity each and every day.

One in four.

One in five.

Every ten seconds.

Every ten minutes.

Every hour.

Every day.

Another face. (You know...)

Another name. (You don't know...)

Another someone we might have known.

Another person we'll never meet.

They're out there.

We're out there...

Living with.

Dying from.

For reasons no one will ever pretend they have an answer for.

For reasons that defy anyone to comprehend...

Frustration Mounting

Almost a big oops on my part tonight... Almost lost the whole damn blog and I'm feeling more than a might pissy over the whole damn thing!

And I suppose that this is exactly what I get for being an ultra overprotective Mama... I try to make the world just that much safer for my offspring, and BAM, I manage to make it look like my eleven year old has been posting my blog for the past 4 years...

Not to worry... I sent the good people at Blogger a little love note, and I'm sure that someway, somehow, they will find a way to help me correct this grievous error...

Hell, I'll even admit that I'm a complete idiot if that's what it takes to get the wonderful support staff at blogger to un-botch my mistake... (And yes, I am laying it on thick here.)

So here goes... Cause you know I've no problem admitting this freely...

There are moments when I can be an absolute moron.

Is This Thing On? (A Blog on the Dreadful Lack of Comments)

My brain is absolutely fried and I should have been in bed a half hour ago... But here I am, music ringing in my ears and writing a blog that no one is going to read. And it sure would be nice to get some feedback now and then from someone, anyone really... I mean hello, I did have a near death experience yesterday! And no one and I do mean no one felt the need to say, "Hey, I'm glad you're still around..."

I am so not feeling the love here people. And I'm generally a needy person in this category... So seriously, help a girl out.

Meanwhile in other news, I am so not feeling my fingers anymore... They've gone numb from too much typing and too little thinking today. It's nice however not to think as much as I usually do so I'm scratching that from my list of complaints... At least for now or until I need something to bitch about which if I check my watch should give us at least five minutes before the tide will turn...

Anyhoo I'm off to bed to dream my dysfunctional dreams because for once I just don't have all that much to say... Well, maybe just goodnight.

A Little Help From Above

I almost met my maker this morning and I can tell you that unlike other people who might have said that their life flashed before their eyes, the only thing that ran though my mind was one simple thought, "Please don't let this hurt..."

And really that was the only thing I could think of as I sat like a sitting duck in my car with my eyes squished tight and a monosyllabic scream emitting from my throat while a large SUV came barrelling over to my side of the road as if he had lost control or lost his mind... (Whichever came first...)

The diagram I so cleverly created (during the last 15 minutes of my work day) to help re-enact the almost accident (for your reading pleasure) is as true of a representation as my non-artistic hands can draw. The details go a little something like this...

It was early... Early enough to know that my coffee was too hot to drink, there weren't any good songs on the radio and the van in front of me was nearly impossible to see around. I was taking my time, running early for once to work and in no great rush to get there when I noticed that the van in front of me was breaking hard, breaking way too early for the four way stop ahead. Being the law abiding driver that I am, I started breaking myself, anticipating what I didn't know ahead of me, but anticipating something all the same.

It happened as fast as a strike of lightning. On a narrow road with barely any shoulder to speak of, a high speed SUV - for reasons unknown - suddenly leaped from his own lane to ours. I looked up and suddenly he was there directly in front of us, the white van and I. And I thought for sure that this was it. He was going to plow into the white van and right into me and we were all about to be toast. Instead he jerked his wheel, hit the shoulder at max speed and kept going for all he was worth, passing my car on the right passenger side so close that I had to check twice to see if my mirror was still intact.

After I remembered how to breathe, and yes, this did take a minute or so, it was if nothing had even happened. In my rear view mirror I could see that public menace number one had made it back into his own lane, and traffic around me was continuing on as if nothing out of the norm had happened. But there I was wanting answers. Wanting to know exactly what happened and why and a little bit pissed that this driver didn't even have the sense to pull his damn car over and cool his jets before continuing on his merry little way despite the fact that he came damn close - too close really - to annihilating two people in two cars on a Monday morning...

On the bright side however, I've got to be thankful for whatever blessing kept us all out of harms way...

Thanks Guardian Angel... We'll do lunch. Soon... Just not too soon...

The Last Installment of Harry Potter

I bought it yesterday morning. Read the entire thing last night. And now I know how it ends after all this time. Not to worry however, I'm not going to give anything away about how it all panned out...

If anything I'm simply a little bummed out knowing that all things must reach their own conclusions... Even good books.

Now Not Then

I've been waiting to write this post for the past few weeks. Counting down the numbers that brought me closer to this, my sixty-third post of the year, the same number of posts I wrote last year.

And they are more than just simple entries.

They are my story. The sad truth of a year lived in sorrow, a year spent hiding and living with fear. And I cannot be honest with anyone if I say that I came through all of that just fine. The truth is I came out on the other side fractured in ways I am still learning. Things that make me cringe, things that make me want to run as far and as fast as I can.

I know what it's like to be emotionally crippled. To be broken down slowly, one small piece at a time, until the only thing you can feel is the fault he lays at your door. Whether he meant to be that teacher or just came by it naturally I'll never know. All I know is that I am thankful for where I am and for where he is not...

Cleaning Up the Chaos

I'm living on cheese sticks. String cheese sticks to be exact and not their really unhealthy counterparts deep fried in oil and served with marinara on the side. My idea of dinner these past few nights has been grabbing two of those babies out of the fridge, a glass of water to wash them down with and then wishing fervently that there was a pint of ice cream hiding somewhere in my freezer somewhere behind the packages of frozen chicken and the spare rigi sauce I ration for emergency comfort food moments.

All in all tonight hasn't been all that bad, aside from almost breaking my ass from tripping over my vacuum which I forget to put away. After talking to my Mother for almost two hours last night on the phone - burning my minutes before nine no less - I decided that it's high time I start getting myself back together from this little mini meltdown I've been having. Which is why I came home and started cleaning like a mad woman tonight. You see, if there's one thing I know - and know well, it's that the state of my house is a clear indication of the state of my life. If my house is a mess, so am I...

So I'm cleaning it up, putting books back on bookshelves, folding laundry and putting it away, vacuuming the dust bunnies and restoring order to my home. And already, I feel better. More in control then out of it. And that's how I want to be. I don't like being sad and miserable and whatever else I'm prone to being when things aren't how I would like them to be. Because I'm really much better being the fast thinking smart ass girl who can pull a punchline out of thin air and make people laugh even if the joke is on them.

Meanwhile I wish I had the money to hire me some Merry Maids... Preferably of the male variety. I just love a man who knows his way around a feather duster.

Even I'm Not Listening...

I'm becoming my job... Working all sorts of hours to avoid going home and the deafening quiet that exists when KC is away. And she's away from home again, gone for the next five days to visit with her Dad. So at five o'clock I don't rush home. Instead I sit in my office listening to everyone else leave.



Tonight I came home, sat on my couch and cried. Cried because nothing feels right to me anymore and I haven't figured out if it's me or just the rest of the world that I need to blame. What I want to know is the why. The why nothing ever comes easy to me. Why everything seems like an unobtainable goal. Why it seems so damn easy for everyone else to get it altogether while I'm still fumbling around in the darkness trying to pull myself together.

What happens when you're thankful for what you have but know you're still missing crucial elements of what you need? I don't want to seem ungrateful - and this is how I usually put it in my prayers to God - but if someone could clue me in on what this big lesson I need to learn is, I'd like the opportunity to right whatever wrong I'm guilty of. You know, wipe the slate clean, start all over again, make things right, fix what's broken, get on with things, move forward in a new direction, turn over that new leaf...

Instead I keep getting tested, and re-tested, and then tested some more. It's like a boxing match... In this corner we've got Tate, Tate who is unhappily married but would like me to count him as a do-able option. While in the opposing corner Chance is hoping I'll consider taking up where we left off - but really, after the whole night spent half alone in Vermont, I think I've already had my wake up call with that one. Meanwhile in the corner closest to me, the man I want to be in my sights is nowhere to be seen. And it may just be my wake up call was eight months ago and I'm a little late on answering it...

The last corner of course is mine and without a doubt I have been and can be my own worst foe. I can fuck myself over quicker than any man on this planet. Find me a wall and I'll make sure I find a way to run into it at least twenty times before I find my way around. And while it all sounds quite funny in a she just fell out of her chair and broke her elbow sort of way, I can assure you that after the first few years of getting it wrong, I did eventually think I was going to get it right... But I guess that joke it on me because seriously, who knew I'd be so damn good at getting it wrong?

Living With the Forgotten

I woke up this morning with the idea of a dream still lingering on my mind. It seems I'm doing a lot of dreaming these days. Dreams that pull the past back to the present with all the faces I've forgotten.

So many years and each one seems to have been just yesterday. So many changes, good and bad. So many opportunities passed by and still waiting in the wings. So many, many things that I remember in a smile, in a word, in a name I hadn't thought to speak for years.

I've lived my entire life with my eyes on the door, always better at remembering the things I've lost, always realizing too late where my mistakes were made. I've lived and I haven't lived at all. Scared that one more wrong move on my part is going to get me lost for good. And getting lost, if you haven't figured it out by now, is my biggest fear. It's where the monsters are...

Put your brave face on. Maybe it's ridiculous for a woman of my age to need that reminder. And yet, I fake confidence well. Well enough if you don't notice my hands wringing themselves away. Well enough if you don't wonder why you can't comment on the color of my eyes. Well enough if you don't think there's so much more you're not seeing.