Anticipation

When you're as cold as I am, it's hard to think of anything else save for the fact that you can't really feel your toes, your fingers are numb, your heat seems ineffective at best and you really don't want to do much of anything that doesn't involve being under a fleece blanket somewhere. And so you get a little redundant. Unable to have conversations that don't have something to do with the weather and the way the freezing cold and the promise of snow - too much snow - can change your plans in a moments notice.

Today Bren, Robin and I were supposed to get together for lunch ... Or something. And though Bren and I talk nearly every day, I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't seen or spoken to Robin in years. Not on purpose mind you, but just because life seemed to have pulled me in a different direction than my other former college roommate.

And so I was excited and un-excited to see her. Though I'm quite sure that doesn't make much sense, so I'll explain. Excited because I haven't seen her in this side of forever and nervous to see her because, well ... I'm a much different person than the one she remembers. Some good. Some bad. And I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say, that it makes me a little nervous to stand before someone and wonder what it is they're thinking as they see you after such a long time.

Pathetic I know ... But true.

But it's a worry that I won't have to worry about today, as our plans have been cancelled and put off for next weekend. And next weekend will be easier to deal with, with the minor child present for the festivities, I know that some of the attention will be on her and not on me.

This may not be a good time to admit that I have sometimes managed to hide behind my guise as mother to escape attention. Which doesn't sound a bit like me that some of you may know or not know.

The truth of the matter is that I'm actually painfully shy, I've just learned to hide it remarkably well all these years. And how it is that a seemingly outgoing person such as myself, can also have the tendencies of a wall flower is beyond me. But I swear to you it's true. For like a chameleon, I have the ability to be lost in the crowd, as much as I have the ability to stand out from it.