For the Girls ...

Men.

The very word sends chills to my soul. Good chills. Bad chills. Cold chills. Hot chills. Chills of pleasure. Chills of pain. Chills, chills, chills ...

Sometimes a girl can get lucky and find the man of her dreams. The kind of man who will take the time to get to know her, appreciate the individual that she is, and respect her enough to be honest, considerate, kind, and generous - in and out of bed.

But as we women know, you don't always get the pick of the litter on your first go round. In fact, sometimes finding the right one can take years. Seemingly endless years of aloneness as you wait for Prince Charming to get it all figured out and come knocking on your door. (Note: Prince Charming does not have your address! Do not depend on him to stop and ask anyone for directions to your humble abode. Remember girls, without your help, Prince Charming is as helpless as a babe in the woods!)

So it's no wonder that so many single women out there have chosen to make do. To take what's come along because it's there. To - and dare I say this - let go of more than a few standards in order to bag their man.

My friends, I stand before you today to tell you that I too am guilty in dating the "It's this or nothing man." The kind of guy I wouldn't have looked twice at, if it hadn't been for one small thing ... Desperation.

Desperation is an evil bedfellow. It sneaks in through the back door when you're not looking, sits down on your couch, and before you know has its feet propped up on your freshly polished coffee table. From there it wanders its way down your halls directly to your bedroom, reminding you each and every night that there is exactly one foot of empty space on each side of you as you sleep. And it wakes you up in the morning making you wish for the smell of someone else's bad morning breath, and that first morning kiss hello. Yes, desperation can make you do funny things.

But women, even though drastic times sometimes call for drastic measures this desperate girl has learned a few valuable lessons along her way. Dating a guy who doesn't bother to ask you anything about yourself, talks about his job, his ex, or his mother 24/7, works massive amounts of overtime and offers lame excuses for why he can make time for everyone else but you, and wouldn't know how to keep a promise or a date if his life depended on it, is NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU NEED MESSING WITH YOUR HEART OR HEAD.

Let me provide you with some examples ... (And it would help here if you thought of this as "He might be a redneck if ...)

If your man drives across the state to make his living but tells you he can't come over to see you because it's snowing ... He's a fuckwit.

If your man calls you on the phone every night, allowing for only a half hour of conversation while only talking about himself and his day ... He's not only an egocentric jerk, he's also a complete fuckwit.

If your man introduces you to his family, but then refuses to meet yours ... He is a major fuckwit.

If your man makes plans with you and then goes AWOL for undisclosed periods of time while you wait at home, watching the phone and crying your tender little heart out ... He's the biggest fuckwit on the planet.

If your man refuses to talk to you either on the phone, on the computer, or through the use of smoke signals while acting like he needs to take a massive dose of midol because he needs his alone time despite the fact that he hasn't seen you in days ... He is, and let there be no doubt, the most incredible fuckwit you've ever met.

And finally ...

If you go to your mans house after he refuses to talk to you through any means of popular communication devices and refuses to let you in while you stand on his front porch, cell phone pressed to your ear only to have him refuse to answer the door or phone so that you can dump his ass in person ... Dump his ass immediately even if it means shouting at the top of your lungs and embarrassing him in front of all his neighbors! And I repeat, DO NOT ... DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT taking him back! For as far as fuckwittage goes, he is a total bastard fuckwit who never deserved to swap spit with you in the first place!

And for God's sake, if all of the above has happened to you and you continue to make excuses for him, and let him get away with treating you like dirt, do yourself a favor and break up with the man. Your self respect is worth far more than this fuckwit! (Thanks to a certain ex-marine for teaching me these lovely little life/dating lessons.)

So women PLEASE don't take a page out of my book and subject yourself to learning about fuckwits the hard way ... Get your ducks in order, print the worksheet below, and for goodness sake, DUMP THAT MAN!

(Worksheet created by Kate Fillion & Ellen Ladowsky in How To Dump A Guy: (A Coward's Manual)