Big, Huge Mistake

Years back after a sordid obsession with online chat rooms and friendships that in turn did more harm than good, I decided to quit cold turkey and vowed to myself I would never again waste my time on instant messaging people I didn't already know. Last night as the dark descended outside and the quiet of the house was beginning to grate on my nerves, I broke that promise to myself and went into an AOL inspired chat room called Thirties Friends.

Unlike most people, I was actually just looking to strike up a friendly conversation with some virtual stranger to pass the time. With nothing good on the television and no desire to doll myself up and go out into the world for the evening, it seemed like the perfect plan to waste away the night.

Perfect plans however rarely work out perfectly.

Kicking back on the couch, discovery channel on low, and a champagne glass of apple juice by my side, the instant messages began to roll in.

Derrick from PA wanted to know my A/S/L and the color of my eyes - brown, by the way - John from KY taking a more direct approach, decided to share the fact that he had a seven inch tongue and all the patience in the world - mind you this was unsolicited information he was handing out. And with the instant message chime sounding off every few seconds, I picked my way through a mass of messages until finally coming across one that seemed somewhat normal.

Normal lasted for about 10 minutes before I was proved wrong once again. This time, and much to my chagrin, the guy seemed more interested in sharing his intimate fantasies with me. Now I'm all about people having fantasies and sharing them with the people they love - or lust after even - but the prude in me doesn't feel the need to share this with random strangers on the internet. In fact I'm in practice to be a Born Again Virgin. Which means that the any girl will do theory that most - though not all - virtual men seem to subscribe to was not working out for this particular gentleman's fantasy.

Trying to figure out the easiest way to get out of the conversation as politely as possible, I took advantage of the situation when his computer - which had logged him off earlier in the conversation - logged him off again. Quickly making myself invisible except to those members I allowed to see me online, I watched as his screen name popped up and thought to myself that I was in the clear.

But in the clear lasted as long as it took him to send me an email, an email I stupidly read alerting him to the fact that I was still online but in invisible mode. So I did the only thing I thought to be politically correct, I sent him an email explaining - okay lying - that I was tired and turning in for the night. An easy way to get rid of him I thought.

My online profile with a direct link to NWTLO gave him other ideas however and considering my easily diagnosed penchant for the written word, there was soon another email in my inbox. And one once read was hard to forget, though to say too much at this point would be doing a disservice to us all ...

I will tell you all however that I was amused, albeit very mildly and not for the reasons you think.