Theme Song a la Stacey

Girls Like Me written By Mary Chapin Carpenter


Girls like me aren't hard to find
We grow like roses on the vine
And wear our hearts on our sleeves
You probably know a girl like me

We live alone and in our heads
We eat standing up or in our beds
Guilt and fear merge easily
In the quiet souls of girls like me

And loneliness is like a cold
Common and no cure we're told
We take to bed perchance to dream
In the blue light of the TV screen

Girls like me like summer light
A cold beer on a summer night
And boys who aren't afraid of what they see
Inside the eyes of girls like me

And hopefulness is like a drug
It makes a girl believe in love
And if somehow you love us back
We think there's something wrong with that

Girls like me aren't hard to trust
Your deepest secret's safe with us
And when it's time we set you free
You can always count on girls like me
It's good to know a girl like me
You used to love a girl like me

Oops. I Did It Again ...

OK ... So I lied. I said I was going to post and here I am already a day behind. At least take heart that I'm having fun in my absence ...

So if it's quite alright ... Miss me for one night more.

Hey Jupiter

In honor of my last unofficial break from the blog day, I leave you with only one question. If your life had a theme song, what would it be? And why?

Okay ... For those of you who want to be technical and point out the obvious ... Yes, I did ask two questions and not just one. (So sue me.)

Anyhoo, tonight is my last unofficial taking a break from the blog day and starting tomorrow things around NWTLO will be very much back to normal which means (drum roll please) daily posting once more ... Even if nothing at all interesting happens.

For now I'm off to bed. A tired Stacey is a cranky Stacey and a cranky Stacey is not someone you want to be around ... Trust me on this. On the scale of one to ten of not pretty, it's off the charts at eleven.

So bring on the theme songs people. You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.

Kinky, isn't it?

Color Me Irritated

Just when you think everything is starting to come together, everything gets itself all fucked up. And though this may seem an overreaction to a washing machine that for some unknown reason is refusing to agitate - anything other than me that is - it's enough to make me want to scream in frustration. I do not have time for this! I do not have any spare cash for this! I am not a happy camper!

Why oh why can't one damn thing go right?

Happy Mom's Day ...

For all the times I should have said "Thanks" but didn't ... For all the times you dried my tears, bandaged my boo boo's and told me to try again ... For teaching me that strength is more than being stubborn and faith is holding on to hope through the darkest times ... Thanks Mom. I couldn't have done any of it without you ... I only hope that I can be half the Mom to my daughter as you still are to me ...

I love you!

Who Do You Blame When Your Mouth Is On Fire?


You've been craving pizza for weeks. You order your pizza with the best pizza place in town. Medium. One half only cheese (for the kid) and the other half green peppers and mushrooms. You drive the fifteen minutes back home. You open the box. And you stand there in your kitchen with the "I can't believe it's not butter" look on your face, as you slap your forehead in vain. "Hot peppers!" you exclaim loudly, "I said green peppers!"

Dreaming In Riddles

It seems I've been on another unintentional blog break again. All I've been able to do is sit and stare at this blank screen and wonder to myself what it is I should be writing about ... Hence the silence.

I did however have an odd sort of dream last night of which I will post more in detail later when time allows. But for now, the very center of the dream and in fact the word that was on my tongue when I woke up was this ...

Miosis.

Main Entry: mi·o·sis
Pronunciation: mI-'O-s&s, mE-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural mi·o·ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek myein to be closed (of the eyes) + New Latin -osis
Date: 1819
: excessive smallness or contraction of the pupil of the eye


My subconscious evidently thinks I'm walking around blind.

Getting Ready ...

So many things I should be doing ...

1. Cleaning both upstairs bedrooms.
2. Mopping the upstairs bathroom.
3. Changing the litter in the catbox, hamster cage, bird cage ...
4. Supervising dinner prep (rather than waiting for the sign of smoke to send me signals that it may be done.)
5. Run folded laundry upstairs and put it away in (gasp) drawers!
6. Vacuum the entire house.
7. Put the clean dishes away.
8. Polish the sink. (I read somewhere that the key to a clean house is a clean sink.)
9. Brush the cats.
10. Mop kitchen.
11. Clean the dreaded closet ... (I meant to do this last week and decided that my time would be much better spent doing anything but.)
12. Dust, polish, shine, sweep, vacuum, mop anything and everything cause Mom's coming for a visit!


Who has time to blog? I've got an entire house to whip into order!

Sigh ... Where's a "Merry Maid" when I need one?

Hmmmmm ... Odd, isn't it?

Just finished watching this movie, and despite what some of the reviews I've read say, I thought it was wonderful. 4-1/2 stars in my book.

Giving Me the Creeps

I'm a busy bee this morning, having already done 2 loads of laundry, one load of dishes, and picked up the living room, though to be frank I'm taking a wee break before moving on to the dreaded dining room and the closet that resides there. The closet that is a catch all for everything and anything. I'm almost scared to open its door.

Strange odd night last night. KC and I were coming home from Brenda's via our usual route when about 10 minutes from home, there was a police barricade blocking all lanes. At first I thought it must be some sort of sobriety check point, but as we inched up closer to the state troopers, I watched them with flashlights in hand checking each and every vehicle from front to back. I was a little nervous just for the sake of being nervous as we pulled up, and felt a little dumb when the trooper began asking me questions.

Turning my head away a slight bit as he flashed his flashlight directly in my face, he began asking me questions. "Where are you headed this evening." My mind blanked for a second before I managed to stutter out the word "home".

"And where is home?" he pressed.

"Blankety Blank Road." I said. He then turned his flashlight into the back seat of our car, shining it on KC.

"How old is the girl?"

"Nine." I answered.

"Alright then," he said giving me a nod and a wave forward, "You can go."

I have to admit it freaked me out quite a bit. It's an odd feeling you get being questioned by a complete stranger and wondering if they're thinking that your kid is not your kid. I was tempted to ask questions. Find out what was going on. Were they looking for a child? Had someone been kidnapped? Was there a criminal on the loose? But I kept my mouth shut and drove on, wondering all the way home.

And perhaps it was because they had made me jumpy, that the car pulled over in front of a wooded area on my road made me regard it with a suspicious eye. That and the fact that the back passenger door was open and there seemed to be two older men sitting inside, one in the front seat and one in the back with only the overhead light illuminating them. It made me uneasy. And I slowed down as we passed them, trying to see what they were doing in their old light green jalopy. But I really couldn't see much of anything. Didn't note anything overly odd save for the fact that they were sitting there by the side of the road with the back door of the car open.

I called Brenda from my cell phone as we continued down the road and proceeded to tell her everything, including my odd thoughts about the car. "Should I call the police?" I asked. "I didn't really see anything, but it's certainly not normal."

I spent the next few minutes hemming and hawing and asking Bren to turn on the news to see if she could find out anything. Meanwhile, we pulled into our driveway, hopped out of the car, and quickly made our way inside. "I'll call you back in a moment." I said to Brenda, clicking off my phone.

Inside I grabbed the broom that I keep by the front door and made my way, room by room, checking all the corners and the dark spaces. My sister Jo asked me later on in the night as I told her about everything, what exactly had I planned to do with the broom in the case that something was amiss? ... I told her I was really hoping not to find out.

The car on the side of the road however was still nagging me. And when something nags me, it's a given that I will not be able to put it out of my mind until I've laid it to rest. And so I told KC to put on her shoes and come with me out to the car.

"You're going to go check to see if that cars still there aren't you Mom?"

Since I didn't think she'd fall for the excuse of taking a quick ride for no reason in the middle of the night, I shook my head yes.

Needless to say, my five minute run down the road didn't prove anything at all other than the car that had previously been there was gone. Not that I had some sort of big plan of what to do had it still been hovering on the side of the road. (Though I was on the phone with Bren the entire time I was driving to check things out. I guess my plan was to tell Brenda the license plate number if it was still there and call the troopers with my possibly overblown suspicions.)

Returning home, I sent KC off to bed, took up shop on the living room couch and promptly fell asleep there for the remainder of the night unable to catch anything on the late night news about what could be going on. Presently there has been nothing on the morning news either ... But it was all too weird to have just been my fertile imagination at work.

Odd.

Oh well, I suppose there is naught else to do now except return to my cleaning ... Unless I can convince KC to try baking cookies with me instead. (Don't think of this is an easy thing to do. My daughter is more than aware of my less than Betty Crocker like baking skills.)

My Bad

I think I may have been a bad role model earlier and yet I feel very much like I used to feel in my high school days ... A sure sign that I was most definitely a bad role model. Brenda says she would have done the same thing and yet considering Brenda spent far more time in the ISS Room (In School Suspension) room than I did, maybe that's not exactly a thumbs up ...

Anyhoo more about my topic of intrigue later. KC and I have places to go, things to do and people to see.

Disappointment

We told him last week. Reminded him on Sunday. Called him on Tuesday. Phoned him this morning. He knew the place. The time. The importance ...

And she sang her little heart out, scanning the crowd for familiar faces, skipping over ours, already knowing where we sat. I watched her looking to find the one face that was missing. The most important face of all.

Disappointed doesn't cover how she felt when she realized he hadn't come. Her chin started to tremble and she averted her eyes as if there were something incredibly interesting on the floor. And when it was over, she marched like a little soldier out to the car, one foot in front of the other in a forward motion and dissolved into tears the moment she was inside.

"He didn't even come," she cried. And I reached out my hand to hold onto hers and tried to comfort her with reasonable excuses. "He didn't even come ..."

We cried together. Her for her need to be validated by his presence and me for the tears he made her cry.

Why is it so hard for him to understand?

The most important face to see, is the one that isn't there ...

Let the Healing Begin

It's hard to think of anything else when your teeth hurt and for the past few days, though the pain has been gnawing away at me for weeks, I have been suffering - because no other word aptly explains how horrid this has been - the most agonizing tooth pain ever.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I tried everything I could think of. Every position I could possible fall asleep in. Cold compresses. Hot compresses. Brushing my teeth. Holding my hand against my cheek. Watching QVC. (Hey. Never rule out boredom.) Until finally, a little after four this morning, my body finally shut itself down and allowed me two hours of sleep before my dratted alarm went off.

My appointment at 12:30, I spent most of the morning in my office in a most unnaturally quiet state. A sure sign I'm not feeling well at all when my mouth isn't moving a mile a minute. Pretty much ignoring the general chatter, I focused on taking the morning second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, phone call by phone call. Not an easy task when you're tooth is throbbing to the point that your ear feels like it's going to start gushing blood at any moment. Talk about good times ...

Anyhoo I didn't expect much of anything today other than a preliminary appointment. You know, the appointment before the actual appointment sort of thing. However Dr. K. - who I will now say is my absolute hero - took one look at my mouth, one look at my x-ray and said in no uncertain terms that he was going to take care of me today. Swear to God, if there hadn't been a ring on his finger, I would have gotten down on one knee and sworn eternal love to him.

That was until I saw the tool cart. Then my nerves returned and I was a quivering mess of fear.

"How bad is this going to hurt?" I asked while trying to appear calm and collected.

"No worse than getting a cavity taken care of." I pretended to be reassured. She saw right through me. "Don't worry. You're going to feel so much better by the time this is over." I held onto my doubts.

Clutching the hand rest as Dr. K. inserted the needle to numb my mouth, I was hard pressed to keep from smiling as my eyes peered into his, optical enhancements and all.

And then it began ... And just to quote Dr. K. "How on earth did you manage to handle the pain for so long? Your tooth is completely inflamed." See, I told you all it hurt!

Rather than go through the entire process of the much aligned ROOT CANAL I will end by saying that is was far less painful than having a tooth extracted. Way less. And on the bright side, tonight is the very first night where I actually feel like me again! The excitement!

As promised ... The final - and in color - picture of my tattoo.

Inside the Storm

My house smells like a pumpkin pie pulled out fresh from the oven. It warms the room in a way that the heat cannot. Outside a cold rain falls, thick and wet, folding the flowers over upon themselves. Inside the house is filled with music. The sound of bows on strings as the piano pounds away on deep dark notes; perfect accompaniment to the weather outside. And I am in the mood for Dvorak.

Dvorak who could write me the sounds of an orchestra bubbling up from the very fires of hell ... Dvorak who could tell the story of a simple girl and all the worlds pleasures and the very pain that centers itself inside a toothache.

And I'm beginning to believe that dentist is an evil word. Though to be fair, Dr. Doug honestly felt bad enough to see me back so soon and even worse when I couldn't contain my tears. Perhaps it was the whole let's try to drill a bit without bothering with the Novocain that did it. And yet the Novocain didn't make too much of a difference. The tears still came and I still cried, though I attempted a weak smile to make him feel a bit better for being the cause of my torture.

Still all this talk about teeth grows weary. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to be home. To sit here on this couch listening only to music as I type away the troubles of this day. And yet now there's nothing much more to type about, too much of the day has passed to be remembered in this brief little moment now. Perhaps tomorrow when I am feeling better, like someone more myself ...

Slumber Party?

You'd think I'd be too old for sleepovers but I'm not ... In fact, I am currently writing from Brenda's living room where I have taken up residence for the night on the couch. Everyone else however is fast asleep, while I sit in the near darkness to type this. I guess I'm just not that tired yet though I really should be,

It was a rather uneventful night. We sort of just talked a bit about this and that and were entertained by the mighty tikes and Liv's amazing achievement of riding her tricycle around the living room, albeit all in a strait line as she has yet to master the whole premise of turning.

Tomorrow we're taking a very mini road trip to meet up with Ty's grandparents from his "other" side so that they can take him for the remainder of the weekend to celebrate his birthday, though a bit belated. (Which reminds me that I should have said Happy 9th!) After that I'm not sure what we have planned for tomorrow, although I can quite guarantee there in shopping in our future.

Mom ... If you try calling me, I'll be available via cell ... As long as I remember to finish charging it. I always forget to do that as I really don't use it all that much. I'm not one of those girlies who requires a phone constantly pressed against her ear. Good thing I can't afford a blackberry I suppose. That I'd be dangerous with.

More tomorrow. I think I'll do a bit of reading before turning in.

Bitching is Free

I have no idea what is going on with blogger THIS time ... But I can't even access my own damn page, instead I'm redirected to the blogger start page. WTF!!!

I'm tired. I'm cranky. And I want to rip my tooth out of my head.

Someone better fix this soon!

A Long Story Short ... Very Short

While I wish there was something earth shattering to report, the truth is I've been too busy at work for the past 2 days to have any time at all for thinking ... This does of course have its good points, like looking at the clock and expecting it to be nine and finding out it's quarter after eleven. Any day that flies by at work is a good day in my book ... Unless it results in working overtime. Something I can more than do without.

On an exciting note, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Normally this wouldn't excite me, but tonight I'm doing the dance of joy. My tooth is doing the dance of joy. Though that may change when and if I get a bill ...

Over the next few weeks, you will be reminded again and again about the difference between your need for complexity and other people's desires for simplicity. This is the Scorpio-Taurus axis being activated by the yearly cycle of the Sun, and it probably will play out in your life through relationships. As the Sun transits your 7th House of Partnerships, don't set yourself up for frustration. Even if you can't bring these opposite needs together, your awareness of both can make life easier.

Neighborhood Watch

Interesting little tidbit of information ... I forgot to mention that the house next door near caught fire Friday night. My powers of observation being as strong as they are, it wasn't until Saturday morning that I took any notice of the pile of charred debris and the melted siding barely clinging to the house as I walked out to my car.

Reliable sources - aka my neighbor Bob - filled me in later on in the day when he got home. Evidently someone's car decided to spontaneously combust in the middle of the night and was completely engulfed in flames by the time the fire trucks arrived. Three of them to be exact. And where was I? I slept through the whole thing ... Nice. I am so handy to have around in the case of an emergency.

The good news is that the whole place didn't blow. The fire happened right in front of the gas lines to the house and in reality, things could have gotten really ugly. Someone's car however was toast. Burnt, smelly and charred toast.

Bob - being the nice guy that he is - spent two hours chatting amiably outside with us and playing cat's cradle with KC. Though he informed me that the only reason he knew how to do it was because he had three sisters. A fact I can well relate to though my skill with yarn and string is something that should not even be attempted to be described. I on the other hand had a rather difficult time attempting to make conversation. For once my glib tongue could think of nothing interesting to say as I tripped over myself for topics of discussion. A sure sign I need to get out more I am sure.

Anyhoo, I'm off to enjoy what is left of the light. Maybe another trip down to the lake, maybe a drive to the middle of nowhere, maybe another good book to occupy my mind. Or maybe just a quiet end to a quiet day.

Going Home

Liquid fire melting on blue water, I watch the sun give way to the stillness that is twilight. My daughter rubs her hands over her arms, warming the goosebumps that prickle her skin and asks impatiently if we can leave yet. She is oblivious to the moment. The moment when sky and water merge and the horizon seems to span forever as if there were no end.

And we are not alone. Along the path where the lamp lights have suddenly warmed into glowing embers of amber, families walk with the slow gait of a Saturday evening. Another couple enjoys a quiet dinner for two at a picnic table just down the way, while my best friend and her daughter stand to our side and take in the sunset in their own way.

It is a miracle I tell her. The way the sun rises every morning and sets in the evening. Or as her daughter says, goes home. And for a moment I remember the word home, the very weight of the word and the image it invokes, of much younger times and the way I would peddle my bike down to the lake just before sunset and ride to the abandoned edge of the park where the benches were always empty and awaiting my arrival. I used to lean my bike against the rail and sit there watching the water lap against the shore, listening to the seagulls overhead while the moon waited in her corner and the sun sank down in his; a gentle peace between heavenly bodies forever entwined in the essence of give and take.

Just like before, those many moons ago, I felt the calm take hold my heart, stilling the worries from my mind, nourishing my spirit, restoring my strength. It's very easy to laugh and cry at the same time. This is what I told Brenda as we watched our daughters gingerly explore a cold white mound of ice and snow left over from winter like a melting glacier. How something so simple as a sunset can move you in ways you do not understand but set to rights the things you thought were going wrong. It can be that simple.

A part of me didn't want to leave. I could have stood there forever with the cold breeze against my face, watching the wings of darkness spread their arms over the land like a slow moving bird, wanting to root myself in that moment. Instead I looked to my daughter, took her small hand in mine and smiled, "Let's go home."

sleep my friend now
I'll watch o'er you
the moon is here and the stars adore you
close your eyes and
you'll sleep just fine
said my guardian angel once upon a time ...


* Thank you to Karl who seems to know when to send me the exact song I need to hear.

Life's Little Moments ...

I ran away from home tonight. Ran fast, ran far and considered - even if it was only for the briefest of moments - jumping into the car with our bags packed to head South down 81 to North Carolina ... Because Mom's always make things better. And had common sense not prevailed (it is a rather lengthy drive) I might be somewhere in the bottom half of Pennsylvania right now wondering just how long those endless mountains could go on for. But it wasn't to be, though KC was more than willing to make the drive and was more than a bit disappointed when she asked where then were we going ...

I don't know I told her. Wherever the road takes us is where we'll be. Make a note that this is not a popular answer among nine year olds. And yet she seemed to understand that her Mom needed a moment, and decided to put pencil to paper and sketch the scenery that was flying by. Though this didn't mean that she still wasn't talking non-stop.

Yes. I ran away from home tonight. Straight into the arms of Barnes and Noble Booksellers. Into those sacred stacks of neatly arranged texts, those welcoming words that have the power to transform the hours into a world where fiction is fact. And it was a sigh of relief even though I called Brenda from the parking lot with my phone pressed against my ear as I implored her to talk me down.

"You're at Barnes and Noble's aren't you?" she asked, before giving a resolute sigh and a warning. "Don't do it. Come on over here."

The store front beckoned me. KC waited. The world stood still.

"We'll be over." I said, clicking off. Right after we go in ...

Ten minutes later we were back outside, bag in hand with exactly 4 books, 3 of them mine, 1 for KC and an impulse (okay everything really was impulse) buy of Alison Kraus's new CD. And I felt better ... I know, I know ... Retail shopping as therapy is nothing new to be writing home about and yet ...

I did feel better. Because I certainly felt better than I had earlier today at work when the slightest little comment sent me sailing over the edge of God knows what and into the tumultuous sea of nervous breakdown.

Perhaps it was the stress of the afternoon meeting I wasn't looking forward to. Or perhaps it's been my lack of a good nights sleep combined with being ill. And maybe it's an assortment of everything above and more than I'm even mentioning. I wasn't sure. All I knew is that one moment I was perfectly fine and the next I was begging someone to find me some prozac as the tears streamed down my face with no thought of stopping.

Terri - who was in my office at the time - looked at me with stark confusion.

"What is wrong with you?"

I found it hard to talk with the lump in my throat and said inbetween great big breaths, "I have no idea!" Because I had absolutely no idea. "And it's not PMS ..."

"I think you need a vacation girl."

And so I decided that this weekend is going to be about fun, getting out of the house, saying to hell with the housework and the attempt to organize everything from A to Z and just having a weekend filled with laughter and random silliness.

A little sunshine can do wonders ...

Rated "R" For Content

Cover your ears. Close your eyes. And for God's sake, put the children to bed before reading any further.

It should come as no surprise to know that after a very short evening spent with friends from work, that I've come home with one of those I can't believe I'm going to put this down in writing stories to tell.

It all began with a trip to the Vets to pick Emma up this afternoon from her overnight stay. For some odd and unknown reason, the ladies who run the front desk of the animal hospital are severely lacking in speed and efficiency although lucky for them they do make up for it with kindness ... I had planned to pick Emma up and get her home within the time frame of my hour lunch, but as we all know even the best laid plans often go amuck. With the sands of the hourglass near empty, I had little choice but to return to work with Emma in tow for the remainder of the afternoon.

Not a big deal, especially considering that Emma is famous for her afternoon naps. But then again knowing the people I work with, and what happened the last time my cat got called up in conversation a few Christmas dinner/meetings ago, I might have thought better ... I work with morons. Give or take a few.

Jake however is by far the worst culprit. And I'm quite sure that when he finds himself mentioned in this blog, he will be more than pleased about being the cause of an entire post. In a world where a sense of humor is a must, Jake has been over blessed. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times something has come out of his mouth just to provoke controversy or stretch the limit on what can be and should be said. He's all about the shock value.

With Emma safely nestled in her state of the art carrier close to my desk, I watched as Jake got down on his hands and knees to peer inside. And of course, it was at this very moment when Mr. K (who had just arrived for the afternoon meeting) walked by the door to my office. He came to a dead stop. And in his slightly odd pitched voice asked Jake, "Should I ask what you're doing?"

Why I didn't duck and run for cover right then and there I will never know. And trust me when I tell you, I should have known from the mischievous smile on Jake's face that things were about to take a tumble right down into the gutter.

"I'm looking at Stacey's pussy." he said while I turned beat red and Mr. K's eyebrows came close to shooting straight off of his head. I stood up out of my chair, stumbling over my own words as I quickly interjected, "He means me cat! She's in the carrier. I just picked her up from the vet!"

Mr. K - albeit amused - chose to walk away without saying another word.

I took the opportunity to glare at Jake before yelling, "You're such an asshole! I can't believe you just said that!" Jake however was too busy laughing to pay me much heed.

Now one would think that this is where the story would end. And in a normal world filled with normal people this is exactly where the story would end. But as I said earlier, I don't exactly work with normal people ...

On the early shift today, I left at 4:30, giving myself plenty of time to run Emma home, change my clothes, attempt to fix my seriously wind blown hair (I had the windows down enjoying the weather) and meet back up with the gang at the bar by five. Now normally I would mind the fact that I was a few minutes late to a gathering, but when it comes to walking into a bar alone, I like to know my party is already inside and waiting. There's nothing worse than going in alone and having everyone and I do mean everyone stop what they're doing to see who is coming in only to find out that once you're in, your friends aren't there yet ... You feel like a total loser. Well, at least I do in that sort of situation.

Anyhoo everyone was already there (save for Terri who was running a few minutes behind) and already enjoying their beverages. And didn't I just feel like the shiznet to be the only girl in a group of guys ... Mind you, I can keep up with the trash talk when necessary. But when the cat story made its way back into conversation, I was more than ready to become a shrinking violet. Loud enough to draw everyone's attention the story was told, told once more and then told again for the third time with each telling getting louder and louder as the story progressed. When the punchline came and the entire bar was looking in our direction, I could only lean back against the wall and slide down in the direction of the floor as my face went crimson with embarrassment ... It wasn't as if I was going to climb on a bar stool and annouce to the entire happy hour crowd that the pussy in question was a cat and not what everyone else was surely thinking. I could have died ...

The Hamster That Could Have Got Away

Bit of a near disaster this morning as I went into KC's room to pick out her clothes for the day. It took me less than a second to register an open hamster cage door to something akin to a natural disaster. In mere seconds my mind had exhausted a realm of possibilities ... Had she become a late night snack for the cats? Would I ever be able to find her in the black hole that is KC's room? And just how was I going to cope with a Mia being MIA? Hah ... I just realized a play on words ... Who'd a thunk it?

Anyhoo ... It turns out that the hamster, despite the cage being open to freedom, didn't try to hop the fence and make off on her merry way. Big sigh of relief on that one since I didn't have time to mount a search party.

You'd think that after having been out sick for the past two days, I would have returned to earth shattering applause - or something akin to it - instead Terri informed me that I'd conveniently been thrown under the bus by a third party whose fictional name I won't mention. I was none to happy to hear about it, but then again forewarned is forearmed and I pulled together some in my favor evidence to prove the contrary of what was said. Not that it was anything over the top horrible mind you, but something more along the lines of someone trying to blame someone else for coloring outside the lines that they don't bother to color in themselves. If one must point a finger, it would do well to remember that the same finger may be turned back on you. In this case I believe it's the middle finger in the upright position.

But not to dwell on irritating work stuff as I have a strict rule about hashing out work issues when I'm off the clock ... As in not going to do it. Well, not unless they pay me overtime. Except I don't get overtime. And yet I work overtime. I wonder what exactly is the sense of that?

I suppose I have oodles more to mention about a host of other things tonight, but they'll have to keep. I've a couple of emails to attend to, yet more laundry to throw in the dryer, and goodness only knows what else.

Early Bedtime

Just thinking about tomorrow is starting to give me (yet another) headache. I can only imagine that after missing the past two days at work that my voice mail light is blinking with the fury of 10,000 messages, all expecting immediate call backs.

And to make matters worse, I have to get up extra early tomorrow morning, drop KC off at the sitters at the crack of dawn, run into town to drop the kitty cats off at the vet and get to work by 7:30 sharp for a meeting with the time clock.

Have I mentioned that I am so NOT a morning person?

So short post ... I've got some papers I need to look at, forms to fill out, laundry to be washed, dried and folded, dance bags to pack, cat collars to find, and goodness already knows what I've forgotten ... I wonder if I should pack my tooth brush?

Oh and if anyone can think up a handy excuse to get me out of having to go to the going away party for Slug on Thursday night, it would be much appreciated. I can't go out on a work night!!!

The Downfall of a Three Day Weekend

Unlike a cleverly disquised three day weekend, I am actually home on this beautiful Monday with a raging headache and a major case of the sniffles that has yet to let go its tenacious hold. But unlike the past two days, I've finally given into the temptation to sleep the day away and rest like I should have done from the very beginning.

I meant to make soup for dinner, and had in fact taken the chicken out of the freezer to defrost earlier this morning, but waking up just some short time ago, soup seemed to be a pretty big project to start at such an hour. And since nothing else really sounded good, I went for quick, easy and painless, or in other words, a breakfast dinner. So scrambled eggs, rye toast and microwavable bacon it was, topped off with a side of orange juice - no pulp. Quick on time, low on complication ... Maybe I'll make the soup tomorrow.

It's Getting Hot in Here

With the weather being as nice as it was all day, I just couldn't say yes to keeping myself inside and quiet. Instead I went over to Bren's and after a bit of chatting went on a shopping expedition to check out a couple of new stores that have recently opened.

Needless to say I'm paying the price now. My skin feels like a five alarm fire and I'm quite sure that had I a thermometer about, it would tell me to slap a cold compress on my head and lay down immediately. Perhaps that's why I'm seeing two of everything ... Kidding, kind of, sort of, although an ice bath sounds like a marvelous proposal.
Inspired by Miss Brown's "Always" ... My first and only piece of body art in her first stages of "life" ... Now ablaze with color (and a few other minor changes I made less than a year later of originally having this done) she's my guardian fairy.
To fully appreciate her artwork you really need to visit her site (listed above) ... She is a truly gifted artist. So much so, that my own little bit of body art was inspired by one of her fairies ...

Saturday Morning Observations

Woke up this morning to the sound of ... nothing. Instead of hearing my voice when I said good morning to the cats, all that came out was a dry croak. This is far more torture than I can take. Take away easy breathing, take away a nose not filled with all sorts of nefarious and offending slimy things, take away my right to swallow without pain, but for the love of monkies, don't take away my right to talk, and talk, and talk some more ... That's just cruel.

I'd also like to point out that had today been any other day save for Saturday, I would still be pleasantly sleeping upstairs in bed. But once again my body clock has let me down. Yesterday I shut the alarm off in my sleep and was five minutes late for work. Today I wake up at five a.m. and can't get back to sleep. I am convinced. There is no justice in this world.

I suppose this is my punishment for putting the small yellow kick me sign on Slug at work yesterday. (When it comes to resisting the temptation to act like a five year old, there are some days when I cave in to the pressure.) But really, who'd have thought he wouldn't have noticed the post it note sitting sticky side up on his chair before sitting down ... Perhaps he should work on his powers of observation.

As for me, I almost laughed so hard when I noticed my clever little plan had worked that I almost fell out of my chair with the force of it all. Which of course made him ask me exactly what it is that I was hooting and hollering about. Have I ever mentioned that I can't lie worth a damn? Seriously ask me anything ... If I smile like a chesire cat and my eyebrows are suddenly higher than my hairline, I'm so not telling anything even remotely close to resembling the truth. While it was a blessing for my Mother as I was growing up to know of this little Achilles Heel of mine, it can really ruin a joke at times.

In other news, I had a horrid close call this morning, I won't tell you the how's and the where's as I've done enough damage to certain people and their afflictions to maleness but I was just standing there - rinsing - when I looked over to my left and "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh" there was this big, round, thick spider with very long spidery legs. Short of not screaming since I can't speak, my muffled cry immediately set me into action and shortened the length of that - ommitted word - faster than running out of hot water or someone flushing the toilet.

However having seen him - all spiders are male you know - his spidey senses should have been telling him to make a run for it. (For those more sensitive readers, you may not want to read further.) So there I was thinking, "There is no way in hell I'm going to share my omitted word with you. Not a chance!" With a soapy washcloth in my hand, and Tavi promising to finish the job should I fail, I scooped him out, hand extended as far away from myself as possible and dumped him uncerimoniously in the toilet. "See what comes from not heeding house rules," I said as I watched him spin faster and faster until he was quite gone. "You stay outside you live, you come inside you die. It's as easy as that."

Fever, Runny Nose and Pounding Head

When I track down the evil person who gave me this cold, I am going to kick them severely hard in the shins. I've just spent the past three hours watching my nephew's school play and I've three things to say ... I can't breathe, my ass hurts and I'm still wondering what I'm doing awake when I am somewhere far beyond the word exhausted now.

And to make things worse, I've got to get up early on a Saturday! That's inhumane for God's sake! KC's Dad is picking up KC for a special outing tomorrow despite the fact that he's invading on my weekend,and I'm trying my best to be the better person and practice putting the I really don't want to smile but I'm smiling face that I'll have to plaster on in the morning. Well, at least until he's out of eyesight and then I swear to God I'm giving him the finger and then I just might walk back in the house and say some really mean things followed by a call to Brenda to have her say a few mean things too. Because solidarity is a wonderful thing and if you cannot say mean things about your ex to your best friend than what's the point of saying it at all?

And I'm feeling like saying mean things. He's stepped on my toes. First with putting me in a position where I had to say yes to letting him borrow her on my weekend and two with taking her to the very place that Bren and I have been planning for the past month to take the kids once the weather broke. And on top of all that, I'm going to worry. What if he's not watching her enough? What if he drives like an idiot? What if Martians come down from another planet and beam him up to do weird science experiments on him? Heh ... Okay so maybe I wouldn't have a problem with that last one. But still it's my job to worry and I'll be doing loads of it until he returns her to me Sunday night.

Perhaps I should tag along? Uhhh ... On second thought, scratch that. I'd like to enjoy my weekend, even if I'm going to be sitting here all by myself feeling sad and lonely while watching depressing movies with a box of Kleenex in my hand. Pathetic.

Oh well. At least I know there's one thing a shot of Nyquil can cure.

Sick and Tired ...

I've been drifting into and out of consciousness for pretty much most of the night and despite my earlier reassurances to myself as I sort of fell asleep on the couch that it was okay to fall asleep on the couch because tomorrow is Saturday, I've spent the past ten minutes working out that oddly enough tomorrow is Friday and yes, I do have to go to work and KC does have to go to school and run on sentences are by far the most wonderful thing.

And so, I'm sucking on a cough drop because the rub of it all is that I have the mother of all sour throats. What started out as a mild tickle of irritation this afternoon has turned itself into a full fledged throat constricting sand paper of doom sort of thing. To make things worse, the lozenge isn't working and I'm typing - quite literally - with one eye open because the screen is too bright. And I'm freezing! And the only reason I'm awake is because Octavia (aka tiny terror kitten from hell) bit my toes and woke me up. Go figure.

However now that I've committed to this lozenge, I have no choice but to stay awake until it's gone, even though it's not helping one iota. Maybe when I go upstairs I will rummage through the medicine cabinet and see if I've anything at all worth taking. Highly doubtful though. I never have anything around when I'm in need of it ... The list here on that is long so prepared to be spared from that tonight.

In other news, KC found a tooth that the tooth fairy conveniently forgot to get rid of and demanded an explanation on how it came to be in my possession. With a little fancy footwork and my expertise on all things fey, I calmly told her that sometimes the fairies leave little keepsakes such as baby teeth under the parent's pillow so that they can have a souvenir. Needless to say, she's less gullible then she was a year ago when I slept through the night and forgot to do the whole money under the pillow thing. That explanation took far more creative license and involved a heavily complicated plot of fairy unions and required days off that made it easy to explain why the fairies had neglected their duties that one time ...

Seriously, I should be ashamed of myself but I rather impressed myself with my own ingenuity of the whole issue of why the tooth fairy does (and sometimes does not) cometh. KC however tried to ransom the found tooth back to me for a tune of five bucks. I asked her if I looked like Ebay ...

Anyhoo, my painful sore throat with lozenge and I are going to shut this down, head upstairs, set the alarm with hopes I might actually get up when it goes off and head to bed. If anyone knows any good remedies I should try they should contact me immediately, though keep it light on the telekinesis as I'm trying to sleep ...

Heh.

You've Got To Save the Music

Oh my goodness, I am far too tired to even think about going to work today and though the temptation is there to make a simple little phone call and fake cough my way into a day of nap and play, no can do ...

Playing hookey on a Thursday is a stupid move and one better planned for a Friday or a Monday when one can enjoy a three day weekend. Which is why I'm building up my strength to get off the couch, out from under the blanket and into the shower. A nice deliciously hot steamy shower. Now if I could only figure out how to make my hot water last longer than seven minutes, that would be the trick.

I have a long list of things to do today, one being running to the bank at lunch, calling my older sister to inquire how my nephews fight against city hall went last night and if necessary, organize a peaceful sit in demonstration.

It seems that there are people in this world who think sitting on the school board makes them God ... And in the case of my nephews school, they are proposing to completely discontinue both the art and the music programs at his school in order to afford a super duper sports complex. Needless to say they've managed to get many parents (and Aunts) up in arms.

Armed with signs my sister made last night, as well as a choral presentation performed in front of the board, my nephew secured over 500 signatures to protest such an action as well as taking it upon himself to call the newspaper and a local television station to report the (proposed) injustice of it all. I couldn't have been prouder ... My nephew (sniffle) has turned into an activist.

And I support him a hundred percent. Music and art are not disposable programs and no less important than English, math and science. As an ex-music major who was once heavily involved in:

Concert Band ... Second Chair Flute (Damn you Sarah D. for making it impossible to steal your chair!)
Marching Band (Drum Major Senior Year)
Chorus
Girls Ensemble
Swing Choir
Drama Club
and the occasional singing in public bathrooms to sample the acoustics ...


I can tell you that my school years would have been very empty without my involvement in the arts. And though I didn't move on into the music field there are plenty of people who did and have realized their artistic goals. And so I say to anyone who doesn't believe that art and music in a schools curriculum is important, "If you take them away, you take away dreams ..."

(Updates to follow. As for now, I'm late for the shower!)

The Blame Game

Just as I was about to post the post of all posts ... Brenda emailed me and forced me to call her and stay on the phone for the past two hours ... And now, it's bedtime and there's no time for me to tell you all about ... Well, everything.

So on behalf on Brenda, I apologize for not posting anything of interest tonight. It's all her fault ... But she doesn't want to talk about it.

In other news, Bren's sister Jen gave birth to a gorgeous, healthy baby girl today ... Congrats to both Mommy and the new Aunty and of course the sweetest new arrival.

Welcome to the Nightly News

It's always a good start to a post when you nearly bash your head in prior to starting it. In this case the details are better left unknown unless one is really interested in queer explanations concerning laptops, folding tables and reclining ... Like I said, don't ask.

It's been an interesting two days. So much so that I'm about to do a highlight list rather than blather on into infinity ... (Since I haven't managed to get to bed at a decent hour since the whole time clock change thing (which I've done remarkably well at not mentioning my angst over up until now) I am determined to get to sleep long before the witching hour tonight.)

Onto the highlights ...

A certain body space invader has put in his two week notice at work ... Surely a good thing until one considers that it could be some time before a replacement is found which could mean (insert groan here) working overtime a little bit earlier in the season than any of us expected ...

Had dinner at Dad's last night as ALL of my sisters were actually around to have a family dinner. But it wasn't like the normal festivities that ensue when we're all together. There was no hysterical laughing, no making Jodi snort milk out of her nose, no outpouring of random silliness ... Even I could only muster a half hearted attempt to liven things up a bit with a everyone share something new game around the table. When it got to be my turn, I decided that life as of late was far too boring to tell the truth, so I lied and said I was planning on moving far away to another country because I had won the lottery. Needless to say, the only one who believed me was KC as she put in her country request for places she'd like to move to. Italy and Japan being her two top picks.

After spending an entire day at work being subsequently bored to pieces and wrongly accused of looking at a certain someone's ass every time he ventured into my office, which I might add is the biggest lie ever told because the only reason I would ever look at his ass would be to better gauge my aim at kicking it as hard as possible out of my room ... Anyhoo, from work I drove (the speed limit) to Dad's, stopping fist to fill the tank ($32.95 to be exact) and waited for him to get home with KC from dance class. When he came at me with the strange glint in his eyes asking me if I had any plans I should have known right then and there to tell KC to get in the car and buckle up so we could speed away ... As it is, I of course said that my only plans had been to go home, followed by the most horrible of horrible questions ... Why?

Five minutes later I found myself "fake towing" my father's convertible down to Mack the Mechanic's house with a rope tying the two cars together as my Dad "pretended" not to really be driving his car which has been off the road for the winter ... Needless to say, I felt the need to roll down my window and occasionally shout out a harassing remark about him following too closely with warnings to watch my paint job. Thank goodness is was a short ride. But still, I wouldn't let Mack near a vehicle of mine if you paid me. I swear, for as many times as he "fixed" my old car, something else always went wrong with it a short few days later. Coincidence? I think not. Sabotage? Highly likely ...

Anyhoo ... Judging from the time, my blog limit has been reached for the night and I must get myself to bed post haste.

April is NSAAP month. Make a difference.

With all these showers, we should have heaps of April flowers ... It's still raining!!! Wish I could just go back to bed and snuggle under the covers.

Something Louder Than Silence

If I were asked to name my fears one by one, I could tell them easily to an empty room with no need for any subterfuge at all. Everything inside my head would come tumbling out in a great big wash of words, like a river flowing from my mouth. And it would go on and on at great lengths until at last there was nothing left to say, no secrets to keep, no hurts too raw to mention, no one thing to put up its hands and stop me on my way.

And yet I have told this empty room more times that I have ever dared to count, adding this baggage to my house, where even the walls have been taught to keep their council ... They know me far better than I would have them know me, having tasted the salt from my tears and listened to them fall much like a lover unable to offer more than its own four walls.

She wraps her arms around herself when supply cannot meet the demand for comfort and holds herself in.
But my needs do not reduce. If anything I find myself needing more. Much like the captain of my own small ship scanning the darkness hoping to find a beacons welcoming light and a safe harbor to sail into. But here I am adrift despite floating on a calm, cold sea and I can see for miles. But the everything of what I see is the everything of what I've already known, and my progress is impeded.

There is a distance behind me which can be measured, a sequence of events that brought me to this moment here. A woman alone save for her sleeping daughter upstairs in bed, the birds chattering away in the corner of the room and two black cats sitting patiently by my side waiting for the lights to die so they can follow me upstairs into the darkness.

My voice grows tired of saying nothing important, allowed only to offer up the small pleasantries of life. Fearful to make a fuss less someone stand as judge and jury on their own and accuse me of being - for lack of a better word - overly dramatic, one who seeks false attention for the purpose of rallying a group of supporters around her. This is not my intent.

I am rallying myself to do what needs to be done. To seek guidance from those much wiser than myself and my years of talking to walls with no hopes of being heard. I must kill this silence in me before this silence can do more to tear me apart. Bravely walking to a new future where ghosts of the past won't be allowed to continue their hauntings. And I must be uncomfortable, far outside my comfort zone to accomplish my task. For if I must trade one mask for another, I choose to put my brave face on.

Stressing About the Time

I've been awake for ten minutes. My eyes still feel like they're half asleep. And on top of all this, I was thoroughly confused when I looked at the clock.

9:42 a.m.

My God, I thought as I clutched the pillow beneath my head while the internal conversation went on. Did the clocks change already? I thought that wasn't happening until Sunday ... Oh my God. What if it is Sunday and I've slept for two days? Just how tired was I anyway? What the heck's going on with the wind? It sounds like a flipping hurricane out there. What if that big tree next to the driveway fell on my car? I think I have collision. Does collision cover trees falling on your car? Maybe I should have read my insurance policy. I suppose I should get out of bed. So much for an early start in KC's room to get it done. I can't believe the cloc ... Wait a minute. The clock couldn't have changed. I'm such an idiot. I would have set the time ahead myself. It's actually 9:42 a.m. I'm a complete moron.

Oh No She Didn't ... Oh Yes, She Did

KC may never know just how lucky she is to not be home tonight. Spending almost three hours in her room before coming up for air, I can honestly say that had she been home she would have known of my displeasure in a big and major way. As it is I'm quite positive that by the time Sunday rolls around, I will be calm enough to approach her, with an "I can't believe you did that! What were you thinking?" conversation.

My daughter is guilty as charged with no trial needed, though I can promise you that my victim impact statement will be somewhat lengthy as I list out my grievances one by one. Like the 10 year old photo album she tore apart, the bubblegum stuck to certain areas of the floor, the good copy paper that I use only for special projects scattered about the room and under the bed and filled with crayon drawn flowers, and to top it all off, the writing on the wall. Literally ...

And I can't believe my daughter, my precious little someone else must have done it cause I can't believe she doesn't know any better child that I gave birth to some 9 years ago have the temerity to write on her wall in NON-WASHABLE PEN!!!

I think I'm hyperventilating!

Her gorgeous, pretty watermelon pink bedroom with white country bed and princess canopy, marred by writing on the wall. Writing she tried to hide with a well placed shelf and her calendar stuck in with a tack as if I wasn't going to catch on ... Eventually.

Three garbage bags in and I had to stop. Had to get out of that room and had to walk away before I completely lost my cool. She wrote on the wall for goodness sake! She disfigured her room! And what's worse is now I'm going to have to break out the paint (smart girls always keep extra for touch up) and attempt to cover it all up with hopes that the ink won't bleed through.

In ten years I'm going to laugh about this. In ten years I'm really going to find this funny. In ten years I may even joke "Hey KC ... Remember when you?" But not now. Right now I'm one irritated Momma ...

Does anyone out there want to fund my get away from it all spa weekend? I could really use a break.

I'm Going In

KC's room can no longer be ignored. The mess behind the door calls my name and says, "Clean me before the kid comes home on Sunday. I won't tell if you throw some things out ..."

So I'm pulling on my gloves, arming myself with trash bags, turning on some music and going in with a brave face.

If you don't hear from me again before this evening is out, all I ask is that you call out the dogs and send a search party.

The Sky Is Falling

For the first time in 25 years, New York State lawmakers have finally passed the state budget on time!

I think I'm in shock. Somebody pinch me!

Oh wait ... It is April Fool's Day. Maybe this is some sort of practical joke?

Must have faith, must have faith, must have a shower and get ready for work.

It's a Wasabi World ... (It's also fun to say)


My sister Jo ... Queen of Wasabi

This guy can't handle his wasabi ...

One cup of Wasabi was all that stood between my sister Jo and two free concert tickets to go see Good Charlotte, Simple Plan and Reliant K ... Needless to say she more than gave the DJ at the radio station a run for his money. In fact, she completely chumped him out. (And I couldn't be prouder, though judging from the look on her face the stuff was pretty nasty.)

Raise Your Voices

Received an email from my Mom this morning informing me that my grandfather is in the hospital having been diagnosed with testicular cancer. As I'm a firm believer in the power of positive thought, I'd be forever indebted to any of you who could find time to cast a wish (or a prayer) up into the night sky for strength to fight this disease.

On another note, my stepmother could also use a few friendly wishes for a speedy recuperation. She had her gall bladder removed today and I'm sure she's not feeling her best at the present time.

More from me later if I can wrap my mind around the art of blogging.

Stupid Moments of Clarity

I hate to admit this, but I'm a little geeked up over the new brand of laundry detergent I picked up earlier tonight on my Wednesday night grocery trip. Two one hundred fluid ounce containers on sale for five bucks was all the try me, buy me propaganda I needed to see to pluck two of them off the shelf and add them to my already half full cart. (Though I did try not to set them on top of the chicken or anything else smushable for that matter.) And as I wheeled about the store, much like a Nascar driver at the Indy 500, it occurred to me that I really ought to shop off a list. Though to be perfectly honest with you, when it comes to lists, I'm great at making them and equally worse about following them. List or no list, I always forget something I need no matter what. Today's I can't believe I forgot that moment was brought to you by the letter "H" as in hairspray. As in reminded myself I had to get some hairspray, made my way down that very aisle and walked out of it with only hair dye in my hand. And yes, you heard me right. I said hair dye.

Whoever said going gray gracefully was the way to go was someone who was well past the age of thirty. At thirty (God, I still can't believe I'm that old) I absolutely refuse to do anything gracefully! (Did I mention I called Brenda on the phone the other day from work to tell her two very stupid things, the first being that I had this uncontrollable urge to crawl under my desk and hide there and the second to whine about being thirty when I swear to God I'm still holding fast to 29.) Anyhoo, I did manage to crawl under my desk and ... Woops. I wasn't supposed to admit to giving into that temptation ... Damn! My cool factor just dropped down faster than a barometer signaling rain. Must remember that this is a bit more readable than my handwritten diary ... And wouldn't you all just like a peek at that. (Not that there's anything overly interesting to be found there as I have written in that one for longer than I care to mention. Why write when one can blog I say.)

Uh oh. I've just realized I've left the hair dye on longer than I was supposed to. Ten extra minutes to be exact. I want my hair to be its original dark color without risking it falling out and looking like Mr. Clean.

I feel the need to lather, rinse, repeat and condition. Wish me luck and oh, leave me some comments. I'm getting lonely. (Don't make me beg. I'm begging here ...)

The Terrible Tooth

When it comes to pain, I'm not exactly a big fan of it. I may not faint at the sight of blood, and I may be used to a phlebotomist tearing up my arm in order to hit a vein, and I may be the proud wearer of a tattoo which took over 2-1/2 hours the first time, and then another hour the second, but when it comes to tooth pain, someone needs to hand me a sledgehammer and clear the room.

I've come to the conclusion that I can understand why people go absolutely crazy from something as simple sounding as a toothache. Because it's not just a toothache. It's a full blown war inside your mouth that throbs and jabs and shoots all sorts of horrible pain to every part of your body, particularly your ears.

I was in such agony last night I ransacked my cupboards looking for any sort of medication I thought might dull the pain, crying like a schoolgirl pushed off the high end of a teeter totter as I did. The worse part however was the lateness of the hour and the complete exhaustion I felt after having tidied up the house all day, refereed countless arguments between KC and her cousin Jay - who take sheer joy in tormenting each other for no other reason than to drive me insane, albeit not slowly - and making a nice riggie dinner to celebrate Easter at my house with only the kids, my Dad and myself in attendance since everyone else was either away or working. All I wanted was to close my eyes and fall asleep, losing myself in that blissful moment of head hitting the pillow, eyes closing slowly and that soft, gentle glide into slumber.

Tooth pain however doesn't take naps and instead of enjoying the relaxation that normally is my love affair with sleep, the pain wrapped its ribbons around me. Climbing from my bed, I tried an excessively hot shower, perhaps thinking that a good scald would take my mind off my teeth, only to exit with bright pink skin, soggy hair, and pretty much the same pain as before. Damn! Didn't work, I thought. Depressing.

Long story short, I eventually managed to medicate to the point where sleep grudgingly decided to grace me with a little peace, though it was half sitting up on my couch with barely a blanket to keep me warm and the promise of a neck crink come morning. (Sigh.)

When The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

My daughter is under the impression that life must be filled with little battles. Battles for control. Battles for the last word. Battles to eat candy at the crack of dawn and battles to prove that her Mother couldn't possibly know what she's talking about. And there are times when I'm quite convinced that my middle name should have been frustration and hers should have been stubborn to the core.

God forbid there should be a holiday that one could actually enjoy without garnering a headache long before noon instead of having to deal with the grumble and groans of a child who sometimes loses focus of the things she should be thankful for as she issues her complaints of "why isn't there more?"

When explanation fails to work, this Mother throws her hands up in the air and sends the child to her room, possibly under the misguided impression that time away from the situation just might bring clarity to light. And she reasons that it is far easier than trying to talk to a child whose hands clamp over her ears and whose chin is raised in oh so stubborn defiance. And yet there are moments when this Mom has to pinch herself to keep from laughing at the stupidity of it all and the daughter who finds herself knee deep in trouble over the silliest little bits of nonsense possible.

Stubbornness can be a good quality in moderation and one my daughter has yet to master in her quest to wield her power with something more than sheer determination, regardless of right and wrong. Lucky for her, her Mom is an old pro ... I only occasionally get in a snit fit over things that aren't worth it.

He seemed like such an ordinary squirrel, and yet ... There was something strangely fascinating about him.

You might as well feed the squirrels ...

In My Room

Since it seems I mention my penchant for the art of sleeping on a somewhat daily basis, what better way to sign off for the night than giving you all a glimpse of the one room in my house that is my absolute favorite ...

I love you double pillow top mattress.

How many girls get to go to sleep and dream with the floating head of Orpheus above their beds? I must be one of the lucky few ...

In Bloom

Flowers From the Garden

Tender Things That Grow

I should still be sleeping. Instead I'm curled up on the couch in a semi-reclined position with pillow at my head and blanket wrapped around me. If I had to go to work and forgot to set my alarm clock, I would still be sound asleep in bed, but because I have today off, I am supplying my own particular brand of irony by being wide awake.

And I think I have my dreams to blame because they are surely what woke me up this morning. Reaching a high level of irritation while in REM will do that to you as I have been known to continually prove. Yay, me!

So here I am, running down the clock and waiting for the time to go upstairs and pull KC from her bed to start the day. Though truth be told, she's very unhappy with going to school today. With Mommy off from work, she had her heart set on a Mommy/Daughter date day. But school is school and she must go, though I've already told her that we will have a special M&D night once she's home with plans to go out to dinner and catch a movie.

Meanwhile I'm planning on visiting my local garden center later on this morning with cash in hand and seed packets on my mind. With the scent of spring lingering closely - despite yesterday's infiltration of yet more snow - it can only be time to start the germinating process indoors.

My mind is filled with visions of California poppies, crisp white daisies, black eyed Susans, morning glories, clemantis, lavender, and all other sorts of blooms that I am giddy with the thought of tiny little shoots reaching for the sun.

And of course, maybe a few more seed packets to broadcast over and around my thinking spot while letting nature handle the rest ... Someday there will be wildflowers everywhere and all who wander by will wonder how they got there, as if it is some mystery, as they stop to appreciate the sea of colors brought forth by tender blooms.

Surely it will be a small slice of heaven on earth.

Soon my garden will be springing back to life ...

Everyone needs a good thinking spot ...

A Rush to Disaster

7:27 a.m.

Five minutes away from work, three minutes to get there on time. I can make it I thought. No problem. Just a little more gas and I'll have this engine purring like a kitten. Burning up, I reached for the controls, adjusting the level of heat from hot to cold, flicking another button to roll my window down a crack. I turned the music up a little louder, singing along as the scenery blurred before me.

7:28 a.m.

Dust clouds spitting up behind me, I let my foot off the gas and began to brake for the stop sign in front of me, noting as I did another truck quickly approaching from the left of the intersection. I was prepared to stop. And yet all of a sudden I wasn't, pulling hard to the right instead as my wheels spun out of control. Instinct guided my hands to turn the steering wheels away from the direction of the slide and the immediate response of the antilock brakes jerked me in my seat as my belt tightened around me.

All in the space of a few seconds, I could see how dangerously close I was to the intersection and the other driver who was probably praying I would stop in time as well.

7:29 a.m.

Rolling to a stop on the other side of the road, twisted at an odd angle to the direction I had been going in, I sat there quiet, hands gone white on the steering wheel, my face drained of color, simply glad to be in one piece. Black ice, I thought to myself. Fourteen years worth of driving experience, and I'd never come across such a patch before. This one had my name on it.

And though I could have sat there all day, trying to pull myself together from way too close a call, the car approaching from behind me was all the incentive I needed to right myself and continue on down the road, albeit at a much slower pace than before.

Oh Headache ...

I think a bit of last nights absolutions have finally caught up with me. Out of the blue my head is pounding, my eyes feel like they're on fire and all I want to do is find my bed and climb in. And this is really starting to sound like a good idea. And not just because I'm starting to recall bits and pieces of yesterdays conversations that bordered on the bright side of brilliant and the dark side of stupid, amazing really when you consider they all were pretty much said in the same breath ...

And I think Bren and I covered every subject known to mankind last night, and doing our fair share of laughing while we were at it. Now if I could just figure out how she managed to talk me out of something without saying a word, I swear I'll be just fine.

No. I'm quite sure nothing makes any sense.

Slow Sunday

I suppose I should do what I'm supposed to be doing today and finish spring cleaning the downstairs despite my lack of interest in doing so.  And yet, there's not that much more to do other than clean up a bit of the clutter that hides the top of my computer desk and the entertainment center alike.
 
I was thinking however of running down to my Dad's and picking up my niece for a little while.  She called me last night on the phone, right after Brenda got here and asked me if she could come over and spend the night.  I on the other hand did something unusual and said no.  Aunt Stacey who normally comes through in a pinch opted to enforce the no kids weekend.  At least for last night that is.
 
So I think I will sign off - over and out - and give a call to my sister and then a call down to Dad's and retrieve the little monster before KC comes home tonight.  Maybe I'll even open the pack rat chest and find something crafty we can do since baking cookies is out ...

Sha Sha Shopping Trip

"KC, what do girls like to do?"

"Goooooo SHOPPING!"



I went to Target and I said to Brenda - prior to entering the store, that is - "Please by all that is good and holy, do not let me buy anything other than towels and an Easter present for KC." One hundred nine dollars and eighteen cents later, I not only had my new towels (the color of musk melon) but I also had - and this is in no particular order - 4 pairs of summer shorts, one pair of clamdiggers, one matching top to go with the clamdiggers (all for KC's Easter basket, of course) along with Easter candy, one Easter egg dye kit, a set of 4 glass tumblers to replace all of mine that have never matched since I've lived here, 2 bottles of hamster food, one bottle of parakeet food, hamster litter stuff, one Rubbermaid tote to keep the hamster litter stuff in and last but not least, and the last item for the Easter basket, the newly released movie "The Incredibles" ...

And as if I didn't spend enough money there, I then drove back towards home leaving Brenda to go her own way - well at least for a few hours until she comes here tonight, and she better not even think about canceling out on me, less she want to suffer my wrath - and decided I better get my grocery shopping done while the weather was nice.

I might add that it was a little over forty degrees here and absolutely beautiful. I had the sunroof open, the driver side window down, my tunes cranked to the max (Tori Amos, Mary J Blige, Jason Mraz, and a little 50 Cent ... Eclectic mix, I know.) and my shades on. I was the girl.

Anyhoo, back to the grocery shopping story ... I spent money there too. The end. Not really the end, but there's not a lot of details I can give you about picking out which new mud mask I want to give a try to tonight. (God! I really need to get a (night) life!)

Meanwhile back at the ranch, aka home, I've a slew of things to put away and hide and clean, or stuff in some closet somewhere ... Heh, heh, heh ... Maybe I can persuade Brenda to help me with a little spring cleaning. Or course, it would help if she brings along the proper motivation with her. (And she damn well better.)

So I'm out until later. Peace out yo ...

Yawning is Contagious

And a Happy Saint Patty's day to all the lads and lassies out there.  I raise you a pint and see you double ...
 
All right ... So it's obvious I'm not Irish and after having a taste of soda bread, I can't say I'm too disappointed about that much at all.  I am a wee bit irritated however that I missed out on getting a shamrock shake this year.  There's something about that odd tasting concoction that I actually like.  Can't really figure it out but there it is.
 
KC was feeling much better this morning and didn't even ask to stay home from school.  It seems what she needed most was just a little more sleep.  I wish I could say the same for myself.  I spent most of the night tossing and turning, unable to get more than a few winks in. Which meant that I spent most of today walking around like a zombie with puffy eyes and a bad case of don't bother me growls proclaiming to one and all - or anyone who would listen for that matter - that I didn't get enough sleep.
 
Sigh.
 
Much to do.  No energy to get it done.  But tomorrow is Friday!

Tired Sprite

My poor babe is unwell tonight, curled up beside me on the couch sleeping off whatever is making her feel unwell. She didn't even get around to having dinner, falling asleep while I was in the kitchen making her soup. One moment she was yelling at Octavia for stepping on her head and the next she was out like a little light, the kitten curled up on her pillow.

And this is one of those moments when I wish I had a magic wand I could wave over her and make her feel better. But for now, I'm just content to let her sleep. Though I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to manage getting her up the stairs in a little bit. It's been a while since I've had to pick her up and carry her, but I can't think of any other way ...

There's no time like the present I suppose. I just hope that I don't go tumbling down the stairs in the attempt.

For Tonight, The Words of Someone Else

Coming Home


You are coming home at night:
you pass from light to light,
walking around the block,
and your shadow swings to the right
the way a second hand
goes round a modern clock,
and other shadows, bound
to your footsteps, climb the walls,
or jerk along the pavement,
and some contrast and darken,
others lengthen and fade.

The lights are various loves
by whom you find your way,
by whom you see and move:
they lend you guidance, they
enable you to find
not only house and door,
and wall and window-blind,
but something less and more,
your image, multiplied,
cast for your gaze, and thrown
distorted, but your own.

And what you need the most,
O walker in the night,
is to continue, sure
the self is always right,
and neither caricature,
nor unavailing ghost.

And if a light is broken,
if one of them goes out,
as well they may, of course,
and substance takes from shadow
its absolute divorce,
be reassured, in darkness,
the self is never lost.


Rolfe Humphries

So often, we believe that we have come to a place that is void of hope and void of possibilities, only to find that it is the very hopelessness that allows us to hit bottom, give up our illusion of control, turn it over, and ask for help. Out of the ashes of our hopelessness comes the fire of our hope. - Anne Wilson Schaef

Resurrection of the Phoenix

Already this morning I have done two loads on laundry, made breakfast and loaded the dishwasher. This might feel like an accomplishment if the rest of my house didn't look like a bonafide disaster. Or worse yet, if I didn't look and feel like a bonafide disaster. Sad, but oh so true.

I wish I could throw everything away and start all over again. Every room a blank slate, a pristine canvas to carefully accessorize with the thought process of less is more. But I'm a holder-on-er. One of those people who can find an emotional attachment to a dishcloth. "Oh dishcloth ..."

This could possibly be why I spend so much time looking at the ceiling. Looking anywhere else usually makes me drop my jaw and pound my head against a wooden table wondering where and how I should start. I remember reading somewhere once that the state of a persons house was usually a good indicator on the state of their life. It wouldn't take a trained eye to see my house - and perhaps myself as well - are desperately crying out for help.

What would a stranger think if they were allowed access to my home? Would they wonder about the woman who allows the dust to pile up on a bookshelf overflowing with books? Would they notice the pictures hanging on the wall or the way the curtains just seem to hang from the windows limp and lifeless? Would they see the half finished painting peeking out from beneath the entertainment center or the collections of faceless angels that seem to be overlook the room with a sense of detachment? Would they notice the warmth is really a cold, deep freeze pretending to be something other than what it was? A room stuck in eternal winter, emptier for being full.

So many things here are here because I simply didn't choose. I didn't choose to say, "No. This really isn't my style." I didn't say, "I'm sorry. I really don't have the room." Instead I spoke with my heart in my mouth and said, "Let me make your personal attachment mine. I promise to keep it forever."

As silly as it sounds, this is sort of the downfall of my personality. My hang up for hanging on. There's no running away from it. And God knows, I've tried, failed, tried again, failed again and tried some more all to no avail. And really, it's too bad that this tenacity of mine picks and chooses what it will fight for and what it won't.

And that my friends is the crux of the problem. My warriors heart that refuses to pick up the sword and battle for my truths, finding it easier to say, "Not now. Not tonight. Let things be the way they are. This is good enough. This is as good as its going to get. You want too much. You can't have the world."

But I do. I want the world. I want everything. I want open doors, open minds, the power to take a chance and not be afraid of failing. The power to risk it all and come out on top in the end. The power to get in my car, to board a plane, to see the world without fearing the journey itself. To forget the dangers, the darkness, the wolves that lurk just beyond the path and to see only the sun, the moon and those brilliant blazing stars above me. This is what I want. Not to be held down by convention, invention, or intentions that always seem to be saying "No. You can't."

My wants are needs. I need more than I want. I need to do this to know I'm living and not just watching from the sidelines wishing I could be out there doing something more. I need me not to give up on myself. Not to give in to the pain of holding on to the too muchness of the things I remember. To fight for the woman who is today, the girl who still has dreams in her eyes, the woman who isn't afraid to wield the power of herself.

All Out of Blog

Chalk up the recent silence to me having absolutely nothing to talk about. I fear I may be blogged out ... Or self censoring to the point of no return. Either way I've been staring at the screen for over twenty minutes now wondering what to write. Should I write about doing absolutely nothing constructive today, or do I write about finally having that we're both sorry moment with my older sister last night? Do I talk about ignoring the fact that today was my stepfather's birthday and that I meant to call, told myself I was going to call and ended up not calling? Or do I just tell you the mundane stuff like how I cleaned the bird cage, and how the hamster almost took a turn for the worse when Octavia knocked her cage off the dresser?

This reminds me of a time back in high school when Brenda and I would get frustrated to the point of no return and just scream ourselves silly with the excuse, "Tension breaker. Had to be done."

Perhaps I should take myself outside and scream at the top of my lungs. Then again, my neighbors might come out and look at me funny.

***** Addendum *****

I did one better than simply picking up a phone. Instead I opted to deliver the birthday greeting in person while KC was at a birthday party. Belated is far better than never.

La La Looney

I've spent the better part of the last 12 hours working on a special top secret project ... To say that I am thoroughly exhausted would be an understatement of actual fact. And yet, I've got a corny ass grin on my face just from the thrill of accomplishment. Sort of like the cat who swallowed the canary or in this case, the hamster. Not that the hamster is in any danger yet ... Though I did have to shoo Octavia off the cage more times than I can count already. So much for thinking I had another week before my newest arrival would get here. Oy.

But for now kiddies, I'm off to la la land for some la la sleep.

Until we meet again ...

Recycled News

Subject: hey...Question
Date: 3/9/2005 12:21:44 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Jo
To: Stacey

Hey ...

how are things going for you?? Question: my RA found out about MIA HAMM STER, and basically he didn't yell at me, but told me I could no longer have her, and that after break, he would be checking to make sure that she was actually gone. With that said, I was wondering if you would legally adopt her? If you would, that would be great, if not, I'll ask the other sister ... But let me know, also, I doubt dad will allow me to keep her at our house over break, so if you would adopt her, could you also house her earlier over later? I can still come and do the cage and what not. Just let me know, please, and lo siento. Why did the word have to get out?? Thanks

Jo


Shit ... I think I'm the proud NEW owner of a hamster!!! Damn, damn, and double damn.

To Bed Without Dinner

In bed without dinner. Without distraction. With plenty of time to think about her choices, the way she handles a situation, her reactions to simple requests.

I can't see my living room floor and yet I know it's there. I saw it yesterday, right before KC came home from her Dad's. It was definitely there. But now it's gone, lost beneath a pile of papers and a pile of laundry that just suddenly appeared as if it were conjured from thin air. I raise my eyes to the ceiling to get my bearings. It would be nice to have a floor as clean as the ceiling, a large expanse of white, wonderful white, clean white.

Could you just pick up your papers please? A simple request. Could you please lend a hand, help out a bit, tidy up after yourself, realize that the floor is not a giant garbage can? Anything really. Can you do anything to clear the clutter?

I get a cross look and a heavy sigh, an I can't believe she's bugging me now when my favorite cartoon is on sort of look. You've had a long day at school. I should realize you're tired. And where is dinner? Why isn't it ready yet?

My reverie is interrupted. A note down the stairs. The patter of little feet, a noisy give away that someone is out of her room. I should be angry you've broken the rules, I should go upstairs an explain that time out means time out and not time to sneak down the stairs and flutter down a note. And yet I smile. My daughter is sending me a love letter.

Are you seriously going to starve your child? That's the worst thing a Mom could do. I'm sorry for my attitude. Please change your mind.
KC


It's my turn to roll my eyes. Starving is not a granola bar which you ate in the car on the way home from Grandpa's; the glass of milk you had after school.

Baked chicken, sweet peas, shoe string fries and applesauce - far from a four star meal but edible on a Monday night.

In a moment I will call you down from exile and invite you to the table. Already I am picturing the generous amount of peas on your plate. A mother's revenge. Albeit a small one since you happen to like the little green dots. Still it makes me feel as if I'm getting even. I'm not supposed to feel that way, but I do. Sometimes you drive me crazy.

Sleep-Over

Thank goodness for coffee. A beverage I don't usually drink but one I am finding to be extremely useful at the moment considering that I fell asleep on Brenda's couch in what could be best described as a little cat nap. That in itself amazing since her three tater tots have been blowing on toy whistles and playing all sorts of games requring loud vocaL skills.

Talk about being a downer at a slumber party ... One is not actually supposed to sleep.

Hmmm ... Dinner is ready, movies are waiting. More to come sometime soon.

Woes of Motherhood

"When I'm sixteen, I'm moving out!"

"I hope you find a really nice place then," I said, throwing my jacket over my arm as I scanned the stairs for my car keys. Bundled in her jacket, my daughter stood by the door, her face set in an angry pout while her boot clad feet scuffed back and forth on the carpet.

"I want to go now," she huffed.

"We'll leave when you apologize."

"Sorry," she snapped. "Now can we go?"

I held my breath and counted to ten. A slow count even though I was already running late for work.

"When you say sorry like that, it doesn't count. You have to mean it."

"Well I don't know why you have to ask me all those stupid questions anyway. I'm not a baby you know!"

"As shown by your current behavior?" I asked blandly, watching her hands reaching for the door. I leaned against it.

"Mom! I'm going to be late for school!"

"And I'm going to be late for work. But it seems we need to have a conversation." She attempted to speak. "Let me rephrase that. I'm going to talk, you're going to listen."

She clapped her hands over her ears.

"Well, that's going to make it difficult but not impossible," I said, "I've got all day you know. I don't have to go to work. I could call in and we could stand here all day until you decide you'd like to listen."

I could see the look of horror flash across her face. Stubborness recognizing stubborness. Two mules ramming their heads together could not have been a clearer picture of her and I.

"The reason Mommy asks you all those questions in the morning is because I want to make sure you have everything you need and you haven't forgotten anything. It's what Mom's do. Mom's ask questions to get answers. To make sure you've packed your sneakers in your bag, to make sure you've remembered to put your homework in the folder, to remind you to pack your lunch money. It's my job. It's what I live to do. It's my lifelong mission. It's my reason for breathing. It's ..."

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"How long are you going to be asking me this stuff?"

"As long as I'm your Mother ..."

Temper, Temper

I am an evil neighbor magnet. Evil neighbors flock to me. And it's grossly unfair dammit!

Evilness is apartment four and her penchant for visitors each and every single day of the week. Now I'm not against having company over - as long as they call ahead and give me time to throw shit in the closet - but I'm considerate enough to ask my company to do one major thing when visiting. I ask them to park in the outer spaces of the driveway so that they don't take a spot of someone who lives here.

I like to think of it as a common courtesy. The nice neighbor thing you do when you're sharing space with other people. I don't need a memo from the landlord to remind me to be respectful and considerate, I simply am.

And yet, the mad hatter in number four is completely clueless. Tonight I came home with a car load full of groceries, an exhausted danced out daughter and feet as cold and as wet as an iceberg in the Artic, only to find that not one but two cars of non-townhouse dwelling people were parked in my spot and Bob's spot, the two closets spots to the house and our doors.

To say I was mad would be downplaying things. I was pissed like you wouldn't believe. And mostly because we have repeatedly asked and spoken with Cruella to inform her guests about not parking in our spots. Now it may seem a bit trivial, but trust me, when the snow is knee deep and you've got over twenty bags of groceries, only two arms to carry them with and two inch heels on, you get a wee bit upset when some idiot is parked in your space.

Therefore my driveway rage could not be helped.

And so I did the only thing I could think of to do. (Keeping in mind that my daughter is impressionable didn't help much with holding back the tantrum.) Coming into the driveway at a slow crawl, I aimed my vehicle and my bright lights directly at the offending woman's front window, followed by a held down honk of the horn meant as a get off your ass and move your car hint. (A hint she didn't take.) Realizing she wasn't going to correct things, I pulled into Sheila's designated space, unloaded KC and the first set of groceries from the car and struggled my way inside.

"Kace," I said to my daughter as I set the bags inside the front door, "I want you to take these bags to the kitchen while I go back out to get the rest."

"Are you going to go knock on her door, Mom?" she asked.

"Not tonight. I don't think that would be a very good idea right now. Now stand back from the door, Mommy has a point to make and it's going to be loud." And with that, I slammed my door shut hard enough to make the house shake.

Yet even that didn't draw the evil woman out of her hole. And so I stomped back and forth through the snow, one bag after another schelpping my way as quickly as possible before going back out one final time to move my car. I couldn't after all steal Sheila's space just because someone had stolen mine.

But I couldn't quite shake the feeling that a lesson needed to be learned somehow. For a moment, I considered parking my vehicle in front of the offending cars, thereby making their leaving impossible without knocking on my door and asking me to move. And though this was the option I really wanted to choose, I decided against it, more worried that someone would back up into my car to make their own point. I wasn't going to risk it.

So I did the next best thing ...

This is the part where I should probably explain that I do have a penchant to be a major bitch when I feel like I'm in the right on something. In fact, speaking astrologically as we have been, it's exactly what any Scorpio would do. Revenge first, questions later.

In my case, possessed with the power of 4 wheel drive and the balls to back it up - figuratively and not literally - I backed my vehicle up over the unplowed area of snow and squeezed myself beside one of the cars, leaving no room for the driver of the other car to be able to shimmy inside without entering from the passenger side.

How many of you out there are completely shocked?

I was completely immature and I loved it. Loved it to the point that when I heard her company leave, I opened up my front door and took in the fiasco without any shame.

(Sorry this isn't fine tuned for corrections tonight, I'm a bit done it from the day.)

Dumb Questions, Easy Answers

I'm taking an insane informal poll on bloggers and astrological signs ... So if you happen to be reading this short little excuse for a blog entry because I don't feel the least big bloggy tonight, feel free to drop by in comments and share your sign with me.

Until then peeps, I am over and out of my mind.
 
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